The Break-Up Diet

Am I still in love with my ex Benny Jeee.....

• Yasmin Misner and Ilma Shahrene • Season 1 • Episode 10

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What happens when the person you thought would be your forever walks away just days after celebrating a major milestone? That’s exactly what happened to me, and in this episode, I sit down with my ex, Benny, to relive the whirlwind of our breakup. Together, we confront the emotional chaos, the selfish decisions, and the bittersweet sadness that surrounded our separation. From attempted self-sabotage to the unexpected timing of the breakup, this raw and honest conversation is a rollercoaster of laughs, tears, and unresolved feelings.

Breaking up is sometimes the best thing that can happen to you, and Benny and I are living proof of that. We delve into how ending our relationship became a turning point for personal growth and newfound ambitions. I became more physically fit and driven, while Benny found mental clarity and freedom that helped him excel both personally and professionally. We also debate the societal norms surrounding breakups, the need for alone time, and the often stark differences in how men and women navigate the post-breakup landscape.

Relationships after divorce are a minefield of evolving priorities and societal expectations, and Benny and I tackle these head-on. We talk about the pressures of maintaining traditional partnership roles while desiring independence and personal freedom. And as we navigate our way through post-breakup friendship, we explore the complexities of moving from romantic partners to platonic friends. This episode is a candid exploration of the emotional highs and lows of breakup recovery, personal transformations, and the enduring search for happiness and fulfillment. Buckle up, because it’s going to be a revealing and emotional ride.

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Ilma:

Okay, I'm here with my ex Not my ex-husband, but the one that dumped me two days after my divorce party.

Benny:

Do I need to introduce myself?

Ilma:

Yes.

Benny:

Hello, you have a name, I guess. Yes, I'm Benny. I'm Ilmsi's ex and I dumped her after the divorce party because I thought it was the right thing to do, because I didn't want to ruin her party and I think I'm a moral boy. But I guess we're gonna talk it out, aren't we?

Ilma:

we are, we are. I have so many questions to ask whoa, I'm, honored, I'm honored to be sat so close to you again really yeah, do you want to get back with me? Maybe really yeah, buckle up bitches this is gonna get bumpy. This is the breakup diet. Yeah, buckle up bitches. This is going to get bumpy, this is the breakup diet. Okay, all right, all right, the episode's going to be good guys.

Ilma:

The episode's going to be good. I was really nervous because, you know, I haven't seen him in ages. I slid into his DM being like hey, do you want to be in my podcast?

Benny:

you know, you say podcast like. You say it like p o d k a r s t because I'm australian yeah, it reminds me of my dad really, because your dad's australian no, because he's south african oh, we're all the same yeah, you are okay, daddy, normally I call you daddy.

Ilma:

Um okay, I want to go back to the breakup.

Benny:

No, sorry, I'm just excited to be here, okay, so.

Ilma:

I had a feeling you were gonna dump me in that last month we were together and I would try and get you to dump me. Either I would like self-sabotage or like run away from you like physically run away from him or did you yeah, remember that time I stayed over I just ran.

Benny:

I was like sorry, I can't stay here anymore yeah, but that's because you thought you had an STD no, no, that was the no.

Ilma:

That was a separate time so what was this time? Do you remember it was like the last time we like stayed over at yours, I stayed over.

Benny:

I can't remember that's crazy okay men, men right so.

Ilma:

I tried to get you to break up with me on the week off the divorce party a couple of days. Why didn't you just break up with me? Well, because I wasn't sure. I still wanted to be with you. I still want to be with you to this day, but gotta change my answering machine now.

Benny:

That I'm sorry. We'll save it for later then just interrupt.

Ilma:

Holy shit, okay, as I was saying, I tried to get you to dump me two days before and you were like no, no, no, like when we see each other, the party's gonna be fine, they'll be fine. And then it wasn't.

