The Break-Up Diet

The Pain of Losing a Best Friend

• Yasmin Misner and Ilma Shahrene • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Can losing a best friend be more painful than a romantic breakup? We explore this heart-wrenching topic through personal stories and emotional insights. From the end of a best friendship during a divorce to betrayals in teenage years, the aftermath of friendship breakups can leave a lasting void. We also address the difficulty of seeing mutual friends continue to associate with former friends and the challenging path to recovery and self-reflection.

Ever lost a best friend over a romantic interest? The pain of betrayal is real, and it's something many of us have faced. We discuss the red flags of toxic friendships, such as friends who disappear when life gets tough or those who blackmail you. One-sided friendships can be exhausting, and losing a best friend can cut deeper than losing a boyfriend. Through personal experiences, we share why the bonds of friendship feel so unconditional and why their loss hits so hard.

Starting new friendships can be an emotional rollercoaster. We talk about trust, the phenomenon of being "love bombed" by new friends, and the delicate dynamics of integrating new friends into existing circles. Whether you've handled friendship breakups with direct conversations or ghosting, it's crucial to approach these situations with dignity and respect. Leaning on family, especially mothers, for support can provide much-needed comfort. We remind you that growing apart from friends is natural, and new connections are always around the corner.

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Ilma:

I know you've always been saying that situation breakups are hard, friendship breakups.

Yas:

Yeah, they're harder, for sure, so much harder. You lose the person you tell everything to, whereas, like with a breakup, you probably don't tell them everything. No, exactly.

Ilma:

Exactly, and I think with friends it seems more unconditional. Like you think friends are genuinely forever Relationships. We know in the back of our head, okay, this not sure. But with friends, especially when you like, connect with them so well, you think, okay, yeah, this is my girl, my ride, or die for the rest of my life, and then for it to go away where you don't have your partner in crime anymore, where you don't have that person to share all your exciting news and to just have a gossip like yeah, also, you probably bitch about your boyfriend or your girlfriend as much to your best friend.

Yas:

So they know all the details of, like the inner workings of that. Buckle up, bitches, it's gonna get bumpy.

Ilma:

This is the breakup yeah, oh my gosh, yes. So in winter I had a situation breakup and a best friend breakup within months apart. I would be so upset. I wasn't normally functioning in the winter. I generally thought, okay, everyone hates me, I'm the problem, because when you lose the two core people in your life.

Yas:

Were they best best friends as in? Was it your best friend that you lost? Yes, not just a close friend like a best friend.

Ilma:

No, like a legit best friend. We used to do everything together. We used to even coordinate our outfits. We were like 20s.

Yas:

Oh God.

Ilma:

That's so icky.

Yas:

God, did you look better in the outfits?

Ilma:

is this why? Actually, no, impossible. She was like she is a 10 out of 10 model, like fair.

Yas:

Yeah, we still hate her, but fair what's wrong with me?

Ilma:

why did that happen to me?

Yas:

back to back maybe it's good because you're going through a cleanse, like the new year, the new you, that kind of vibe it was like out with the old and in with the new.

Ilma:

Started the year wrong, not strong am I right?

Yas:

was it like an instant thing that you guys stopped being friends, or was it like a long time coming?

Ilma:

I think it was a long time coming. We were kind of drifting apart as my divorce was finally like finalized and I was coming out of my shell.

Yas:

Wait, this is kind of interesting, was it? Was she the person you leaned on most while you're going through the year? Yes, oh, so she was like you're fine now, see you later. Oh, maybe it's a good thing because she's like you're fine now, see you later. It shows that you're like you don't need her anymore, but I still, no, no, no, we're looking at it as a good way a good thing at least she was there for you in the tough time.

Ilma:

Now that you're better yeah, yeah, no, I'm obviously grateful for the fact that, okay, at the time when I needed a friend like her the most, I got to have that friend.

Yas:

But I just I don't get why you can't be best friends forever I definitely think that a breakup with a best best friend is way worse than a situation.

