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The Break-Up Diet
Welcome to The Break Up Diet—your weekly dose of self-improvement, glow-ups, and everything breakups (yes, not just the romantic ones). Hosted by Yasmin and Ilma, we’re your no-BS besties here to guide you through every type of breakup—whether it’s from a person, a toxic cycle, or even your old self.
We’re flipping the breakup narrative.
No more heartbreak—just transformation. No more setbacks—only glow-ups. Breakups are the ultimate opportunity to level up, and we’re here to help you do exactly that. Whether it's navigating friendships, situationships, or even kicking bad habits (we see you, vaping!), we’ve got the raw, real talk to help you rebuild and thrive.
Grab your seat, darlings—this is where the best version of YOU begins.
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The Break-Up Diet
Glow-Up GUIDE with Paige Moyce - Part 2
This episode navigates the complex emotional landscape of breakups, highlighting the psychological and chemical factors at play and offering practical advice for healing. Key discussions revolve around communication in relationships, navigating emotional stages, and embracing self-love during the healing journey.
• Exploring the emotional and chemical aspects of attachment in relationships
• Understanding the commonality of sudden breakups and their long-term effects
• The importance of communication in maintaining healthy relationships
• Identifying emotional stages during the grief process of a breakup
• Encouragement towards self-kindness and recognizing personal worth after a relationship ends
• Emphasising that recovery is a journey unique to each individual, with no strict timelines
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Email: thebreakupdietpodcast@gmail.com
Okay, before we dive into part two, don't forget to watch the first part of this episode, because this is a two-part.
Speaker 2:So if you haven't watched it, you need to watch it, because Paige is brilliant and she dives into like obviously I don't want to give you too much because we want you to go listen, but she tells us why she's a breakup coach from her own experiences. So go watch it and then come back and watch this one. Buckle up, bitches, it's gonna get bumpy.
Speaker 1:This is the breakup diet so with um client work is there like a trend in the breakups, the causes? Yeah.
Speaker 2:And follow up on that as well. Is there, like what are, some common themes that you see?
Speaker 3:Like themes and fears. Honestly, like a part of my niche is really like the chemical attachments that happen when you're in like a really on-off relationship or a very toxic relationship or a narcissistic relationship. Um, so that attachment's really strong because you don't just grieve, you chemically detach, and that's really difficult because that's the cravings of like I need to be with this person, I need to see this person, I need like I need to talk to them, even if they treat like rubbish and like it's cognitive dissonance. So it's basically where your logical brain has gone to sleep, like it's not in the room, it's not even in the building how do you wake it up?
Speaker 3:yeah, like it's really hard and with clients I'm like but he called you this and they're like yeah, but like I angered him and I'm like no, like we all have free will here. Like he had a choice to call you that or not. He could have walked out. He could have said I need a minute. He could have done a million other things, didn't need to do that. But that's a really heavy thing that people really struggle with, and rightly so. It's the same addiction chemical as if you were addicted to a drug. So it's hard and I say to clients don't beat yourself up for breaking no contact or for doing things that are not perfect in your healing journey. Like you wouldn't say to someone who's addicted to alcohol well, come on, get it together. Like why can't you stay away from it? You know you've only been in rehab a week, should be over this by now. Like you wouldn't talk to them like that. You think, god, this is so tough for them.
Speaker 3:Definitely, like really sudden breakups is a thing where, like someone will apparently just wake up and end it and the other person is like what the hell? Why do you think that is? Do you know what? It isn't sudden and I think that's the problem is that the person who's going through it is like this is sudden, but that person's probably been checking out or seeing someone else or, you know, entertaining someone else. They might not been having a full-blown affair, but like there's someone in the perimeter that they're aware of, so to that person because the person that's leaving hasn't communicated it's like a bomb's just gone off but actually we're not in that other person's brain. And how long have they been? Stewing on these things still isn't healthy.
Speaker 3:But that's a common theme where you know sometimes they have a house, they have a child and it's like I'm done and they pack their stuff and leave and it's heartbreaking. So those two are super common, actually more common than I think. Maybe people realize when you're going through it they're like, oh, this must never happen to anyone, but it happens all the time if somebody was to you know, they start having the feeling of like this might not be the person, or this sort of stuff and they're grieving, like how do they actually make the decision that this is actually not right?
