The Break-Up Diet

How to bring up the DREADED "What are we?" convo

• Yasmin Misner and Ilma Shahrene • Season 1 • Episode 18

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This episode delves into the intricacies of dating labels and their impact on modern relationships. We explore the confusion surrounding terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” and “exclusive,” discussing societal pressures and personal expectations that shape how we define our connections.

• Exploring the importance of clarity and security in relationships 
• Discussing the meaning of “exclusive” and its emotional implications 
• Sharing personal experiences with navigating relationship labels 
• Addressing the pressure that labels can create in dating 
• Examining societal influences on the need for relationship definitions 
• Learning strategies for discussing labels and expectations 
• Reflecting on the emotional toll of ambiguous relationships 
• Highlighting the significance of communication in dating dynamics

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Ilmz:

How's it going? How are you, Yaz? I'm good, how are you Good, but I've just had my head wandering around the idea of dating again, right?

Yaz:

I think you need to get on it.

Ilmz:

Um, no, but how does it work now in terms of your dating?

Yaz:

What do you mean? How does it work? You meet somebody, ilma, and then you go on a few dates with them.

Ilmz:

That's how you date okay, after the date you meet someone nice. What happens next? How do we deal with the conversation of what are we?

Yaz:

buckle up, bitches, it's gonna get bumpy. This is the breakup diet um labels.

Ilmz:

That's what I'm scared of.

Yaz:

Maybe not the dating part labels you want to know how to get out of like a situationship and get a girlfriend label. Is that what you're asking me? How do we?

Ilmz:

navigate and understand what the boundaries are. I get that when you're dating you're not immediately girlfriend and boyfriend, but then at the same time you kind of want to be. I would want them to be loyal yeah, I get you.

Yaz:

So what? What are labels like? What do you think labels are?

Ilmz:

okay. So the labels that I can think of this is based on, like love island, genuinely boyfriend, girlfriend, exclusive I hate that term exclusive.

Yaz:

I don't understand exclusive. I hate it so much. It's like you're dating or you're not. What's exclusive? What is exclusive like, just say, boyfriend, girlfriend, yeah, but what is exclusive?

Ilmz:

okay. So when I was seeing my ex and he asked for us to be exclusive, I asked him the exact same question and he said, oh, it's when we don't see other people. That makes no sense. So I'm just like, oh, why don't you just make me a girlfriend?

Yaz:

yeah. So what can they do if you're exclusive, if you cheat, it's uh okay, because you're exclusive, not boyfriend, girlfriend is that what it is oh my god, do you think that's what it is? What else is it?

Ilmz:

pigs. So basically, they want access to me and access to you, you, you.

Yaz:

Everyone. Yeah, they want their cake and eat it too. Is that the right saying their cake and eat it too?

Ilmz:

Yes, we should know. The cake is our third co-host. I know they can't have our cake.

Yaz:

We have the cake, the cake's ours.

Ilmz:

So what does that mean?

Yaz:

So, you can't, well, you tell me.

Ilmz:

You've been in it, I haven't been in it, it's just a hellhole of more blurred lines.

Yaz:

If anything, I probably was way more confused than I was without the label. Yeah, so what? You were seeing each other for like a few weeks and then he was like, let's become exclusive. Yeah did he like ask you, like he was asking you out, or how did he ask you?

Ilmz:

oh my god. No, he didn't even ask me. He would just tell people in front of me that we're exclusive.

Yaz:

I think exclusive means for the man. I think it means they can get with somebody else, but you can't.

Ilmz:

Pigs, I can't cope with it.

Yaz:

What else are the other labels? So there's exclusive exclusive, there's boyfriend, girlfriend, there's single, there's desperate I put my hand up for that so what do you think a label does? Does it just make you more confused or less confused?

Ilmz:

I think I would be less confused if it was the traditional label of girlfriend, boyfriend or engaged or marriage, basically the labels our parents had growing up.

Yaz:

Yeah.

Ilmz:

Why has it gotten so much more complicated?

Yaz:

Yeah, I don't know, I can't tell you, just choose.

Ilmz:

Just pick me, choose me, love me Pick. Just pick me.

Yaz:

I don't know what I think. I've only been single, or a girlfriend.

Ilmz:

That's so nice. Have you ever been in a situationship?

Yaz:

Yeah, I've been in loads of situationships, so I guess, but they weren't even exclusive. They weren't said that. So none of them. I mean I was, but they probably weren't even exclusive. They weren't said that, so so none of them.

Ilmz:

I mean I was, but they probably weren't so none of them asked you what your vibe is. What are you feeling?

Yaz:

I didn't get to that stage, oh, oh, I would have been like in love.