Ilma:

It made me forget about my situation. Ship like, fuck, screw, the guy, who is he?

Yas:

yeah, it hurts so much more, so much more, but there's also like a difference between having a breakup with a close friend and a best friend, because although you might have a close friend, then you have a breakup with them as such. That's so upsetting. It's still not quite the same if it's like the best friend that's rough yeah have you had any recently? I haven't had any recently, but I have had a few close friend or best friend two close friend and one best friend. How, how were they?

Ilma:

both the experience of it, the breakup experience.

Yas:

Well, backstabbing bitch is all I'm going to say. I'm still salty. I'm still salty. It was a long time ago though, but I'm still a little salty. Can I ask what happened?

Yas:

Well, she basically lied Okay, bearing in mind we're like 14 or 15 at this time. Okay, okay, basically lied. Okay, bearing in mind we're like 14 or 15 at this time. Okay, okay, okay, nothing in the coming of age activities was going on for me, okay, okay, okay, get what I'm saying.

Yas:

Anyway, she basically spread around the whole school that I had a threesome in the back of a car with a boy and I hadn't even had sex before. That's disgusting. And then got boys to lie about it because she was jealous. That's disgusting, come on, I'm not even kidding. And I was so upset because she had, like this one boy that obviously fancied her right, who obviously fancied her, was then like, oh, yeah, I'll, I'll say it as well. So then she obviously had boys and girls saying it, and I hadn't even had sex, I hadn't even kissed a boy. I think I was scared to talk to boys, so I was so embarrassed. Virgins get slut shamed the most, yeah, but also, thank God, there was like another boy in the year that was like friendly with me, that was actually my friend and knew me, so like he kind of was like what?

Yas:

That's not true Really.

Ilma:

But thank.

Yas:

God and she was my best friend for like a year Okay, not a long time, but like a year. But we did everything, especially at that age group. That best friend means forever, that kind of thing. So if you haven't guessed, today we're going to be talking about Friendship breakup.

Ilma:

They suck, oh my gosh. Yeah, I'm still kind of slowly recovering from it. I'm seeing like my mutual friends still hang out with her and I'm like, oh, I don't want them to hang out with them.

Yas:

You want to be like, don't hang out with them but you can't do that either.

Ilma:

Well, it's hard because I'm the one that put that group together oh, that's rough.

Yas:

That's really rough. You're like I made you friends. Now that I'm not friends with you, you can't be sorry. I know that that people like you're not allowed to do that, but you should be allowed to do that I think you know there's.

Ilma:

There was no integrity. No, yeah, no one had my back.

Yas:

To be honest, I think that should be a thing if you made them friends. If you back away from the friendship, yeah yeah, um, that is wrong, but yeah, it's so confusing I stand by it honestly, the way I had to.

Ilma:

I basically had to have a mini breakup diet because of the friendship breakup, where I'm like, okay, who am I without xyz, who am I on my own, um, what are my interests on my own? Literally just trying to pick up the pieces.

Yas:

I have a question for you. What, for you, makes a good friend?

Ilma:

Well, everything. My best friend was. So why did you have a breakup? She said that we don't have stuff in common anymore.

Yas:

That's rough. Yeah, and you were blindsided by this. Oh, I'm sorry.

Ilma:

And you were just like, okay, I'm just like, oh, but like we can still like hang out, and she's like what like for a catch-up? You don't even drink anymore and I'm like no one drinks to get drunk, so it shouldn't bother you that I don't drink. Oh no, I feel like, yes, I got given my reason, but I don't have that closure and I'm seeking that closure like you would be seeking from like a situationship breakup. Have you? Have you?

Yas:

seen her since? No, not even bumped into.

Ilma:

No, that's weird, no I've seen like all my friends hang out with her.

Yas:

So are you sure there's not another reason there?

Ilma:

could be, and maybe I'm just not self-aware about something. Maybe I'm just dumb, maybe I did do something and I don't know. Maybe my self-awareness hasn't developed properly.