Speaker 2:you know what I mean, because, for as a woman, I don't know, because I'm not a man, but like as a woman, like going through that and like having that thought one week. The next week it could be completely different and you don't even think about it, but then it brings you back. Yeah, like how do you know? Somebody is actually truly like your person, maybe.
Speaker 2:And then also, whenever I start talking, I always think of another question Also how do you know you're in like a good relationship and like this is your person and you haven't just hit I don't know a more mature stage of the relationship?
Speaker 3:yeah, once you have like a few key factors down, it's easier. So I think keeping a diary whilst you're in the relationship, if you're like, is this right, is this not? It's really effective because in those moments you're writing what you felt in the moment, so it's not giving your brain time to change that. I always say memories are not always facts. When a memory goes into the brain, it's like smashing a CD into a million pieces. All the different pieces are going in a different order. When you recount that memory, they don't come back in the order they went in. The CD never looks the same. It looks like a triangle, it might look like a square, so the basis of it is the same.
Speaker 3:But the memory can be changed based on fears maybe fearing being alone, you know. Or fearing hurting someone, or you know all of these different things. Or it can change it because the brain is actively trying to keep you in your comfort zone, which is with this person, which is seen as safe. Leaving is seen as unsafe. Even if it isn't so, by keeping a diary, it's really useful to actually look back and go along. Let's look over the last month. How many days have I felt happy with this person? How many days have I not, how many days have I felt like I haven't been listened to Then it is important to communicate about it if you do want to fix the relationship, because that person genuinely may not know they're doing it and if you've never brought it up, they might just think you're happy and without saying like, look, these are the things that maybe are not working for me, like you could be ending a relationship that could well be super healthy. It just needs tweaks.
Speaker 2:How do you bring something like that up? Because it could. That would be quite scary to be like yeah, I don't like it when, because you can't come into defense like defensive, because then they're just going to be like yeah, and I think I feel statements are important rather than, like you, are statements.
Speaker 3:so I think if you go into something like you are doing, yeah-da-da-da, yeah because that's more like accusatory.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, and they might not genuinely mean it. Let's say they really struggle with communication and you feel like you need more from them. They may have had a childhood where that just isn't part of who they are yet. So they're not trying to hurt you, they just don't know that you need that. So saying that, look, I feel like I need da da, da da then allows them to go okay, well, I can probably give this much more. And if that's good enough for you, great, you've met in the middle. If it's not, then that's where you have to say well then, is it right or am I compromising my needs for this person?
Speaker 2:it's hard to actually, I think, make that decision of is it right? Because a lot of people I would feel would be scared that they're not going to meet somebody else for sure you know what I mean, or because there are so many bad people out there, which is horrible, but they are only really hear bad stories like your friends will only kind of tell you the worst story.
Speaker 1:yeah, because I guess it's more like funnier and interesting For sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it is. And I always say like professional and personal stories for me are different. From a professional perspective I can say what a healthy relationship is. From a personal perspective, now I can, but personal is so niche because everyone's view on that is going to be different. What I need, what someone else needs, could be vastly different.
Speaker 3:But professionally A there are like 8 billion people on the planet and I always say to clients let's bring it back to logic. Like there's no way this one person is it for you, like literally impossible, like they're not and if they didn't treat you in a way that's acceptable, they're definitely not Healing from that. Yeah is difficult, but it will be the best thing you ever did if they didn't treat you in a way that's acceptable. They're definitely not Healing from that. Yeah is difficult, but it will be the best thing you ever did if they didn't treat you right and you will get through it. So a relationship where you can really be yourself is important and I always say to clients ask yourself am I hiding parts of myself with this person? Truly, do I behave differently when I'm maybe around family that I feel super comfortable with, versus this person? Asking yourself the right questions and accepting.
Speaker 3:The answers are not always going to be what you want. Sometimes the answer may be something that you think, oh, that means I've got to do something with this and I don't know what. But I always say don't focus on how you feel about them. Focus on how they make you feel, and that will give you your answer, because often we're like but I love them and it's like that's great, but how do they make you feel like, do they make you feel loved?
Speaker 3:From personal experience, I couldn't be with someone who didn't like boost me up and like love what I do and like make me feel really confident and like say no, you've got this. Like I wouldn't want to love what I do. And like make me feel really confident and like say no, you've got this. Like I wouldn't want to be with someone that's like well, why are you doing that? So when you ask yourself that, you usually get an answer quite quick because you're like well, they make me feel good or they don't, and then it's up to you what you do with that well, if somebody can't like think about that, you know what I mean like really, because if you're so, wrapped up in it.