Ilma:

Two days after you show up with a bag of all my stuff from yours are you gonna cry, no it's traumatizing because, like I'm like, oh, like he's coming over, we're gonna have sex and you know, my friends were over and I'm like, oh, guys, like benny's coming around, so I'm gonna be busy. Um, he comes here with like a bag of all my stuff my straightener, my lotion, etc. Etc and I'm like what, what's going on? And then he dumped me are you gonna cry? Don't ask me that seriously, stop asking me that.

Benny:

What then? We need to cry.

Benny:

I feel bad well, don't feel bad, I'm being really theatrical okay okay, so then you dump me what the fuck it's funny to think about. Well, I think towards the end, because our relationship was that mega, mega, mega intense, because it was like doing heroin it was really amazing but it was all consuming. So when, when it got a bit too much for me and then my life as me was suffering, I thought I actually need to end it. But then the last few times that I saw you, like at carnival and stuff, we'd have like the best time and I'd be like whoa because we had such a good time, but then there wasn't like another moment to save it really. So I just thought, fuck it, I've got to go do it.

Benny:

And then I came around with all the stuff. It was very sad. I was very nervous. That's like one of the only few times I've been nervous in my life. It was very sad. It was so sad. I know, with the tesco, the straight news are a bit shit, though I didn't want them in my gaff, the purple ones, so it's ours yeah, but it was a sad day I just think it was so selfish of you to do it after my divorce party.

Ilma:

If you knew, if you were at my divorce party knowing that you were gonna dump me. I introduced you to so many of my family friends as my boyfriend do you know how embarrassing that is for me? And then I made you like a little sash that said husband number two. Yeah, do you know how embarrassing that is for me? And then I made you like a little sash that said husband number two. Yeah, do you know how embarrassing that is for me?

Benny:

but if you, if you tried to get me to dump you, then why were you making a sash for me?

Ilma:

because I was trying to um save the relationship yeah, yeah.

Benny:

Yeah, you're living in fufu land like it. Just it wasn't the one anymore, but there was no nice time to do a breakup. You would have hated me if I did it before the divorce party no, I think it would have been like oh, that's so funny. Divorce and a breakup like double celebration, yeah and then you would have got hammered and then you would have that you would have been so upset after when you were hungover, because you were like I'm going to go home.

Ilma:

Well, I was like afterwards anyway, Exactly.

Benny:

Exactly so, like there was, there was no.

Ilma:

I didn't like wake up next to you. I thought, like at my divorce party, I'd wake up next to you the morning after.

Benny:

I know, but you were like being sick on the floor.

Ilma:

So you just left me all by myself home. No, I took care of you what if I vomited during my sleep, there was no one home.

Benny:

No, I took care of you and I put you to bed and I put you on your side and I held your hair back whilst you were sick. I would do that even for my friend, so you can't make me a villain with that one, but there was no nice time to do a break up, so you agree, you're a villain. You're the villain, I'm not the villain with it. You like megan fox and jennifer's body?

Ilma:

eat me do you want me to?

Benny:

I'm halal okay.

Ilma:

So this podcast is called the breakup diet and it's been semi-inspired by our breakup. So after our breakup, I became more focused on the gym. Ambitious, dare I say. I've become hotter after you dumped me, which is amazing because you didn't get to experience me at my hottest you still are.

Benny:

So you think you've gone downhill?

Ilma:

no, no, I'm saying that I've gotten so much hotter since you've ever been with me oh yeah, that's true, I agree. Yeah, so you haven't had me at my hottest, which is really, really nice. I'm going to hit my hottest, which is really nice. That's why it's called the breakup diet.

Benny:

Yeah, yeah.

Ilma:

Because you know you glow up, you become more focused on your own personal stuff. What is the breakup diet for men, for you, what was it? Like me, yeah it.

Benny:

It was amazing really.

