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The Break-Up Diet
Welcome to The Break Up Diet—your weekly dose of self-improvement, glow-ups, and everything breakups (yes, not just the romantic ones). Hosted by Yasmin and Ilma, we’re your no-BS besties here to guide you through every type of breakup—whether it’s from a person, a toxic cycle, or even your old self.
We’re flipping the breakup narrative.
No more heartbreak—just transformation. No more setbacks—only glow-ups. Breakups are the ultimate opportunity to level up, and we’re here to help you do exactly that. Whether it's navigating friendships, situationships, or even kicking bad habits (we see you, vaping!), we’ve got the raw, real talk to help you rebuild and thrive.
Grab your seat, darlings—this is where the best version of YOU begins.
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The Break-Up Diet
Breakup Secrets You NEED to Hear with Paige Moyce - Part 1
What if the path to healing after a breakup lies not in winning back an ex, but in winning back yourself? Join us as Paige Moyce, a seasoned Relationship and Breakup Coach, shares her journey from unhealthy attachments to emotional freedom. Through her powerful insights, Paige dismantles the myths surrounding the "no contact" rule and highlights the significance of personal growth and self-care. Her story is not just about endings, but about new beginnings—a tale of rediscovering happiness and security, step by step.
We then venture into the labyrinth of toxic relationships, shedding light on the manipulation and boundary-breaking behaviors that often bind us. Through a candid personal narrative, we explore the challenges of breaking free from familiar yet damaging dynamics and how therapy can offer a vital perspective. Reality training emerges as a guiding light, empowering us to recognize patterns and move forward with clarity. This conversation is a reminder that acknowledging the truth is the first step toward emotional recovery and self-discovery.
The episode rounds off with a deep dive into the intricacies of trust and communication in relationships. We explore the emotional baggage that follows betrayal and how understanding and patience can build a safe haven in new relationships. Highlighting the value of emotional intelligence, we discuss how partners can navigate differing communication styles and conflict resolution, fostering a harmonious connection. Whether you’re dealing with modern relationship challenges or learning to compromise in disagreements, this episode offers a roadmap to healthier and more fulfilling partnerships.
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Hey guys, we've got the most amazing guest I would say probably the most perfect guest we've had so far, Introducing Paige Moyes Relationship and Breakup Coach.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here, Honestly so excited.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for coming on Like, honestly, we need to get somebody with actual good advice.
Speaker 2:Ilma and.
Speaker 3:I are out here bullshitting. Let's be honest, I think man Yaz is in a really happy relationship.
Speaker 1:We need the expert?
Speaker 2:No for sure. I feel like as well. There's so much out there, like sometimes I see things and I'm like oh my God, please don't tell me people are listening to that. Like that's wild, like what is going on, like buckle up, bitches, it's gonna get bumpy.
Speaker 2:This is the breakup diet and I mean everyone's gonna share their experience and that's great, but yeah, there is a way to do things that's going to make it like a million times easier. So what's an example of that? I'm curious. Like the whole go no contact to get your ex back disaster, like walking talking disaster. That is not going to happen if your ex comes back. It's a coincidence.
Speaker 2:Playing that game like doesn't bring anyone actually back.
Speaker 2:And if it does, how long is it going to be for before you have to play that game again to get them back?
Speaker 2:I mean, and you're going to I say this to every client like, please, don't expect to go into it and be perfect like a, like a diet, like to expect perfection is wild. You're not going to reach that bar. And then, when you don't, you're going to beat yourself up and then you're going to look to them to comfort you. Then you're in that whole cycle of feeling like you need them, so like, except you may break it, except you may say you know something to them that you're going to look back on and go. Why did I say that? Why did I do it like I don't even feel that way, like it was a moment of weakness, or like emotion, um, and just take it literally day by day, but definitely not doing it with, like the idea of a game, because it just always ends in disaster, because human condition is not a game yeah, and then they end up playing a game back to you and then you're back on their chessboard.
Speaker 2:So, like you think you've got, like them on yours, but you, you don't really in that situation, because you're grieving and like any human that's grieving. You just need to focus on you and not be yeah playing okay.
Speaker 1:So what do you mean? Like when people say focus on you like yeah, what does that mean?
Speaker 3:it's so annoying, isn't it, when people say that you're like I I never used to paint, but now I'm an artist.