Speaker 2:How would you really?
Speaker 3:you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:yeah is that just through practicing and talking to other people or not shutting down.
Speaker 3:I think a lot of people like shut into their relationship and like we've all been there and done it, so like it's not the end of the world, like it can all change. Um, but not doing that like and saying to your friends or family like all I need is you to listen. I know you're gonna have opinions, I know you might have an opinion on this person, what I'm about to tell you, and I love that for you. But I really just need you to like, just hear me, like I don't need solutions, I don't know what I should do next. I just need you to listen because I need to be getting this out and you're going to find there's going to be people better than that than others, and that's why there's certain people to talk to about these things and certain people not to.
Speaker 3:I know that very rarely is a decision like life-changing for everyone everyone, I'm in. Most decisions can be changed. There's other decisions that come from it. So don't aim for perfection. Just know whatever decision you make will be right in the long run if it feels right at the time.
Speaker 2:And what are the stages of a breakup For me? I'm thinking it's like you're sad, then you're angry then you're maybe sad again.
Speaker 1:Then you're like you're horny.
Speaker 2:Then you're like oh, I need to go out, I need to hit the apps like who's around?
Speaker 3:and then you like plumb it down, plumb it yeah, I think the first one for lots of people is shock, and I think a lot of people don't know you can live in shock for up to six weeks. Lot of people don't know you can live in shock for up to six weeks, so like it's just giving yourself a minute, like just to like process it.
Speaker 2:Six weeks is long.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's a long time when you think about it it's a really long time and that's why so many people like a month in, are like but I'm still devastated and I'm like you haven't even processed it yet. You're not even like accepting what's happened yet, like that hasn't even begun. So like, give yourself six weeks just to like, live in shock, like whether you ended it or they ended it. It's still a shock to your system. Your routine has changed. Who you talk to every day has changed. You're grieving a person that's alive. Just give yourself a minute to get your head around that before you do anything else. After them normally comes the sadness, emotional overwhelm, usually, because then you're like shit like this has happened. It's been six weeks, we're not back together, probably not going to go back together. This is scary now.
Speaker 2:Should you be no contact in that?
Speaker 3:time, yeah, if you can. I know we say people with like kids or whatever, just limit it, like limit to essential. Or if you have a house, some people can't just disappear off the face of the earth and not talk to this person that's fine. But having like strict boundaries and getting someone to help if you can, if you're in the I say fortunate position but fortunate position of having no like intense ties, just cut the contact. But what you're doing whilst you're in no contact is really important. If you're just sat there hyper fixating on the good, that's not so good. Like reality train, have your list be focusing on the reality of the relationship.
Speaker 3:The sadness is hard. Crying is a natural painkiller for your brain, so it's like taking a paracetamol. So cry because it's actually helping you, like it's actually working your psychology through it. After then usually comes anger for some frustration, for some super normal. That's when I say, like it's time to start writing a letter to your ex and burning it, like it's time to start like getting it out and being like, yeah, like this is what's happened after. Then it's quite normal to flick back to sadness. That's just because you're on an emotional hangover. Anger is like a whole bottle of tequila. So after, yeah, you're gonna have a bit of an emotional hangover, you're probably gonna feel a bit down, a bit exhausted.
Speaker 3:This is the point where people go back. Typically they've had the sadness, they've gone on the roller coaster of anger and now they're coming off of it and they're like, oh my god, I don't feel wonderful. And that's when they panic. Nothing to panic about this is normal. You're gonna move through this stage. That's when you need, like your support network to comfort you, to really help you say like I'm gonna get through this.
Speaker 3:After then is when you start to let go of hope, and that's painful because hope is like the brain's way of keeping you attached. You're out of your comfort zone. Then, all the time you're in the previous stages, you've got like most of your body out but like an arm in, and that's your hope. Once you pull the arm out, that's when you're like okay, you're, you're fully grieving the fact that the future you planned, all of those things, are not happening now. And then after that you really hit acceptance and that's when you start feeling different and it's like do you know what? I'm good.