Yas:

I feel like there would be something more. Surely you can't just be really good friends with somebody and then just do that yeah, how long were you like best friends for three years that's a long time.

Ilma:

Yeah, it's not like a short time. So three years and one of the the years was when we were like drifting apart over like a whole year.

Yas:

Yeah, so when you say drifting apart, is there anything you notice in particular or what well she moved?

Ilma:

out of London. So, oh yeah, but that's not your fault. Yeah, so it was just drifting apart because of, like, geographic, geographical reasoning. Okay, so I'd never took it personally. And then we went on the girls holiday. That's where it all kind of comes out, doesn't it? Girls holidays yeah, why?

Yas:

what happened?

Ilma:

nothing came out then, but there was just awkward tension. All those girls met up in London again without me. I messaged my main girl being like hey, what's going?

Yas:

on. Yeah like why aren't I invited?

Ilma:

Yeah, basically, and then she's just like we just don't have stuff in common with you.

Yas:

Oh, so she didn't just kick you out, she exiled you from the group. That's so rough. Sorry, I shouldn't have been laughing, but that's giving Regina George off Mean Girls.

Ilma:

Basically, at this big age, we're going to be playing Mean Girls.

Yas:

Oh, I feel so bad. That is really rough. Yeah, and this was this year. Yeah, god, you had a bit of a year, right? That's not nice so you haven't answered my question, though, about what are the good what makes a good friend.

Ilma:

I need like four or five, I'm okay what makes a good friend to me is support, trust yeah trust loyalty fun loyalty fun, you know the I don't know why I'm blanking. I just keep thinking about my ex-best friend, wait. Trust, loyalty, fun, loyalty fun. You know the answer. I don't know why I'm blanking. I just keep thinking about my ex-best friend, wait trust, loyalty, fun, support, encouraging yeah positive.

Ilma:

The ideal close friend is someone that you can celebrate everything with, not just your downs, because, have you noticed, there are a lot of friends that will be around you when you're feeling down, because they kind of thrive off your negativity. But you, when you're feeling down, because they kind of thrive off your negativity, but then when you're doing well, these friends are suddenly nowhere to be found but I get also people being jealous, because it's hard not to be jealous.

Yas:

I'm gonna put it straight so I don't get jealous of them, but I would get jealous if I don't feel like I'm doing enough yes, that's the kind of jealousy I get too, yeah I don't know where I'm going in my life and I'm like why am I like this?

Ilma:

I'm jealous of how they figured it out yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's more like kind of kick up the ass motivationally yeah, still there's like a ugly underlying feeling of jealousy which I beat myself up about because it's like but I think I'm happy, but then why am I not like that?

Yas:

yeah, yeah, yeah. What are some bad traits of a best friend? Or like a friend that you would be like no jealousy.

Ilma:

The ones that kind of make weird digs at you, yeah. So they'll be like, oh, you're wearing too much makeup right now, your lashes oh, are you really gonna wear a skirt out?

Yas:

or yeah, oh isn't that just a bit attention, oh wasn't that thingy's boyfriend you were talking to for so long as in like trying to make a claim, even if you were just being friendly, or you know what I mean? Yeah, they're just like little shit-stirrers. They're not mean, but the way that they're said. It's just so passive and you overthink it and also you know what you're doing. Yeah overthink it and also, you know what you're doing.

Ilma:

Yeah, they know what they're doing and say they don't like they, do they a hundred percent do.

Yas:

That's probably the worst kind of friends is insidious, passive jealousy oh, I think a bad friend or a toxic friend would be somebody that only wants to hang out with you when it's like a friday night or something like this. I don't want to hang out with you or just see you normally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they just want to have a night out. Yeah, because they know that maybe you'll be going to somewhere fun or whatever.