Speaker 2:It's the most frustrating thing so many clients will be like. So I'm focusing on myself and I'm like so what are you doing? They're like just thinking about myself and literally. So I think that unpacking the relationship is really important because actually, when you're doing that, you're healing, you're processing, and without psychological processing you can't heal, you can't put it away. You know, it's a bit like a book you have to read it from cover to cover before you can put it on the shelf. Like all the time you're like skipping chapters or avoiding chapters or repeating old chapters. You're never getting to the end, like you're just sitting in the same loop.
Speaker 2:So I think really processing the relationship allows you to go okay, you know what responsibility am I going to take? That's probably going to give you things to work on, which means you're, in turn, focusing on yourself, but also you get to give some of the responsibility to them, and normally in a breakup, you're carrying far too much of it, and so it's important to like healthily separate the kind of cloak of responsibility I call it um. So that's really important. But also like rebuilding what makes you happy and you might not know straight away, like what makes you happy, what makes you calm, what makes you feel safe, what helps you feel soothed like. There's all these different layers of who you are. You're not always going to be happy, but you can always make yourself feel safe and calm and wanted and content that would be so hard yeah and you're trying to feel, you know, happy or safe after, especially if you
Speaker 1:went on that person, like that person was your safety net or you felt supported by that person and then you lost them yeah, so hard, which is why, like breaking it down is really important.
Speaker 2:I always say to my clients like don't look at it as like one giant book, just one chapter at a time. Like if you just start with safety and go let me just explore it, like and see what comes of it. Like there might be things that don't work, that's fine, but at least you've tried and you know that now. Um, but also like not putting yourself under pressure to have it all figured out. Like get through the first stages of grief and then, like tackle those things. Like don't try and do it all when you're like heartbroken, not eating, like don't then tackle like self-esteem in that as well. Like just just take your time and yeah, then then you get there and how come you are a breakup and relationship coach.
Speaker 3:Have you had your own experience?
Speaker 2:or yeah yeah, for sure was it bad one which everyone's always like, oh, you must have been through hundreds. I'm like, no, I actually only went through one, but it was after a five-year relationship, so it was like a heavy one and it was like my first. What I thought was love, I now know, was not love, it was just a really unhealthy attachment. But at the time we'd met, when I was what, 15, 16, like you're at that age where you're a baby, like you think this is, you're gonna marry this person and you're that person, that's like met them and that's it, and then they're not it, but you make them it and I think that was the mistake I made. So when I went through that breakup I mean he cheated loads, like tons, but I didn't know until after I'd left and to this day I never confronted him on it, so he didn't ever know. I knew so closure.
Speaker 1:Did you get any?
Speaker 2:yeah, because I think I was, I'd grieved while I was with him, like I was slowly detaching in the last year, thinking like this isn't right, I don't trust you. You call me a psychopath, like is any of this normal, like. And then I went into therapy and that was really helpful because it was like an impartial, not like a friend or family member who didn't particularly like him anyway. So when they'd say something I'd feel defensive, whereas when it's someone that has no involvement, like she's not going to be saying anything unless she's witnessing that. So I detached really slowly.
Speaker 2:I actually remember the moment I thought this is done, because he was like, oh, we should start looking at what we want to do for a house one day. And I actually remember feeling sick. I felt physically sick. I thought, oh, my god, I'd be in a house with you like, and I don't trust you as far as I could throw you like god help me, I don't, I don't want that. So your body basically kind of told you, yeah, my nervous system now, I know, was like hell, no, this is not a safe person, like what are you doing?
Speaker 3:and so I ended it within like the week and you ended it yeah, I ended it did you ever feel like it was a mistake or not because you took so long to come to that decision? Because for me, I like just thinking about it if I took a long time to do it, and you're thinking, you know about the scenario so much, and then you finally do it and then you're like, oh my god have I just lost?
Speaker 2:you know what I mean. Yeah, for sure on the lead up. Yes, because I think as well, like brains are wired for comfort and familiarity. They're not wired for you to be happy like that's an active choice, and that's why it feels so hard sometimes to fight against what's normal and comfortable and what's healthy, and they can be two, two different sides of the coin, and I think that was normal.