Speaker 3:I always say like you're not going backwards if you have emotion during acceptance. Like a lot of people are like oh, I've had a sad day. Like does that mean I'm going backwards? No, you're just human. You've just gone through a whole grief process, like give yourself a sad day every now and then or a low day, and sometimes it's nothing to do with a breakup. So sometimes the brain attaches it to that because that's the last major thing you went through. Actually you're just having a bad day, like you would if you hadn't gone through it.
Speaker 2:How do you get somebody because, like going through a breakup, you often feel like you could have done better and you like, yeah, shame and the guilt, even if you didn't actually do anything bad yeah, how do you?
Speaker 3:switch that do you know what? Learning to use your love language towards yourself in that moment and being like, right, if I wouldn't beat anyone else up mentally, the way I am myself, like why the hell am I doing it to myself? It's the brain's way of a full sense of control. So it's a psychological reaction. It's very natural. So it's basically the brain saying we feel really out of control right now and we don't know how to fix it. Like we don't know what to do it. Like we don't know what to do. So if we comb over the relationship and look at all the things we could have changed or done differently, we're in control again, but you're not, because you're still in the place you're in. So using your own love language is a good one, because if you know how you feel loved, then you just need to turn it inwards and do the things you do for someone else for you. That really helps.
Speaker 3:Also, you should buy that chanel bag for sure, all of them absolutely, and I say that as well.
Speaker 3:Like quick hits of dopamine are useful sometimes. Like like, don't beat yourself up, like so many people are like, but I don't, like I want to be doing everything properly and I'm like you are like, let's say they're in sessions with me, like you are like if it means like buying the thing that you want or treating yourself to that or going on a holiday, like don't think that you're avoiding your healing. Like as long as you're spending time healing and going through the process and you know, journaling and really connecting with yourself 70% of the time, have like a sprinkle of fun, fun. The other 30%, like give yourself an out. Like you're going through all this tough stuff. Like you don't need to be in a cave of grief all the time. Like if you can poke your head out and do other things, do it and don't beat yourself up for that. And also know I think this is important for lots of people like you didn't hold a gun to this person's head. They behaved the way they behaved out of free will.
Speaker 2:Like I know it's hard because it's easier to go.
Speaker 3:But you know, if I hadn't have done that or if I was better if I was this, if I was that, no like and it's hard to accept, but like. If you're taking responsibility for how you were, then it's only fair you let them take responsibility for the way they were Does it mean that you're not worth something special because they treated you like rubbish.
Speaker 3:No, that's a them problem. Feel sorry for them that they've lost you now Don't feel that you could have done anything different. Not everyone thinks the Mona Lisa is fantastic. Doesn't mean it's not worth hundreds of millions. Like you have to accept that like. No, not everyone's going to come along and treat you the way you deserve. But don't let that feel like okay, then I must not be worth something.
Speaker 2:you're then giving them the like number one opinion on you do you believe in um closure, having a closure conversation, or do you just think it's like a recipe to try to get back in with your ex?
Speaker 3:I think it depends on where you are and the situation. This person was abusive. Hell no, like run.
Speaker 3:I don't need to know why you beat me yeah, yeah, yeah like please, if they were emotionally abusive, physically abusive, manipulative, like they're not going to give you anything. That's like someone attempting to murdering you and you go into them and go please don't do it again. But like just let me know why. Like no, we're not doing that as much as you want answers from them. You're dealing with a person's brain at that point. That isn't healthy. They're not going to give you what you want, nor need. They're going to still lie. They're still going to blame it on you. You're going to come away feeling worse. If you're not dealing with a person like that. It's case by case. If you feel like it's beneficial for you, then it's good to do it, but don't do it for them. Don't do it to assume what they're going to say is bible truth. Go into it knowing it's for you.
Speaker 3:I always say you're probably not going to believe what they say and you're probably going to come away with more questions. But what did they mean when they answered it like that? What did they say? Like what if they were lying? What if that isn't really what they feel? Like? So try and just go into it with like this is how I feel when I'm leaving this here. Like this is what I want to say, this is what I want to get off my chest. Like but it's being left in this room or whatever it may be, but it's not essential. Like you can create your own closure for sure.
Speaker 1:That's amazing. I wish I had that. Yeah, but like creating your own closure.