Ilma:

Sorry, back to the digs thing, I've thought of something really funny. So basically, on my wedding day my childhood friend we grew up together she talked about my makeup and was like do you not feel you look like a corpse? On my wedding day, she said that I look like a corpse. What did you?

Yas:

do. Obviously, I was nervous as it is. You're like no bitch, but you're about to be dead.

Ilma:

Yeah, exactly, you're about to be the corpse. Could you imagine? You've got the wedding day, nerves as it is, and you've got this like childhood hometown bully that's like, oh, you look like a dead person, just about to go out.

Yas:

Yeah, did you cry? I would have cried, I was just paralyzed in shock.

Ilma:

You know, when you're like, okay, I'm meant to feel the most beautiful, it's my wedding day, yeah, and you're here to support me, yeah, and like big yeah, and you're here to support me, yeah, and like big me up even if I look bad. Okay, maybe help me fix it, yeah, and then don't tell me with it. Yeah, yeah, not. Oh, you look like you're dying. You're about to die. Honestly, my wedding as well. Yeah, I hope you're not friends with her?

Ilma:

not really no forced to be friends with her because of our families, but that's it Okay.

Yas:

okay, then I'll let it off. Otherwise, Ilma, you've got to be less simpy. I know you're simpy with men, but not with your friends.

Ilma:

Yeah, or I can be simpy with my friends too, oh no.

Yas:

It's hard to let go, though, when you have some people, for example, that are good friends, you think, and that you put a lot of time into, you have so much fun with, but in return they don't show you as much support or anything like that that I find that dynamic really hard.

Ilma:

I'm trying to cling on to the friendship and I'm like, oh, we just have all these amazing shared experiences. I can't let go of this friendship, even though it's obvious we're both growing apart.

Yas:

But then also, if they're not the same anymore, it is time to move on.

Ilma:

sometimes, yeah, I think it's just hard to know when to leave that friendship.

Yas:

Have you ever found out something that one of your friends said about you behind your back? That was like really bad and shocking.

Ilma:

Not really, but I did have a best friend at a time at the time where she was going to set me up with this guy that I really liked and she was like by the end of winter holidays, you guys are gonna be an it couple.

Yas:

She started sleeping with him, yeah, and that was also a best friend as well so wait, had you met this guy before, or anything?

Ilma:

Yeah, we had like accounting class together.

Yas:

Oh, and she like and she like was like trying to get you in there but secretly get herself in there.

Ilma:

Yeah, and she had a boyfriend. It's like girl you're-.

Yas:

Don't be greedy.

Ilma:

Yeah, yeah. I was 19 at the time. I really wanted a boyfriend.

Yas:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she took that away from me.

Ilma:

Yeah, she took that away from me because he liked me as well.

Yas:

But then he got men. He just got led the wrong way.

Ilma:

Yup, yup, yup.

Yas:

The friendship breakup.

Ilma:

Have you had another one? Not in recent times, no, apart from just that one at the start of the year.

Yas:

Do they get any easier when they keep going or not really?

Ilma:

No, because, like I said before, the friendships that you have, you think they're forever, you think they're unconditional, and then for it to go, you're like what You're meant to be by my side forever.

Yas:

Have you ever had something when your best friend has, like you've, confided in them?

Ilma:

and then that's the right word, isn't it? Yeah?

Yas:

You've confided in them about your relationship and then they've told your boyfriend or they've told like that kind of situation, god forbid. That's not happened to me I feel like that would be oh yeah, imagine you tell them like a secret, like, oh my god, I hate the way, I don't know, my man does this yeah and then he, she goes and says it to like his friend, that is some pick me ass behavior yeah genuinely like why are you trying to ruin my relationship?

Yas:

my man doesn't want you, yeah or just like why are you trying to ruin it full stop? Yeah what's another like toxic trait that a friend could have?

Ilma:

they have to watch out for the ones that are there for you when you're really down and are thriving from how down you are, but then, when you do well, they're just nowhere to be found, or they're not as happy for you.