Speaker 2:So everything in my being was saying stay, work harder, be more patient. What if he goes on to be great for someone else? What if you look back in 20 years and go? You lost your soulmate, all of those. What if horrible thoughts that make you feel so anxious were there? That make you feel so anxious were there. But deep down, like, my logic was like he's had secret email accounts, like you found this. You're like come on, paige. Like does your soulmate? Are they going to treat you that way? Probably not. If they're your soulmate, like they're going to, they would hurt if you hurt. So they're the last person that wants to hurt you. So once I did end it, end it I just remember him saying you've ruined my life. And I was like I've ruined yours.
Speaker 2:Like I'm like okay, I'm being gaslit here like what's going on? Um, and then, literally a month after I found out he'd been having sex with someone else for like a year. So I was like you, cheeky, can I swear on here? Yeah, yeah, you cheeky bastard, you've just told me I've ruined your life and you were sleeping with someone else for a year what?
Speaker 3:what is that about men like why I I see it with like people I know and stuff, and they, they have these boys that will cheat and cheat and cheat, but then they still, you know, when they break up, like the girl finally finds out, they break up but they still do everything to try to get them back, just to have that like power over them. But then they're like they're going and like I'm thinking of one particular person and they keep messaging, they keep making email addresses to reach out to my friend and I'm like what are you doing?
Speaker 2:yeah, it's such an ego thing. It's like they want to know they can still have you, which is so selfish. And whenever I hear that, or whenever I have a client that's going through that and they're like putting their boundaries in, you know, blocking them, like really taking back the reins on the situation. It's like a red rag to a ball. Like that person is then like well, now I want them more because I can't have them.
Speaker 2:It's like if you thought they were that special, you wouldn't have repeatedly done the same thing, with no accountability. Like everyone can make mistakes. We're all human, you know. None of us are perfect, none of us have a crystal ball. But if you're repeatedly cheating on a person and ruining their self-esteem and you're just generally not being a good partner, you know, or a good human being, at that point like let them heal, like do the best thing you can do after hurting them and go. Do you know what? I'm not going to be selfish in this moment and get the ego boost by getting them back, when really I probably don't really want to be with them or I wouldn't have kept doing that. I'm going to let them go and repair the damage I caused, but you're not dealing, usually highly egotistical, so they just want what they want, irregardless of what that does to you, which, the sooner you accept that with a person like that, the sooner you cut that cord and you're able to go. Do you know what?
Speaker 3:I know what game you're playing, and I'm not playing it too anymore, but it is hard when you secretly want them at the same time, so it's difficult yeah, because I imagine when you have like a like a toxic relationship like that and you keep going back and you have this like yo-yo, how do you actually break that cycle without you know for somebody that isn't going to therapy or something, how do you actually get to that point of like that's enough?
Speaker 2:honestly, reality training is the best thing you will ever do in your life. So I give it to all of my clients. So you write a list of all the times you felt hurt, sad, disrespected, whatever it may be, in your relationship. You write all of the facts of how it happened, how you found out, what it looked like, etc. On the other side of the paper you write how it made you feel in the moment. Was your heart beating, did you feel sick? Did you feel panic? Like what did you feel? Like? Take yourself back.
Speaker 2:Every single time your brain gives you a positive about this person. You read that list and you like put yourself back into those times. It strengthens your logical cognition. So when you're going through that toxic cycle, it's your emotional brain Doesn't have to use any logic annoyingly, or any facts. The logical brain can only use facts, can only use evidence-based thoughts. So the more you strengthen that logical part of the brain, the more I always say the logical brain becomes like the driver and the emotional brain becomes the person in the passenger seat, which is fine. You want, want your emotions. But reality training just on repeat or using a friend to do it, and being like read me that list, like, take me back in this moment. You find that then you start to get angry and that's when you know you're halfway through your grief and you're, you're over the hill.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, reality training is important and sometimes, like rereading old messages can actually be helpful, like at the right stage can like bad messages yeah, reread them and be like oh my god you see, I'm maybe I'm a bit impulsive with that like as in if I get in an argument. It tends to be when I'm drunk, but when I get an argument I'll just delete our whole chat and everything I'm like you suck, you're blocked, and then I'll wake up from my drunk state and be like oh, that was a bit far. That was a bit far Unblock.
Speaker 2:And that's why sometimes the odd screenshot can be helpful. Just have a folder.
Speaker 1:The X file.
Speaker 2:That's the X file. I'm going to go through this damn file and remind myself what more on you were. Just let yourself get angry. I think a lot of people like struggle with anger and I did personally like very, very much struggled with anger. I didn't like feeling angry and it isn't always nice. It's such an ugly feeling.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I hate it.