Benny:

Yeah it I felt very free because I felt guilty that with us at the end yeah it wasn't what you wanted, and the fact that you have to see me once a week and I couldn't even commit to that showed that I was a bit fucked up at the time. So, um, after it I felt very free. It was sad when I did it on the day and then like a couple days after, but then I was relieved and then everything really benefited, really like I could focus more on my work, um, like I was going out more and I just felt very free. So it actually helped me and started going to the gym more instead of staying in bed with you, because you obviously are better than a workout. But overall for me, yeah a workout is probably better.

Benny:

So you said you've gone hotter, so have I, which I have to agree with they would look down, um, and yeah, everything benefited my work. I was getting more jobs and like I hate talking about views and stuff, but it's important for work and I've got more views and because I could think clearly and got more work because of it and and yeah, and gym helped me even just have like a good mental baseline. So so we're gonna get back together then we're not.

Ilma:

If you're gonna, okay. We're both too ambitious people, so we're not gonna get back together I think.

Benny:

I think that, yeah, it just it. It really helped me and I was ready to put you behind, but it I was, I know. But it was hard because obviously you're a great person and you're like 11 out of 10, so everyone got compared to you. Who I kissed after, because obviously I've not slept with anyone else, because I'm an angel, um, but everyone I kissed after, um, you know it, that was a bit annoying okay, that's really strange.

Ilma:

So you broke up with me because you wanted to be alone. Why would you need to like throw yourself to other girls?

Benny:

well, I'm meant to just sit in my room and have loads of wanks and be alone. You said you wanted to be alone bonking someone is different from being in a relationship with them but you're still. That's still time it's not the same yes, it is with me. The only issue with us was have the expectation that I felt. Even when you gave me minimal, I still felt it, you know, and it was like a personal that's crazy.

Ilma:

So all I would ask is let's hang out once a week, because I'm busy too. And then you're like oh, I want to be completely alone. And then you go dating a guest, which kind of defeats the purpose of being alone. I don't understand that. And this is not just a you thing, this is like a man thing. When men say they want to be alone, they just throw themselves in a million women which is like but you wanted to be alone, and is that not more time consuming, like the actual time it takes to shag multiple people? Is that not?

Benny:

more. I've not shagged anyone, I've not put some angel wings in me on this edit and a little halo, um. So it's different. I let me, I've got to speak for myself and me. Dating someone or seeing them is different from me being with them. And then there's like no expectations okay, what makes it different?

Ilma:

because the time is still the same. It's still time being consumed out of your alone time that you wanted because, it's more like, you see them, and it's done.

Benny:

When you like someone, you don't see them, and it's done. You see them, then you text them, then you plan the next thing. Even if it is only once a week, it still happens. You know what I mean.

Ilma:

So so it's the extra 20 seconds of texting that was overwhelming to you it was just that we call that.

Benny:

We were together and we called it a relationship which, in my brain, made everything different, and that's why I didn't like it at the end.

Ilma:

But it's just a word.

Benny:

I know, but I'm fragile, I'm Gen Z.

Ilma:

I'm Gen Z too, but it's just a word.

Benny:

I thought you were millennial. It's just a word. Look, I've only ever had one proper girlfriend before you, so I didn't know what I was doing. It was my first year working for myself, it was my second ever proper girlfriend, and that's just the truth. And that's how I was feeling but I'm sorry.

Ilma:

No, that makes sense. I was hoping to get a more clearer answer, not just from you, but, like on behalf of all men really? Firstly, I don't represent all men okay, what's the point of you being?

Benny:

here. I don't represent all men, because obviously I don't think like that, but I still am a boy, so there are some things that boys constantly do that I know girls get annoyed about and you know men are just trash and I'd advise any girl listening or watching this to just be a lesbian, because women are so much better. I actually mean that from the bottom of my heart, like if you were into that I would say just be a full leather.

Benny:

I know, but men have all the money and the dick which you need sometimes to calm you down.

Ilma:

I know you're getting your head Okay. So, In the context of a relationship, where do you see yourself in the next ten years?