Yas:

As you know, you would think, because they were there for you when you were really low yeah, so I have another thing of a bad friend like that would be like a red flag. They do you a favor, for example, they cover for you, and then they like remind you of that, so they're like keeping score on like blackmail oh, that's bad, isn't it?

Ilma:

that would be terrifying.

Yas:

But some people are like that.

Ilma:

They're like oh, just remember, like I know threat alone is like why are you doing that to me?

Yas:

yeah. And also like why are we friends? Like why, why would you want to blackmail me? Yeah, why are?

Ilma:

you getting a weird kick out of this yeah explore therapy.

Yas:

I was gonna say like explore smm or something same same, yeah, yeah, or another bad thing about like a friend would be always one-sided, so you're the one who always has to.

Ilma:

You're the one organizing everything and then they flake and they don't like reschedule because it's a courtesy, if you, if you counsel on someone, you go okay, because I can't make it today. Can we do another day my treat or something? Yeah, yeah, you try to make it better instead of worse.

Yas:

For sure I hate flaky friends. You're the one who always reaches out. You're trying to make it better instead of worse. For sure I hate flaky friends. You're the one who always reaches out. You're the one who always checks up how they're doing. It's like one-sided. That's also horrible. Oh, it's just tiring. Have you ever had that?

Ilma:

happen. Yes, oh my gosh, it's so exhausting, and I think this year came to a point where I'm like I don't need to be this desperate.

Yas:

Yeah, I've definitely had it happen, but not even I've not realized till like later and be like oh my god, why am I the one who's always initiating, hanging out, yeah, but then some people are just bad too, like actually they don't mean to be, they just are like that because they maybe never had to.

Ilma:

I agree, I agree, but it's just shit being on the other end of it.

Yas:

Yeah, literally so bad, Ilma. Why do you think it is way more hurtful for somebody to lose a best friend over a?

Ilma:

boyfriend. I think a best friend is someone that you actually genuinely plan a future with, because you talk about weddings together, you talk about you know, be fun to have kids together, like you plan on, like living this life in parallel, and it's almost unconditional, where you think, okay, this is my girl forever. Boyfriends come and go, we know this, we've been taught this, but girlhood, sisterhood, that is forever, and for it to just yeah, I definitely think it's because you tell them so much, and you tell them even more than your boyfriend.

Yas:

For example like when I first started dating my boyfriend, I would definitely like not, I wouldn't hide things, but I'd definitely not share things, whereas, like, my best friends would know, my best friends know like everything.

Ilma:

Tell your boyfriend I killed the person, sorry. That went so dark, that just went like really, You're still in the corpse, You're still thinking about your friend that called you a corpse.

Yas:

Yeah, basically, do you have any on the corpse? You're still thinking about your friend that called you a corpse. Yeah, basically, do you have any like regrets when you've had a friendship breakup?

Ilma:

maybe I should have drank.

Yas:

Maybe I should not have stopped drinking alcohol, that's bad, though you don't want to, as a friend if she's ditched you because you drink.

Ilma:

Don't drink yeah, well, that's what it felt like, oh sorry makes you sad for you. No, it really does. Maybe I should just go back on. Maybe I should go back to rehab.

Yas:

No.

Ilma:

I was obviously blindsided with my best friendship ending. Have you ever with your friendships ending? Have you ever seen it coming? What are common signs, would you say, that a friendship is coming to an end?

Yas:

I think if it's like for me, the only time I have seen it coming is when you've moved away or something like this, or you've had a massive change or the thing that you used to always do with that best friend. For example, I had it with a best friend. We used to when we were best friends. I was going through like a dark time I know this sounds bad, but like I was going through like a, I was just sad, way more sad and stuff.

Yas:

Anyway, I would go out so much and we used to go out together so much and then when I kind of came out of not feeling as low, yeah, I didn't want to go out as much, and being around that person reminded me of that so then, our friendship kind of drifted and like separated. It took a long time, but maybe that's like a sign. So a lifestyle change, a lifestyle change.