Speaker 2:It's not nice but like, let it. Like it's a fire that burns brightly but like goes out very quickly, so while it's burning, like let it burn. Like burn it, because you can't last very long on anger. Like no one can stay angry for days and days and days and weeks and weeks and weeks at the same level. Um, so, yeah, let your anger come in and imagine it's like your best friend or your sister when you're rereading their messages and think, what would I think of this man if, like, the shoe was on the other foot and it wasn't me at like, the other end of this treatment?
Speaker 3:it was someone I love yeah, that's the thing, isn't it? You can always, for example, you can always give somebody else advice, but to take your own advice is so hard, yeah in one ear, at the other it's like no, it doesn't apply to me. You should do that yeah right things are doing, I'm just sure I like it myself.
Speaker 2:I mean I'm lucky now I'm in an amazing relationship. But like when I was in that five-year relationship, I've always been the friend that gives advice, even before I did this job. But like when it comes to myself, yeah, no way I'd be like, oh, but maybe he's telling the truth, even though there's like a whole page of evidence to say otherwise. Maybe on the off chance where, like now, I look back I'm like oh, no, like the facts were the facts for a reason, but you just don't always want to take it no.
Speaker 3:So you say you got cheated on going into a new relationship. How did you not take your baggage? So I don't know, maybe it's just me, but if I got chewed on a lot and found out all this horrible stuff, I would be going into my next relationship like having being, like thinking he's gonna do it, even though he's a different person. How can you not?
Speaker 2:and I think not beating yourself up for that is important. First of all, I think a lot of people are like I must go into this new relationship, like not doing that, and that in itself is a problem because that's a natural safety mechanism. So the sooner you accept that, the better. However, it's like a team effort I always say so like being with someone that helps you feel safe. But knowing what helps you feel safe so that you can actually recognize it, is really important. But also, I mean when I went into my new relationship, I was still training in psychology, so I hadn't fully gone through it yet and know what I know now. And I did check his phone and I'll always openly admit that we'd probably only been seeing each other like six weeks. I was like, right, I need to get ahead of this, like I was on hyla how did you check his phone six weeks in?
Speaker 1:yeah, six weeks in.
Speaker 2:I was like figuring out the password how do you do that?
Speaker 3:I've been with my partner for like two years and I haven't. I don't even know his password. I mean date of birth.
Speaker 2:It was like, I'll be honest, I wasn't a genius in that moment and we laugh about it now. He's like you checked my phone. I'm like I did check your phone, wait, so you guessed the password. It's not like a muscle training thing that you saw?
Speaker 2:No, I guessed I thought born in 1990. I mean, I always say this not all men are as like complex as like we give them credit for. Sometimes it's just the birthday and it's like you try the simplest thing and it works. And it was that and I went like I got angry because I saw like old messages before he knew me, like it's the typical woman thing, where he was like I didn't know you existed. I was like, but still that's legit me.
Speaker 3:That's legit me, I like see, like my boyfriend like that is last week okay cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, literally I was like but you know, you were, you know, complimenting her on whatever, and he was like okay, but this was a year before I knew you, like I'm not sure what I was. Was I meant to be rude, like because I somehow knew you were coming? Like what?
Speaker 2:was I meant to know so I was still like a little extreme um, and like we laugh about it now, but I did check and I'm always honest about that. I didn't go in like dalaiama, super calm, like oh, it's all good, like no, I still had major trust issues, like I didn't want a boyfriend, I was as cold as ice. Like I was very much like no, I don't want to be with anyone, like this will be my terms, when really I really liked him, like and I think that was what was frightening me well, how long after so your previous relationship did you meet this man?
Speaker 2:Quite soon, like three months. No, yeah, no, it was quite soon, it was soon. And that's why we say you can't choose the time in, because in an ideal world, no, I didn't want to be with anyone, and I was very certain on that. My therapist was very certain on that.
Speaker 3:Was that just like a self-protection thing, because you were so hurt from before and then you were like, yeah, you know hugely.
Speaker 2:I was like all the time you're not my boyfriend, you can't hurt me. That was like my logic. All the time we're just seeing each other. I can walk away just as easy as I walked in, because there's nothing official, you can't embarrass me. And I think that was from the last relationship. I felt very embarrassed.