Ilmz:

No joking now that you're obviously in a relationship, you've got the label of a girlfriend. He, he's got the label of a boyfriend. Does it make you feel more secure and stable?

Yaz:

Yeah, for sure, because I feel like when you don't have a label on your relationship, you don't know how to act, you don't know what the boundaries are, you don't know where their head is. As much, although it's so simple just having that word it does make you feel more at ease.

Ilmz:

There's so much weight to that one word alone. It's crazy, isn't it?

Yaz:

Yeah, but do you think that having a label then puts more pressure on your situationship? So you stop just enjoying each other's company and stuff and then you become more stressed out on because they're a boyfriend? They should do this.

Ilmz:

Yeah, that's actually true, because if you're a boyfriend, girlfriend, you should be technically celebrating Valentine's Day and Christmas presents and just all these expenditure, and then, when you've got, I don't know, a holiday with your friends and they're bringing all their couples, you know you've got that pressure to bring your boyfriend or there's a lot.

Yaz:

I think a label is like good most of the time, but sometimes I think it can put stress on your own relationship. For me I feel like it did, because I expected more oh my gosh.

Ilmz:

So what? What more did you want from? Because, obviously, at the start, it's nice, you like their company, it's nice hanging out with them. What was the more for you personally?

Yaz:

you wanted to do the most. You hear all the like good things, you and the movies and you want them to do that yeah, that's like flowers all the time, picking you up from the train station, I don't know, going out for dinner, going on holidays, it's like a lot. So you feel their job should be serving you. No joking.

Ilmz:

But I get what you mean. You want their presence a bit more.

Yaz:

Yeah, even though it shouldn't really change from what it was before.

Ilmz:

really, but you just want to feel more closer and more connected.

Yaz:

Yeah, I think that's quite normal no, yeah, I think it's normal, but I think it's also bad.

Ilmz:

Because of the pressure it adds.

Yaz:

So that's probably why people don't want to go into being like in a label, because they don't want that extra pressure that I think women put on men. Oh, this is so unfair. But then do you think men do the same thing but for different reasons? Like, do you think that now they're you're the girlfriend, you have to cook for them, you have to clean for them?

Ilmz:

oh my god, this story's gonna piss me off. Yes, so when I got the title of um wife, the expectations were suddenly that I clean up after him, ew, and wash the dishes and stuff and boys are so gross the excuse was.

Ilmz:

His reasoning was oh, but you know I'm the provider and you're working from home anyway. Why don't you provide me a cleaner like I'm not a cleaner, I'm your wife. It it honestly, the pressure as a wife was the hardest. Because they want I don't know if we can say this word they want a whore, they want a cleaner, they want like a therapist.

Yaz:

All in one and that your problems also. I guess your problems weren't, as you know, at the forefront.

Ilmz:

It's all about him yeah, and naturally, as a woman, we're such nurturers we want. We always tend to just take care of everyone around us. Yeah, and naturally I like took that role on on top of my day job and then modeling and then influencing, and then to be a horror therapist and a cleaner at once oh.

Yaz:

God, you had so many labels.

Ilmz:

Yeah, take them away from me. So actually we don't want labels, not if they're that if the expectations are so much behind a label, I think maybe no, I don't want it but would you not be more confused then?

Yaz:

you know, imagine you didn't have that label. Would you not be there like wondering, why am I doing all this sort of stuff? Because you would still do a lot of the stuff, let's be honest, but you wouldn't even have a label of it, so you'd just be doing the stuff for nothing I completely get you.

Ilmz:

And then you have that confusion of whether he's being loyal or if it's the right thing to stop seeing other people on my end as well, so what are some of the good things?

Yaz:

let's do some of the pros and cons of a label.

Ilmz:

Good things. Personally for me, I love that it kind of acted as a I guess a vow to be loyal to each other. It kind of is Security basically. Definitely. The security is actually so worth it. And then you can kind of introduce them proudly to people say, oh, like he's mine, we're just each other's.

Yaz:

We're only seeing each other.

Ilmz:

He's my boyfriend, it is exciting to have that.

Yaz:

Yeah, so I'm gonna ask you something.

Ilmz:

Is that just for other people then? Yeah, yeah, it is nice to be like oh, sorry guys, I'm out of the trenches, I got a man bye, yeah, good luck on the streets.

Yaz:

To be dead is rough, it's rough you're telling me it is rough.

Ilmz:

I was on the streets. You're telling me like a rat. No, generally I'm like the flea on the rat well, it's another pro.