Speaker 3:I wish I had the strength for that. Now I do, but yeah, it's hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And you feel like you still need them for so many things. I always say they're not oxygen. No, they're not. You might think they're the best thing since sliced bread right now. I promise you you're not going to think that in six months Like if you're really intentionally healing.
Speaker 1:What happens if you still are thinking they're the best six months after?
Speaker 3:Honestly why. That would be my first question what do they have?
Speaker 2:that's so unique. I don't know what you're thinking, so I don't know either like.
Speaker 3:Sometimes you have to like, like, look the question in the eyes, look the fear in the eyes, like, and I say to clients okay, so what is it?
Speaker 3:you, probably because you have fun yeah fun yeah, this is like my rebound after my divorce I'm still weirdly attached to him more than I am to my ex-husband yeah, normal, okay, really normal, because it's the first hormonal chemical high with another human you've probably had since. So it's almost like heroin from cocaine. Yeah, it's the best one, the freshest one from colombia yeah, like you've gone from like cocaine and then you've gone like full heroin yeah, you've gone in yeah, and then it's like you're coming off of that and it's like where do I go?
Speaker 1:it's taken me like a year, yeah, like he broke up with me exactly a year ago the rebound, and I'm still like maybe yeah, honestly, you have to be like it's.
Speaker 3:It's a mindset shift, it's a reframe shift, but almost just saying to yourself like okay, I had fun with this person, I can look back at it fondly, I don't have to villainize him to get over him. But also like he's not Jim Carrey, he's not the funniest person on the planet. Oh, really, I think he's so funny. You will meet other people that maybe will not be better nor worse, but will be different. I think that's the problem. It's like we're always looking to top it and it's like it doesn't need to be better, it just will be different. So I think for you, what you're probably struggling with is acceptance. A year old One probably struggling with his acceptance one whole year yeah for sure.
Speaker 3:I had a client who had like a situation ship for six months and she'd been I mean, don't let this freak you out, because this won't be your situation but she came to me after trying to get over them for nine years. But I said to her like what have you been doing for nine years? I was like because like nine years is a long time, like you must have dated other people. She was like yeah, I have. She was like the problem is I compare them all and I was like so that's the issue, you haven't really accepted it, you haven't let something in and for her she hadn't let in that she felt really safe with this person. She'd been in a very abusive marriage so she'd always put this block on herself subconsciously. That was the pinnacle and she'd lost it. And he was like but it isn't, it isn't the pinnacle. That took like a few sessions, but not long after, like she, she got over it. She's with someone else, like she did it.
Speaker 2:So yeah, if she can do it after nine years, trust me you're gonna be fine I sometimes feel that situationship breakups can be almost harder to get over because you're not allowed to feel like as sad as an actual, you know boyfriend breakup or like a marriage breakup, oh, my god for sure.
Speaker 3:And chemically they're a lot more complex because you've never been on like an even kill with a situationship. It's usually been a bit push and pull, dynamic, high highs, low lows. You know it's often you have never had the steady bit and so the brain still wants the roller coaster. So, yeah, situation ship breakups honestly can be harder and I think they are not given as much respect as they should be. You know, often we come out of a marriage and clients will say, like you know, I got over the marriage after like six months or a year or whatever it is, and like this person, it's been 18 months. What's going on? Like? And I'm like you can't use that metric of whether you were fully with them or it was a marriage or it was a 10-year relationship, like everyone affects us differently and that's okay, like, just give yourself a bit of grace.
Speaker 1:So basically, just get married again and no situationships and you'll be fine, Amazing, Amazing. So with this situationship it's kind of made me deterred from men as opposed to my marriage. It made me excited to meet new men. Now I'm like I don't get anything out of men anymore. Yeah, they don't benefit me like they used to. I can pay for my own food, my job, Like I've got all that, Like what's there? I don't really even want them for sex.
Speaker 3:Fine, so maybe right now it's a case of just accepting that, that like it's okay to not want them.
Speaker 1:But then I get really embarrassed when I tell people I'm not dating and they're like by choice, right, and I'm like, obviously by choice. Look at my face, duh.
Speaker 3:Honestly, I think the societal pressure is tough. It's like if you're single, you should be dating, because the pinnacle is to meet someone.
Speaker 2:And if you're not, why? What's wrong with you?