Ilma:

You know what I mean like, if you change, should a lifestyle change impact it. So I don't understand that.

Yas:

Well, I mean I think it depends on your friendship really, how deep it was like as in how best friends you actually to the core were, because we obviously weren't Okay.

Ilma:

so she was like your party girlfriend.

Yas:

My party girlfriend that we were best friends because we were always together, but I wouldn't say we were actually best friends. Yeah, okay, I feel like you have't say we were actually best friends. Yeah, okay, I feel like you have to put your friendships in different categories. Yeah, so Then you can, but if it was like a best friend, I never had it where I've had it like a lead-up, but if it was, it'd probably be like they just start annoying you.

Ilma:

Maybe that's what happened. Sorry, maybe I just started annoying her.

Yas:

Yeah, sorry maybe I just started annoying her, yeah maybe she starts bitching to other people which is bad, like about the small things that then add up to the big things, yeah, and then they get involved and then they're like oh, okay, then we won't hang out with ilma anymore, okay, yeah maybe okay. I mean, it's not nice, but maybe that's it I mean this is kind of closure.

Ilma:

Yeah, yeah, I'm giving you closure you always do with the situationship and now with a friendship breakup. This is the breakup diet. When you know that phase in the breakup diet where you reach out to your friend, this is, it is the breakup diet, the same with a situationship and a friendship.

Yas:

Well, for me, whenever I've had a friendship breakup, I don't not want to see people. When I've had a breakup with a relationship, I am like severely depressed and don't want to see people, can't even fathom eating because I'm just uninterested by it for like two days, and then after I want to see people but I'm kind of just dead behind the eyes, corpse-like if you must. With a friendship breakup I probably am more angry the whole time.

Ilma:

The grieving stage is different. So with a relationship you go through the entire emotion the sadness, the questioning. What could I anger?

Yas:

yeah, what could I have done? Like how could I have been better? But then also like how could you do that to me? Like, yeah, also thinking about all the happy things, whereas with the friendship breakup it's just pure anger isn't it? Yeah, I think it's anger, and then maybe sadness comes after yeah, and then but with the breakup it gets before, you go sad, angry, whereas a friendship breakup, angry, sad. What would you be doing after a friendship breakup? So what I did?

Ilma:

at the start of the year, kind of dealt with it the same way as a breakup, a relationship breakup, where I'm like, oh, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to be outside I feel like I'm not worthy really it got really dark. To be fair, though, you you did lose, like my two most poor people, like my boyfriend and my best friend, it would have been more rough if they started hooking up. Thank god he's not her type she's definitely his.

Yas:

Yeah, yeah, I was thinking. I was like trying to make sense of that. Definitely his time.

Ilma:

That would have been like the nail in the coffin if they both did end up hooking up. Could you imagine?

Yas:

no, honestly, that would be so, so horrible.

Ilma:

It's like how much more does god want me to learn? Was a divorce not enough?

Yas:

Yeah, you've had it rough, but maybe because you've had it rough so many times, you only got uphill for now.

Ilma:

Well, I should bloody hope so, but then where is the uphill going to start? How do we get there when you're obviously so guarded from these experiences?

Yas:

Are you going into friendships being?

Ilma:

wary, definitely wary, and I'm very hesitant to mix in groups now yeah, fair, you're like different groups stay here yeah, which is crazy.

Yas:

This is why you don't ask me out like shut up.

Ilma:

I always do.

Yas:

You're never here I know I was spilling your leg, I was trying to pull it, I was trying to get a reaction, just for fun. But yeah, you always ask me to be fair, yeah.

Ilma:

What are ways that you would do to move on from a friendship breakup?

Yas:

I would probably to move on, chat shit about them. Oh my God To my mom, who's not going to tell anyone. I'm not going to go spread bad stuff about them to other people. Yeah, no, because if they were a best friend, I still have a level of respect oh, definitely they did something dirty, then I probably would be dirty back I feel like it's fine if they slept with your man.