Benny:

I like that. You did that with your hand. Did you know you were doing that?

Ilma:

No.

Benny:

Classic.

Ilma:

Very Italian. Can you answer my question?

Benny:

Yes, I just love you. So I think as you get older, you know, when you're a bit younger, you have this nice idea of a family and everything. But I've realized what I care most about is my work and because I have to do it all myself, I I really don't think I'll be in any form of relationship for quite a long time. But 10 years is a long time. I think it's fine for a boy because you change. You know you do change. As you get older. You think, uh, I want to be single forever, I'm gonna party forever, but you do change. But right now I can't envision myself in like any relationship oh, thanks.

Benny:

And and also, as I get older, the idea of kids. It gets scary because I've seen how it changed people's lives. And my sister is 29 and her friends are having kids and the whole life changes. And she's like are you gonna come out with us? And they're like no, firstly, you can't even I didn't know this, you can't give a kid a babysitter straight away. You have to like, be there as a parent, but she's a fucking ball ache. And the second thing is like then, as you, as you do get older, then you do have to sort of babysit, which is another balling.

Ilma:

Okay, that's kids, but in terms of a partnership with another woman, no, really Not for a long, long, long time Same.

Benny:

Have I scared you?

Ilma:

off no.

Benny:

What has, then?

Ilma:

I'm not trying to get back with you.

Benny:

But I will take you back. Really I actually would, really yeah, but it has to be my fault. I would, but with no commitments. It has to be like what does that mean? So you want basically me, but then you want everyone else yeah, but you'll always be my number one because you're 11 out of 10. I'm a great person, see I don't understand.

Ilma:

You found the perfect woman 11 out of 10. What else are you looking for?

Benny:

focus on your wife my work has been doing bits.

Ilma:

I'm very happy yes, I don't understand. This is not just you thinking.

Benny:

Yeah.

Ilma:

Other men too.

Benny:

Yeah.

Ilma:

They find the most perfect woman and they're still yearning for more. Okay, fine, what else are you searching for?

Benny:

Fine, do you want to marry me then?

Ilma:

No, but I'm just asking what else are you looking for?

Benny:

I think men need. They need to feel fully free.

Ilma:

Go to war.

Benny:

That's like the opposite of being free. I think men need to feel fully free free from what. I think in the modern era from commitments, I told you men are a let down and that's why you should be a lesbian, but that's the truth. Speaking for boys and the ones that I know, they just need to feel fully free but then that's the truth.

Ilma:

Speaking for boys and the ones that I know, they just need to feel fully free, but then men wouldn't want us to do the same thing.

Benny:

Well, personally, I actually would encourage it, but I know a lot of guys wouldn't, which is bad and I can agree with you on that. But me personally like go live your best life.

Ilma:

But why is the best life getting with multiple people?

Benny:

It's not even that you have to get with multiple people. It's just like the no expectations on you is very freeing and that's why I was so much happier after we ended, because I had no expectations and in your head you're like all I wanted to do was see you once a week.

Ilma:

Yeah, I don't know, I'd like to ask for more. How will see you once a week? Yeah, I don't know. I've like never asked for much. How am I being made?

Benny:

to feel like I was asking for a lot back then. Yeah, you weren't. I know that you weren't, but it was just the expectation, even that small level. It just didn't agree with me because I'm a free spirit you're just a selfish person.

Ilma:

Oh, oh no, I think because it's missing with my head. You're telling me I'm the most perfect woman 11 out of 10 but then you're still searching for more well, I just want to feel fully free.

Benny:

I won't say I'm searching for more, and I think that's important is to feel fully free it's not what I want to hear. I'm sorry it is, though. It is like feeling fully free is is so important. I think there's so much pressure, pressure in the modern world. You know you have to date, you have to do this, blah, blah, blah, I think, regardless of dating. I think if you can feel fully free, then you're on to a winner.

Ilma:

What are you trying to feel free from?