Speaker 3:Exactly Like. What trauma must you be going through? You must be this like person, that's like succumbed to not being able to get out of bed in the morning if you can't go on some dates. No, like dating can be fun, but only if you want it Like anything, like some people don't like to ski, that's okay. Some people don't like to skydive that's okay. Some people don't want to date right now. Let them live like you don't have to date just because you're single. The pinnacle isn't necessarily meeting someone right now. Maybe your goals right now are far away from a man and maybe in time a man will be one of the goals. But maybe right now it isn't a priority, and that's okay that's fine.
Speaker 3:Priorities shift, like when people become a parent. Their priorities shift when people leave uni or have their own mortgage or have a relationship. All of those times your priorities have changed.
Speaker 1:That's really nice I feel really validated because, like all this time, especially the last two months, I've been feeling very like a loser, like it's also hard because it's like it's just one of the first questions that come up for everyone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially when you're like an adult.
Speaker 3:Yeah, are you?
Speaker 2:seeing anyone or, you know, even at family events. I'll ask you if you have a boyfriend or something. You know, like I get it. My relationship other than now was my first relationship, but that was when I was 23. Yeah, so the whole time like I would be thinking like why haven't I had a boyfriend? Like I must not be good enough.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it's not like it puts so much pressure and it's nothing. Nothing has changed yeah.
Speaker 2:And now, even being in this relationship, when people ask me, the only thing is what no-transcript.
Speaker 1:Like what are dating relationship statuses?
Speaker 3:Oh for sure, and I don't. I don't think men have the same pressure. They don't. They definitely don't think men have the same pressure. They don't. They definitely don't. Like if someone's 40 years old, he's a bachelor. If a woman's 40 years old and single.
Speaker 1:She's a superstar.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she's a problem. She must be damaged in some way for no man to want to pick her off the shelf. It's like, no, maybe she just can't be asked.
Speaker 1:She's got really good standards. Yeah, like maybe she doesn't care.
Speaker 3:Like it good standards, yeah. Like maybe she doesn't care. Like not, it isn't for everyone. Like I, clients will always ask me, like when I was single for a short amount of time, um, like, what was that like for you? Like when you met someone else. Like that whole process of being single and people asking you like, do you want to meet someone? How did you find saying no because at the time I didn't, and honestly, it's like taking the cloak of responsibility off. And saying no because at the time I didn't, and honestly, it's like taking the cloak of responsibility off. And saying, like the pressure other people are putting on me is because of their insecurities. How they would feel to be single. That's a them problem. They need to go to therapy and deal with that. That isn't for you to put it in your rucksack and go. Now I'm gonna carry that same thought or feed in. But to be single, if you're enjoying it, go forth and prosper. Like definitely, don't put yourself under any pressure thank you.
Speaker 1:This is very liberating because I like having my time. I like focusing on the pod like having this business venture with my friend, of course. Um, I like being available to yas all the time.
Speaker 2:We're in a relationship we are. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in Exactly.
Speaker 3:Like there's times and places for everything. There's plenty of time to meet someone if you ever wanted to, you know, because I think a lot of people say that we've got plenty of time. Like you're still this age and it's like I might get to whatever age and still not want to, and that's okay. I might get to that age and want to, and that's okay. Like there's not hard and fast rules. There's people that meet at 65. You know their soulmate that they fall madly in love with, and they're happy, all right, cool.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's fine, you're good and there's other people that meet them at 18, like there's no.
Speaker 2:I think other people put that pressure on us or society does so you don't think there's like a specific time frame you should date after a breakup like no, I don't, and I think there's a lot of rules on this, on social media.
Speaker 3:I always say you'll know when you're ready.
Speaker 2:If you're doing it, because you don't want to think about your breakup, you're not ready if you're doing it because you don't think that helps, though like a distraction, although it might just be putting on band-aid but not actually fixing it or and not at the beginning.
Speaker 3:I think once you've done the bulk of the processing, a little distraction here and there is fine. But I think while you're in the bulk of the processing, what you don't want is you put that band-aid on it and then you get into this new relationship. That band-aid rips off, the wound is still open and then you don't give that relationship a fair shot because you haven't healed properly, you haven't processed. Just don't do what other people think you should do. Do what you feel you should do. And dating isn't like a contract where you're stuck. If you start dating and then you're like I'm done with this, come off the apps and be done with it. You can jump in and out if and when you want to like. It's under your control, it's your process. That's really nice that's very liberating.