Speaker 2:A lot of people knew what he was doing, so it was like mutual friends, his friends, people that were acquaintances, like people that I knew just to say hello to all knew what he was doing and would see what he was like, and so I just felt like I looked like an idiot, like I was walking around like in this like dazed world, having no idea that he was sleeping with all these girls behind my back, naked pictures. He had secret email accounts. It was endless. How did you find out? I bought him an ipad, so that's when I found the secret email account and the absolute moron had like backed everything up to his iCloud. So he's oh, can you set it up for me? So when I logged into everything, I was like I didn't know he had this like hotmail account. He always had an iCloud account and then I went in and he like saved all the naked pictures of the girls like in like as draft emails, so it got to an awful lot of effort for these pictures.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's like. No, it's my best friend. It's my best friend.
Speaker 1:Now I look back I'm like why do you have your best friend's naked?
Speaker 2:weird yeah, like who does that? That's weird. So I think that's why I checked the phone when I was with who I'm with now, because I was like, well, that holds. Subconsciously it was like that holds everything, like if you're gonna find something it's gonna be there. But the ex actually sleeping with other people a girl come up to me is how I found out in the toilet of a little pub, the most random pub in the world wait.
Speaker 1:So she told you that she was sleeping with him.
Speaker 3:Yeah, for like a year did you have like photos on social media or something and she worked it out, or she had known about me for ages and she still slept with him yeah, but the thing is like, although you look at it, like how could she do that? But she's not actually really. She's in the wrong because she knows, but not really is she it's hard.
Speaker 2:It's like girl code versus relationship code. It's such a fine line and if she liked him, like, if she actually was like she was young yeah, like at this point I was like 20 and she was like 17 and yeah and he was like 22, oh, so he was that bit older.
Speaker 2:he had a really nice car, like I can see how she would have thought, if anything, I'm not like now I mean, I'm not angry either of them now, but like her especially, I actually feel a bit sorry for her because I'm like as a 17 year old girl, and he drives this fast car and, like you know, he's got a really good job and I can see how she would have thought, oh, and he likes me, like and I'm 17 and like he obviously doesn't love his girlfriend and he probably made me out to be a lunatic, you know. So she probably had an opinion of me that wasn't fact. But yeah, she came up to me and just said, fyi, I've been sleeping with him for like a year and I was like, okay, actually good of her to tell you, because lots of people wouldn't, lots of people wouldn't no, I know, and I I almost think, though they had this relationship because they were together after.
Speaker 2:So they then ended up together, I believe, for a few years, oh my gosh, and I think it was this like tit for tat, like throwing daggers at each other, but via me at that time, like well, I'm gonna tell her that you were sleeping with me, um, and like I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna that's how it felt, like I was in the middle of that, but neither of them were really having my back. They would. I was the person that didn't know anything, so telling me something hurt the other one. In some, you were just used as bait.
Speaker 2:For sure yeah, now I'm older, I'm like, yeah, I can see how that worked.
Speaker 3:That's horrible. And then did you see, so you said that they were together for after for a bit. Did you see it on like social media or something?
Speaker 2:No, I had them both blocked, yeah, just because I was like what's the point? Like, and genuinely, when I ended it I was done. I had no emotion towards him at that point. I actually walked through a pub and saw him with another girl and felt nothing. I actually felt a bit sorry for them. I thought these poor girls are going to get the same treatment, if not worse.
Speaker 3:Because if I was his girlfriend and he was doing that of all these years, then, bloody hell, what's he going to do to anyone that like he's not even serious about? Yeah, because I feel like a lot of people when they break up with someone, they think like they're gonna be amazing and such a changed human and they just take all the good parts because, like I don't know when you're going through a breakup, you just remember all the good parts. It's hard to remember all the bad. You just like romanticize?
Speaker 2:yeah, absolutely you do, and I was really glad I didn't do that you're so lucky I didn't do that I, and I honestly didn't hate him either.
Speaker 1:I was indifferent no, I would hate him I would be like sorry to the girl too, I know I hate you, I hate you and I hate you. All my friends were like that.
Speaker 3:They were like if we ever see him anywhere.
Speaker 1:I hate you and I hate you. A voodoo doll yes. Fc witch spell yeah.