Benny:

Um, like attachment and people having expectations of you, which you do when you're with someone. No, that is true.

Ilma:

Yeah, you have been married.

Benny:

Yeah To Fatty, hello Fat to fatty, hello fatty. I hope you see this, um hope you're not stuck in ice somewhere blobbing along. Um I I just there's just a lot of pressure with everything. That's why the modern relationship really struggles, I think, in today's world, and regardless I'm sorry, it only struggles because men are just selfish pricks. They are. They are I'm saying it the facts of how it is, but to girls it just comes across as selfish, which is true, and that's just two sides of the coin, isn't?

Ilma:

it, Dude. This makes me actually want to be celibate for the rest of my life.

Benny:

Well, if it makes you happy, then I would encourage it. Why not yeah, because it's not like I'm putting luck on you none yeah, really, and that's bengali luck yeah whoa, that's quite hot no one's got access to me anyway because of shit like this.

Ilma:

This is just pathetic. So men do this stuff and then there's this epidemic of men being so lonely. Blah, blah, blah. It's like what do you guys want?

Benny:

no, I I think men are obviously. They're just weaker than girls, aren't they? That's why you can't understand that feeling free is so important because men are weaker than girls, so they think about things differently. You know what I mean. A girl is more likely to on her side, to uphold a strong relationship and still do well in other things in life. You know, men are fragile and pathetic, so like if one thing goes wrong it affects everything, but a girl's not like that. They just get on with it.

Ilma:

You know what I mean no, I completely get it, it's just really like angering me. I can feel angry tears like blowing out of my eyes. So you guys want to be free, but then you complain about being so lonely.

Benny:

I don't get it well, I personally don't complain about being lonely, it's like more like news articles. Yeah, yeah, I'm the highest suicide rate of men yeah. Yeah so.

Ilma:

So what now? No, this has been like such a big bombshell to me because obviously you know I'm divorced and navigating this life as a single woman, post-divorce dating relationships. This whole idea of forever is not there anymore. So what happens now? Do I date for just now and not for the long term, because men just don't care and they want to be free. But then if I don't date and I'm being celibate, I'm missing out because this is my prime and then no one's going to want me when I'm 40 and saggy.

Benny:

I don't think you're going to be saggy when you're 40. I think you also know that you're going to be laying up 40. I know, but You've got to relate to everyone.

Ilma:

Okay, you're not answering my question. So what now if there's no forever with men? What do we do now? This is scary. Maybe I should just. I should have just been in my shitty marriage I was gonna say maybe at least I would have like been with someone you should have stayed with the norweg Norwegian.

Benny:

I should have just stuck it out the Norwegian cruise liner chugging along, okay, well are you lost yes my best advice is well, you just have to try what works for you really, because I feel like men ultimately not in every case, so I can't say ultimately, but in nearly every case will let you down. But you see, enough flourishing relationships are just harder to find, so you just have to hope that one comes along. But you know, my sister and all her mates have been in long-term relationships and they're married with kids and they love each other a lot.

Ilma:

So I hate that it's not up to me, though I hate that it's up to the man it's not up to the man as well? It is because if I'm with a man that's always seeking for fucking freedom. I'm never gonna have that forever with him. That I want, aka what I've experienced with you say again what do you mean? Did you miss that? Yeah, basically I was saying shit, I think I forgot too something about man no.

Ilma:

So basically, the the whole idea of finding my forever is beyond my control. It's up to the man, it's not up to the man yes it. If the man's always looking for freedom, say with you, I'm not going to get that forever that I wanted say with you yeah, but, but there's not.

Benny:

all guys are not like that.

Ilma:

I know, but then most men aren't.

Benny:

Most aren't, and I can't change them?

Ilma:

Yeah, I can't change them.

Benny:

Yeah, I can't change them. Well, also, like, as my dad said, if my auntie had balls she'd be my uncle Like it's just a fact of life, you know what I mean Are you happy after we ended?