Speaker 2:Honestly, I feel like the weight is lifted off my shoulder because I think I really let people's opinions get to me when it's not my problem no, and also it's hard not to, though, if you have lots of people saying it to you, and they might not even be saying it in a nasty way, it's just like a general question.
Speaker 2:But it does eat at your like. It eats at you and then you find yourself like for me I'd find myself, which is so embarrassing thinking about it now I would like make up stuff, because I was like embarrassed to say never have anything to say which is so weird. I would never lie normally, but because I got so embarrassed of never having that and people being like why or looking like, not even if they said why like like?
Speaker 1:you just feel, I just go, yeah, that's my boyfriend, I'm good it's true though you do, you feel under so much pressure.
Speaker 3:I even got it like when me and my partner got engaged. So when are and my partner got engaged, so when are you going to get married then? And will you have a baby straight away? Or like, will you do this? And I was like freaking hell, I've literally just got engaged. Like two days ago they just give me a minute Like I was just, and me and my partner said, like we're just doing it on our own time, like we don't have to.
Speaker 3:but it is every stage of a relationship, date in single life, there's like the like the the ceiling the thing to do, and it's like just give everyone a minute, like just let them do their own, so you tell me it doesn't get better, even if you have a fiance honestly like now, I'm quite good at just being like whatever, like how do you like not?
Speaker 3:like do you help? I say, like, build your armor, know who you need to wear your armor for? Like there's certain people you don't need to wear your armor for, like my best friend, my fiance, my nan they're three that I'm like I never, ever, ever need to wear my arm. My mom I never need to wear my armour with those four people. Like anything I say to them, they don't come back at me with like pressure or more questions or big opinions, unless I ask for it, so I don't really need to wear my armour with them.
Speaker 3:There's other people I do, and not because they're not great people, but just because their style of communication is to like throw it back at me or project, and they don't mean it. They're wonderful people, but it's just who they are, and so for me it's like I don't want to change them and I shouldn't have to change either. So that can be really helpful just to imagine it and be like, yeah, anything they say is a reflection on what they deem acceptable or not, their standards for themselves. It actually has nothing to do with me. It's still allowed to hurt or feel uncomfortable, but it, like I say, it doesn't mean you need to put it in your emotional rucksack and carry it with you what's the biggest mistake people make in a breakup?
Speaker 3:oh, it's such a good question. Beating themselves up too much, like putting too much pressure on themselves for someone else's actions, not going no contact or going no contact with the view this person's coming back. So, yeah, definitely no social media in terms of checking. Reward yourself if you don't check. So set yourself a goal of like, say, some people are checking like a lot a day. So if you're there at the moment, like, just try and do like a day and then reward yourself and have like a list of rewards. That might be shopping, that might be booking a trip somewhere, that might be whatever it might be.
Speaker 3:I also think, with social media, be asking yourself what you're looking for. Like why are you checking? Are you trying to hurt yourself? Are you trying to see if they've moved on? Like Like, what are you doing it for? Because it's all very well and good to just try not to check, but unless you're getting to the root of why this obsession is happening, you're going to keep doing it.
Speaker 3:And I think the last one I will say that maybe not everyone agrees with, but I think it's really agrees with, but I think is really, really important is it's more than okay to focus on the bad, like it doesn't mean you're villainizing them, but you're focusing on the facts, and I think a lot of people are worried of how they look. Like, oh, do I seem like I'm being mean or do I seem like I'm doing this? Stop worrying about what you seem to be doing or not doing. Like, just do it. Focus on the facts and know that you're going to get to the end. It's not if, it's a when, and don't be afraid to be selfish. Like putting yourself first isn't selfish. You need your friends more. Tell them if you need a break. Tell them if you need to get away. Do it like, just trust yourself and, yeah, don't put yourself under pressure and you'll be good, you'll get through it oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, of course, honestly, like amazing advice oh, I'm so glad it's been such an honor.
Speaker 1:I feel like I've learned so much about myself through just by having you here today. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 3:Oh, thank you for having me I really hope it helps and I hope everyone just takes like a minute just to be a bit kinder to themselves and like I think we often give a ton of empathy to other people but we, like our own internal voice can be brutal. So just like remembering like how am I talking to myself right now, like is this a healing voice or is this a voice that's like mean, yeah, just be super kind to yourself and everyone will get through it.