Speaker 2:All my friends were like that. They were like if we ever see him anywhere. But I was like, I think, because I've been detaching, and some of my clients are like that. They're grieving in the relationship. They go through the heartbreak while they're still with the person. Yeah, a lot of women tend to do that.
Speaker 2:Men don't no men it's after, and normally months after. Unless they genuinely were madly in love with the person, then it's straight away. But women typically detach while they're with the person slowly, so slowly that by the time it's over the man is like where did that come from? And it's like she's been telling you for months like what do you mean? Where that, where did that come from? And then she's done, she walks away, which was definitely me.
Speaker 2:I was done a year before that relationship ended. So even though, yeah, technically I met someone three, four months after really it was like a year and three, four months because it was going through the motions with that person, at the end, sadly and I think he was doing the same with me he definitely wanted to be with this girl. I don't think he had the balls to leave me and I didn't really have the balls to leave him at a certain point. So someone had to do it and I don't think he's a bad person actually and his mom's lovely. Now I look back, we were just young, young and like we didn't have fully logical, working brains.
Speaker 2:I always say that like for men it's like 25 before their logical brain is here, like to stay, and for women like 23. So, my god, like we were both not thinking with any logic and if anything, I'm glad about it because it's made my relationship now so healthy that I'm like, actually sometimes you need a really crappy one to like, no, I don't want that. And then you kind of like flip-flop to the other side and go okay, that is what I want. But unless you go through, you don't always know so when you go to the next relationship yeah, when you went into the next relationship.
Speaker 1:How did you not have your guards up?
Speaker 2:because after my divorce.
Speaker 2:I've been guarded ever since and I still am two years on yeah, of course I did at first and he would say that I was very like he couldn't read me, whether he I liked him or he didn't know and I didn't know for him either and we're very similar, like that. Um, honestly, it was like this is what I expect, and making that quite clear, and he was well entitled to tell me what he expects, and I had to kind of give him a chance to meet that because I thought otherwise, what's the point? Like, if I'm going to keep moving the goalposts, no matter what he does, I'm I'm not being fair and he hasn't given me any reason and he never has given me any reason to doubt who he is as a human being. But also not rushing into like labels, like letting someone show you who they are. Just let them show you. Like, let them show you.
Speaker 2:Like if there's certain situations that you know, maybe triggers for you see how they behave in that. Like after the phone thing, he was like he laughed about it and he was like okay, you've gone from my phone, clearly your last relationships affected you page. Like what, I haven't done anything though. Like so where are we at with this? Like he was very like didn't get angry at me, didn't shout at me, didn't like mature, it didn't make me feel stupid. He was like, but I haven't done anything, so like this is where we're at.
Speaker 3:The difference is, you felt you're dealing with a mature man.
Speaker 2:We haven't done yeah yeah, you need to, because that matters. You can have all the self-awareness in the world and be like no guards up, but if you're meeting morons, you're gonna put your guard up. Like why are you not going to? Like you can't blame yourself for that, but like the right person will help you feel really safe. Like he makes me feel really safe.
Speaker 2:Like he, if we're in a room full of women, it's not like behaving in a different way because there's really beautiful women. Or like you know, keeping me at arm's length because of this. Or like he will shout from the rooftops from when we were together that we were together. There was no like oh, should we give it a bit longer. Or like I don't want this person knowing. Or like there was no sneakiness around it, so that helped me bring them down. And knowing all that, there was no sneakiness around it, so that helped me bring them down. But also awareness of like these guards are up because I was in a not very good relationship, so it's going to take me a minute and that's okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then as soon as they like came down, you just became now you wouldn't check or anything.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't think nothing on since that time, like however many weeks in, I've never bothered. I just feel like if I needed to, that would probably tell me everything I need to know. If that, like you know, woman's intuition is there, it's never off and even if you're slightly off, you're on the right path, like usually. So for me. I'm like if that intuition was there like that for me would be the problem. Now I wouldn't stress myself out like going through everything and being on that like adrenaline roller coaster that happens. I would just be like clearly this is a miss. Like why, like what's changed now?
Speaker 2:But at the beginning it is hard, but someone who's patient and emotionally intelligent will understand that because they might have been through their own things. So therefore they're gonna meet you on that emotional level. Someone who hasn't is kind of just gonna roll their eyes and be like we'll get over it and he's like, well, when you're hurt like you wouldn't say that to someone that's just broke their wrist this is just a mental wound. You might not be able to see it, but it still exists but how?