Ilma:

Um no, I think I might cry.

Benny:

Not really.

Ilma:

It's made me so confused Really. Yeah, oh, that's sad. It's just like you, it's just like you, it's that is this gonna be my life now? Oh, where, it's just short-term relationship.

Benny:

Short-term relationship and no forever, or no like I know, I know, but you've you've only had like two proper relationships. You've had the norwegian cruise liner and then and then you had me. So how are you basing your future off?

Ilma:

two relationships makes me cry on podcasts?

Benny:

really no oh well, I'm sorry I'm not. Yaz, yes, is cuter than me. I know she's so cute. Love you, yaz. Um well, you've only had two relationships, so you can't base it off. That one was a marriage which was complete custard brain behavior. Because you're in bright lights, because you're from the most isolated city in the world, so you're living your london dream and you got your head was pre-frontal development as well.

Benny:

Yeah, yeah, you got and, and, then, and, and. Then the sardine muncher got you a helicopter. So obviously you're like, wow, I need to marry that con. You know what I mean. And then that ended, and then you met me and it was great. It was just the end. What wasn't great. So I don't know how you think is my really my life going to be? Actually, your pattern would be another marriage next, before your next short-term relationship. So you're talking about all these theoretical things that that, like you know, that's not how relationships work. People turn up in your life and it goes a certain way. There's not like a repeated pattern, you know yeah, that's true.

Ilma:

I think I'm just feeling very hopeless, and this might be because this is like the first time in six years where I've been properly, properly single.

Benny:

Well, you've gone like. This is the sexiest that you've ever been, as well.

Ilma:

So don't be with men, otherwise I'll be ugly.

Benny:

No.

Ilma:

Men do take my beauty away.

Benny:

No, they don't. I just think that you hadn't probably been single, so you didn't.

Ilma:

it's good practice, yeah well, yeah, you have to. I'm normal and healed now, surely like we can just get back to it. It's just getting boring. I love the breakup diet. I really do. That means it'll be the final episode the relationship diet.

Benny:

He has got a boyfriend as well. Yeah, and you both be with Jews Collecting us my little nut. You want to get back together? I'll have to have a think about it what's there to think about?

Ilma:

you literally said I'm the most perfect woman and I'm, you are not a what's there to think about?

Benny:

because the male brain is all f'd up oh, you know what.

Ilma:

Well, let's just leave it. I don't want to get back with you this entire discussion. I really thought that it would ignite feelings back. Now I'm like you know what, if men are this complicated, battling their demons between freedom and loneliness, do I actually care for it now? Whoa, oh, the tears five minutes ago.

Benny:

Allow it, holy shit okay, I like when you go to london and say, allow it all right now that I've decided that I don't want to get back together so you decided I've decided yeah, okay she decided um.

Ilma:

Do you think we could ever be friends, you and I? Like actual platonic friends. Weird like sexual tension a hundred percent, really.

Benny:

Yeah, you'd probably like I'd have to take you to turkey for facial reconstruction, though, because, like god has made my perfect woman, which is you, so then, how would you be friends with me in a platonic way if I'm the most perfect woman for you?

Benny:

I probably just have to have eight wanks before any any coffee date. Um, I don't know if. If I saw you more as friends and I got used to it over time and I forced myself not to do anything, um, then I think that would be good practice and then, yeah, but it would be difficult to get there because you've got such nice boobs no, it's because you've got feelings yeah obviously, but you are great as well, so we could get there, but it would be quite a long journey, I think oh, everything's a journey.

Ilma:

I know getting back together now, even being platonic friends. Is that too much to ask for now, benny?

Benny:

so yeah, everything, unfortunately, is a journey for men, because men are weak okay alright.

Ilma:

I've just not been getting the answers. I've just not been getting the answers I've been looking for. Thank you.

People on this episode

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Ilma Shahrene

Co-host
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Yasmin Misner

Co-host