Yaz:

Another pro would be like that you can plan stuff more because you're more secure. So you're not. You know you're more secure, so you can be like let's go here together. I want this when I'm older because you feel more comfortable yeah, you can plan your future properly. Yeah, whereas like if it's someone that you don't know how long they're going to be around, you really want to invest a time and energy in them and plan, you know, because they're like, well, you might not be here tomorrow I can't lie.

Ilmz:

From experience, it's the guys without the labels that want the most out of me. No, genuinely, they go oh, but what about babies? You don't want babies and I'm like oh, but you haven't asked me to be your girlfriend, let alone a ring. I'm not having a kid before marriage. What the hell is that about?

Yaz:

What is that about?

Ilmz:

I've never heard that, you never told me that, and they would say it in such endearing way, being like oh, I'd love to have kids with you.

Yaz:

I think you know what I think.

Ilmz:

That is Love them, it's a power trip.

Yaz:

They want you to want it, but they don't want it so that they can take it away.

Ilmz:

Oh, it's all just games.

Yaz:

I'm sick of it. Yeah, another pro means that you're not as confused and that way you can, you know, be more settled in yourself and you can, you know, be happier.

Ilmz:

okay now, what are the cons? Oh well, cons. Personally, I feel, if the expectations too much, it's kind of hard to avoid it, because, at the end of the day, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, yeah, there are duties behind each of those labels. And if you can't, if you're not up for it.

Yaz:

It's hard, yeah, it's hard. Also, if you rush into a label, somebody should not be ready for it though, too. So say you. Suddenly you start dating someone and you're like bang, we're boyfriend, girlfriend. And they're like still about the streets, you know they're still, they're still sniffing around like the rat. They are yeah, then they're gonna cheat on you, and because you have that expectation that they're not meant to be loyal to you, you get way more hurt.

Ilmz:

That's a bad thing about a label that is. I never thought about it that way.

Yaz:

Have you never been in a relationship where you've like jumped into being something more and then it backfired?

Ilmz:

No, nothing quick. It was more. Just the guy would speak on behalf of me. For what the label is, I'd roll with it and then I'd just find something horrific. Nothing to do with the labels, just either they were married, they were cheating, all that so they already had prior labels. Yeah, they wanted to add more.

Yaz:

They wanted more cleaners, I guess how long do you think you should wait until you bring up a label?

Ilmz:

chat I would say, at least in the first two months though first two months so maybe in the first month if you're seeing each other that regularly, okay and how would you do it?

Yaz:

have you ever done it?

Ilmz:

I've never done it. Like I said, the stupid men around me speak on behalf of me but do you not think that's just making them get first in?

Yaz:

you know, this is what we are bang yeah, so maybe you need to get first in I think so too. That's if I even get in you will, you will get in, you will get in what's another con personally for you, because you're the one with like an actual label this isn't for me because I don't find this yet. Yeah, but maybe down the line we will. I think sometimes, when you put a label on a relationship, you can become quite complacent and lazy.

Ilmz:

The spice goes away.

Yaz:

Yeah. So like you can be like oh, they're my girlfriend, so I don't need to put in that extra effort. Or oh, they're my boyfriend, so like I know they're going to be there for me, no matter what. So like I know they're going to be there for me, no matter what. So like man, don't need to go out for dinner.

Ilmz:

Yeah, don't need to organize Valentine's day, yeah.

Yaz:

So sometimes I think it can make your relationship a bit dull, Whereas, like if it's in this toxic of you don't know where you are. It is kind of fun. It's horrible, but the highs are really low, high and the lows are really low. Oh, just depends on what you guys want really pick your poison yeah, I completely get where you're coming from. The complacency does kill the relationship do you think that labels kill a relationship?

Ilmz:

that's just good and bad in each of the situation, isn't it? Because obviously I see you, you've got the boyfriend girlfriend label and you guys are great. And then I see other people without the label. They're also doing so well, navigating their relationship by themselves in their own way do you think that they would want the label if they could have it? Honestly that would. We've got to get them on the pod. But it's more just the societal pressure. Do you not think that there's a societal pressure to have a label now?

Yaz:

no, I think there's less. Do you think? Yeah, because think about how many people that they don't have a label now, whereas I feel like with our parents, they would have had a label straight away. You're seeing someone, you go on three, four dates. They're your boyfriend, you know whereas I feel like that isn't like that anymore. I know so many girls that are like perfect girls today, that don't have boyfriends and they see guys for ages and ages do you think women need labels more than men?

Yaz:

I think men need them too. I think they just don't want to admit it. What do you think?

Ilmz:

100. Men are such little pussies when it comes to that. They want the whole cake thing. It's like my ex said previously men just want to be free free to do what.