Speaker 3:because nowadays it must be really hard going through a breakup because of, like, all the social media and stuff that like I feel like cheating or yeah, anything is so easy that you know what I mean. Like it must be so hard to just be so trustworthy yeah, and I think because the temptation is everywhere oh my god.
Speaker 2:But also I'm a big believer in if you've met your person on like an emotional level, a physical level, a psychological level, like nothing really compares to that feeling, like a feeling like you can trust them. Like I know with like my fiance, I know I could trust him with any decision on my behalf. So therefore I trust his own decisions and I know that he communicates. If something was going wrong or if he wasn't happy, he'd be the first one to be like I'm not happy. He wouldn't sneak around and do anything. So it's almost meeting someone with the same values, but a lot of people can say that that's their values. So it's really letting them show that that's their values. You know, with how they talk to you, with how they deal with conflict, I always say you'll know how healthy a relationship is, and the kind of marker, I suppose, is how they argue what if they don't argue good that needs to be fixed, but it depends.
Speaker 3:That's my downfall. We argue really bad in what way? So he's gonna hate this. Oh well, so basically he's a very defensive argument, yeah, yeah, so I can't deal with that. Like I'll just shut off. Yeah, and if you come aggressive at me, yeah, like, not necessarily like shouting, just the way that it's said or anything, I can't process it, I like shut down completely.
Speaker 1:And I don't have that with anybody else.
Speaker 3:Never had that in my life. Yeah, but with that I can't't. I just can't talk. But then also I can't go to sleep. At an argument like I want to fix it straight away, even if it's not 100, I don't want to go to bed like, yeah, you know being upset, but he's the opposite, whereas he needs time to cool down, otherwise he'll like make it. It always ends up way worse, yeah, way worse yeah, that's super normal.
Speaker 2:I just want to say that Most people don't have the same arguing styles at the beginning or even a few years in. It takes patience. I always say to clients who are in that position meet in the middle. It doesn't need to be one person's way or the other, it can be somewhere in the middle where it's like right doesn't need to be one person's way or the other, it can be somewhere in the middle where it's like right. I always say, like put a level on the argument.
Speaker 2:Like level five is like we are losing our shit, like this is not. This is not the time to be trying to like discuss it. Like emotions are too high. Level one is like you've annoyed me. You keep like leaving all the doors open or whatever it might be like. So almost like putting a level on your argument and both agreeing to that In that moment. For you it might be a level two, for him it might be a level four. Let's just say I'm going okay, you're sat at a four, you're sat at a two. How long do we think we need? Let's just take an hour and then let's just re-come back. But let's remember before we take that hour, we love each other. We're going to fix this. But having those affirmations with each other can be really good of like we love each other right now. We want to fix this right now, but we're strongly disagreeing because we're two separate humans. Let's take an hour, come back if in an hour we're still not there, that's also okay, but we can't keep doing hours. So, like, what you each do in that hour is going to be important. So he will obviously need to cool down and figure out what that looks like for him. You will need to cool down, but in a different way, kind of settle the anxiety probably of having this argument and knowing he needs to cool down. So it's like what you do in that time matters, but reminding yourself that you love each other like this is an argument unless it's over something like incredibly serious, like like realistically, is it more important than that love? And when you ask yourself that question nine times out of 10, it's like no, I'm just annoyed right now, but it is finding that balance.
Speaker 2:When I first met my partner, we had very different styles of communication. Like we have different upbringings, we have different brains. Like it's okay, I was a big talker, he was less of a talker, he was more of a let me just think about it and we'll talk in half an hour. But that would make me very anxious because I'd think but like I just want to solve it, this is stupid, I don't get this. So over time he's learned to communicate a bit more and I've learned to like, not panic, because he's still going to be there. But it's, having that reassurance in an argument can be important, especially for the female. Typically it's just a bit of like it's going to be fine. It's just you're both humans and you're going to react to anger and things differently. It doesn't mean either of you are wrong. It's just like your middle ground is going to look like something, so you just gotta find it good to know, oh good.
Speaker 1:So, guys, thanks for listening to us for part one, but keep in mind that this is a two-part episode, so we got part two coming out next week so part two we'll dive into more of Paige's unique niche as a breakup coach, some of the common mistakes people do when they break up and, of course, the stages of a breakup yeah, so tune in, because it's going to be a good one you.