Ilma:

It's fine to talk shit about them to everyone. Yeah, I want the entire community.

Yas:

Yeah, exactly yeah, but if they didn't do that, but like something else, that was just really bad. I would still tell everybody about the situation if it was more of a respectful thing, like you kind of drifted yeah, I would share it on the podcast.

Ilma:

Yeah, share it on the podcast.

Yas:

No I would um, with no names, though, so yeah, everyone's concealed um, I would bitch about it to my mom, because my mum would give some helpful advice.

Ilma:

Yeah.

Yas:

Reassure me, might add some comments that I don't want to hear in there.

Ilma:

Have to give it back to her a bit about whose side.

Yas:

are you on mum? Yeah, pick me, and then I would probably just try to hang out with other friends and focus in on like hobbies and work?

Ilma:

Yeah, definitely. It's weird because when you lose a friend, just like when you lose a partner, you gain so many fun new people in your life. How do you let down your guards with a new set of friends?

Yas:

I think it takes a long time. For me personally, trust is earned, it's not given. So that goes with friends too yeah, no, definitely a long time and different situations that pop up within, like life and then, you become closer some people.

Ilma:

This is the same with relationships when they have anxious attachment and they just cling on to you just like they would cling on to with a man yeah, almost like love bomb, but yes, love bombed with friends. That's actually such a thing, because I've noticed I've been getting kind of love bombed with friends where I feel like when I make friends with new people they're so obsessed with me, they find my jokes funny, they're so interactive with my stories, and then you're so cute.

Ilma:

They find my jokes funny and then, just like over time, I'm like not their favorite doll anymore. Have you not felt that I just get love bombed like crazy everywhere?

Yas:

I didn't know. Lots of my friends are being my friends for years because I have a good, solid group of friends that's a nice reflection on you.

Ilma:

You see, I don't mind when I introduce people and they become really good friends, like I find it like. Oh, that's so cute. Like you know, they found something in common. That's nice.

Yas:

But then I don't like it if they leave you out yeah, see, there's like a line yeah I. I think it's really nice when your friends get on, because then, if you're all together, you can hang out it's fine you know you're all really good friends, but it is awkward if you, if they become better friends, even though that's nice for them it is awkward for you if you're like them yeah, just like kick to the curb like, yeah, yeah, when you've ever had, like a friendship breakup, how has that come about?

Yas:

like, have you been just ghosted? Have you had a face-to-face when this girl told you, was it over the phone or zoom you?

Ilma:

know, imagine the friendship breakup on zoom.

Yas:

They just dial you in on google meet like yeah, and they're like enter the password.

Ilma:

Yeah, host is gonna let you in. Host has dumped you get out, kicked you out. Mine was on a call. I texted her being like oh, I saw you hung out with everyone else when I've asked you to come hang out with me, what's up? And then she called me immediately and we talked things through. And I burst into tears and yeah, I mean it was nice and that we know we talked it through. Yeah, but sometimes when you talk about things, you get even more confused and you ask questions in your head, like later on when you've like analyzed it over and over again. So I have like 10 million times more questions to ask her, but I'm never gonna get the closure, do you?

Yas:

ever have. When you really have situations, I always have it all the time I'm like, I'm like, oh, we have an argument or something, and then I'll like relive the argument like, oh, yeah, but you did this and then like, and then I'll think about it and be like oh yeah, but also you did this and this, and like, I will tell you this yeah, that, yeah, yeah.

Yas:

If only I could have that conversation again, because I would have such fresher points that would just swipe the floor, you know yeah, but sometimes when you have an argument, I find if I'm like a bit shocked or if I'm a bit, I just can't like say I was paralyzed yeah, yeah, yeah, I was paralyzed. You wish you could.

Ilma:

Yeah, I just and think yeah, instead I'd be like so, um, like we can hang out please. She's like. No, she's like we've got nothing in common. I'm not gonna come down to london for a catch-up and I'm like, but what about facetime? Will you facetime me?