Yaz:

Okay. Yeah, I get like when you're young you want to go out and meet people, whatever. But if you have a really good relationship, really good time with somebody, why are you always looking for something else?

Ilmz:

they want to be free, to be able to go to glasto and for me to be okay with it every year.

Yaz:

Okay, well, he can go to Glaston and you can still be in a relationship if he's loyal.

Ilmz:

Yeah, apparently that's where the lines get blurred.

Yaz:

Why do you think everyone's so obsessed with having a label now, so say, you start dating somebody tomorrow. You're seeing them. Is that what you would be thinking is the next step?

Ilmz:

Naturally yes, because if hit hit it off with them instantly and I can kind of see in the immediate short term that, oh my gosh, I think I might be seeing him quite regularly this month, naturally I would think to myself is this gonna go somewhere? Will we need to have a conversation about what are we? Where's this going? What do you want? You know it's.

Yaz:

It always plays in the back of your mind, I think, when you're dating like do you think men actually think that or do you think they just think? Like do you think they think no, men don't think, but I just think they go with the flow, you know, and then if they really like somebody, they'll be like I want to be my girlfriend. They're like yeah, I've been thinking about this the last seven months.

Ilmz:

Do you think?

Yaz:

I mean, that is probably my experience. Oh, you know what I mean. I didn't become boyfriend, girlfriend for like six months.

Yaz:

So walk us through that, walk us through the history of all the labels that you and your current partner's gone through so basically we met and we saw each other a lot, but then he ended up moving away from london and then we were just seeing each other all the time and hanging out. And then six months went by and I was traveling up to go see him. We're trying to see each other all the time, we're seeing each other loads and loads. And in my head I remember thinking like what are we doing and am going to keep investing so much time if we're not going to be something? And also, because I hadn't had a boyfriend before, I remember having the feeling of like, oh my God, like maybe it's just going to be another fail. You know what I mean.

Yaz:

And I knew it was different because I actually really liked him. So I was like I feel like a label. You're not too fussed, you know, you just like like them, but you're not like really like them. Then it's OK, whereas like this one, I was like if it fails, I'm going to feel bad, like the breakup, which isn't a real breakup, but if we had a breakup, then I would be crushed, you know, because it was like you almost had it but you didn't.

Ilmz:

That's hard. What would the breakup diet be for that situation?

Yaz:

That, honestly, I think would be more of a breakup crying and breakup self-critical moment than even if you just get dumped.

Ilmz:

Yeah.

Yaz:

I think that would hurt me more because you don't have it.

Ilmz:

And you feel like you can't articulate how sad you are about it yeah, because also you feel like it's not worthy.

Yaz:

Yeah, it's not worth your time getting that sad because he didn't mean that much to you, because it's not a real boyfriend did you ever go through the exclusive label with him?

Yaz:

no, no, no, no, no. But to be honest, I kind of felt like maybe he didn't feel like this, but I felt like from the moment we met we were kind of boyfriend, girlfriend, because of the way that I was being treated and like how much we were seeing each other. But then not having the label did confuse me and make me upset and like I know he probably doesn't know this, but like when I would go back, say from seeing him, I would be thinking like why?

Ilmz:

and sometimes cry that is hard because you're, like, obviously traveling a lot. You're just thinking is all of this worth it?

Yaz:

yeah, and then you're like, imagine you just find somebody else or is like, see ya, and you've spent all that time, and then you don't know, and I didn't want to bring it up, it it's awkward. It's awkward to be like, say, what are we? Now I don't know why I'm doing so many weird voices, but what are we? Like you know also to have to ask somebody like am I your girlfriend? Do you see me as this? It's so awkward.

Ilmz:

Have you spoken to him about it in terms of his perspective as a man and his journey with the labels in your relationship?

Yaz:

It actually came off at a at the pub the other week. I said we didn't start dating until like six months. Everyone's like that's such a red flag. I was like thinking yeah it is if I heard that, I would think so too, but we're still together yeah, for sure so has he did.

Ilmz:

The lack of label in those six months confused him too.

Yaz:

I don't think it did, but I have to ask him.

Ilmz:

Maybe I'll ask him Get on the pod.

Yaz:

He's not talking about any of his ex breakups Hell no, you went on a trip and I'm taking you down memory lane.

Ilmz:

Oh my God, oh no.

Yaz:

You went on a trip to somebody's home and you didn't know where you stood. But how did you leave? That's the thing.

Ilmz:

After spending five days together, so intimately, and just five days together, you would think it would lead up to a conversation, but it didn't.

Yaz:

But I thought he just introduced you to his whole family as your girlfriend.

Ilmz:

Wait, are you talking about Manchester or Miami? Manchester?