Yas:

she's like ilma no, I've blocked.

Ilma:

Yeah when would be an appropriate time to ghost a friend? It makes sense to ghost men. An appropriate time to go. Actually, wait, I have ghosted a friend before. Why? Because she made such moves on my man and I just felt so embarrassed to have that conversation being like please don't ever climb on top of my man. Well, she just climbed on it oh yeah, like a tree, oh yeah, in front of everyone, and I'm like paralyzed.

Ilma:

I just had a dinner or something we were walking home together in the big group and she just climbed on top of him from the front like not even like a piggyback.

Yas:

Yeah, basically valid reason to ghost, right, if a friend jumps on your man yeah, if I would probably just like watch to see what my man did, though, is that really toxic?

Ilma:

I'd be like my man failed the test. What do you do? Oh, he was loving it.

Yas:

He was egging her on ew what they should do in that situation. That would be hot as a man would be okay. She jumps up, you very like, gently and elegantly, put her on the ground and say please never do that again yeah would you mind? I think that's quite disrespectful to ilma bang hot.

Yas:

Instead he's like whoa, you're so light I've had a situation where I wasn't a close friend but like a friend, she would always invite all my other close girlfriends on group trips and not invite me, and I would always be like making a conscious effort of inviting her if I did something, because I was like no, that's mean like I'm not gonna invite three others that you're in a group with and not that person. Even though you know what I mean, you can't do that, it's just a common etiquette, but after the third time I was like why am I even being friends with this person?

Yas:

I don't really like them also, they bitch about everybody. So I was like, why am I even being friends with this person? I don't really like them. Also, they bitch about everybody. So I was like I put like three different reasons as to why and I was like not gonna be friends anymore. And then slowly all my other friends stopped being friends with her, but not, I didn't tell them, even though I really wanted to be like guys don't hang out with her.

Yas:

She's a bitch. She said this about you. I still didn't do that, even though I really wanted to be like guys, don't hang out with her. She's a bitch. She said this about you. I still didn't do that. Yeah, you were respectful with it, even though I really wanted to.

Ilma:

Nice. It's nice when they're the problem, when they're the problem and you're not the problem.

Yas:

It's like and when everybody finally gets on your train and you can be like I was the first person to do that.

Ilma:

You're like I was the first person to do that, and you're like justice feels so good right now, literally.

Yas:

And I feel like when people are bitching about their friends, it does come back. Like you do hear it, it might take a while, because some people are scared of power in friendship. Have you ever had a situation where you've been scared to say something, even though you thought somebody wasn't treating somebody else right? I don't think I've ever actually come across that situation, so what would you suggest to somebody going through a friendship breakup right now? I guess to just bitch to your mom. Get a hug.

Ilma:

Literally, your mom is the best thing ever yeah, yeah, before your best friend was your mother and you reach out to her.

Yas:

She will have some. Well, my mom will have some funny things to say.

Ilma:

Yeah, she's like that bitch, oh queen, yeah, and just hold your calm with them. Be as poised and dignified with it yeah, because it does come back to you if you act like a bitch, it'll come back to you 10 times more.

Ilma:

It's not worth being catty. Yeah, I think for me. I've learned that it's actually okay to kind of grow apart from people. You still have those amazing memories that you can cherish forever, and now you get to be friends with more people and make more new memories, if there's some sort of rule like if you've been friends with somebody for like seven years, you'll be friends for life. That is true, that is true.

Yas:

Because I also find with friends that if you're really good friends you can go away for so many years or whatever.

Ilma:

And just pick things back up. Yeah, those are the kind of friends to have.

Yas:

So hang on for those types of friends.

Ilma:

Yeah, because when one door shuts, another door opens friends.

Yas:

Yeah, because when one door shuts, another door opens.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Ilma Shahrene

Co-host
Head Shot

Yasmin Misner

Co-host