Yaz:

Sorry, sorry, we're getting confused on which one.

Ilmz:

I'm talking about Manchester Whoa, that Manchester trip last year where I just met his family in one hit.

Yaz:

Was that confusing not having a label with this guy before you went on the trip and then meeting someone's whole family like what do you say? Hi, I really like to sleep with your son.

Ilmz:

Here's some wine it's confusing because I just straight out of the divorce. I'm here wondering oh, is this the norm now? Do we just meet people's parents without the label? I honestly, I blame it on my divorce, blame it on being out of the market for so long.

Yaz:

I just it did confuse me but it didn't give me the courage to ask him what we were so did you just kind of assume, oh, because I'm meeting the family, we must be something, or were you like let's go?

Ilmz:

for me, it was you know what I love a challenge single for the first time in six years.

Yaz:

Let's see what this is about so, emma, what are you doing in our family house? Why are you here? What are you doing with my son? Is he just an item to you? What do you do if they ask you that?

Ilmz:

I'd say he's a discounted item from Ann Summers.

Yaz:

yes, Just kidding. He was left on the shelf and I thought I have to pick him up.

Ilmz:

Not even on the shelf. He was in the two pound bin. Really like him.

Yaz:

Why do you like him? I can't wait to be a parent.

Ilmz:

I'm gonna, so I'm gonna be like grill the shit out of.

Yaz:

What are you doing here? What's?

Ilmz:

your intention.

Yaz:

Yeah, do you think that's the correct way to treat my daughter? Hmm, why did you break up with your last girlfriend? Hmm?

Ilmz:

I don't know how to be faithful, all right.

Yaz:

Hmm, you know what? I don't know why you're in my house.

Ilmz:

Yeah, literally Push him out Anyway so I'm asking you the question yeah, no, seriously, push about anyway. So I'm asking you the question yeah, no, seriously. I think I would still not say a label, I would just say, look, I really like your son, he's a lovely guy and we're hanging out and I just went through a traumatic event.

Yaz:

I just went through a divorce. Be kind, I'm not ready so you can say that now, but soon you're not gonna be able to say that, dude I can't say it now.

Ilmz:

It's been two years, it's too long?

Yaz:

no, two years. You could still probably get away with saying it.

Ilmz:

Do you think, okay, perfect. I might still use that and say, look, the reason I'm single is I've just gone through a lot, but I don't know if I would be telling your new parents that you're divorced. Oh, that's crazy, Because my ex was literally like oh, mom and dad, she's divorced, and mom and dad, she's divorced and I think I'm her rebound, what?

Yaz:

yeah, and I'm just sat there like is that some sort of social experiment? Sorry, but what the hell?

Ilmz:

I just get thrown in them.

Yaz:

I don't know how that is weird well, I haven't been thrown into any recent social experiments we had another story that I didn't even realize was a label. You didn't make the label which one? Miami, whoa miami so, babe, you weren't even in the labels. You tried but didn't get there. Sorry, that's a bit harsh but didn't get there.

Ilmz:

I just didn't know what to do.

Yaz:

I didn't know what the expectation was it's awkward if you don't have a label and you go and you spend time with somebody because you don't know. Should I use your washing machine, or is that a bit weird?

Ilmz:

no, genuinely, I did tiptoe around the washing machine thing seriously, I don't know why. That felt way more intimate than other stuff and just like passing him like my dirty underwear, like did you do that?

Yaz:

yes, you didn't wash them in like the sink or something. Yeah, well, if I was staying with a guy.

Ilmz:

Sorry, what sink there's? The kitchen sink and the bathroom sink. I'm not washing like the bathroom sink.

Yaz:

Sorry, but like if you're seeing a guy for five days that you weren't anything with, there's no way I'm getting my underwear and being like here's my crusty underwear. Go put it in your washing machine. That's disgusting. I'd be secretly doing it in the sink and then, like I don't know, hanging it up on the towel rack.

Ilmz:

But then he'd be like why are there wet undies in my?

Yaz:

bathroom. Okay, or you just need to buy more underwear and then, just you know, put your dirty ones somewhere else and then put your clean, just clean underwear.

Ilmz:

Loads of it, so much I know, I know, but why didn't?

Yaz:

you do that? I would never. That is, you're trying to make him you're. It's like when you trauma bond somebody.

Ilmz:

You're trauma bonding him into being your boyfriend by giving him your crusty underwear, like this random girl from London flew into my city passing me a dirty underwear only for five days and I just fuck off haven't spoken since that's why that's the real reason he's

Ilmz:

like girl, you need to sort your shit out like the ph balance in there, girl, what's happening? Yeah, oh, gilma I know, I know, but I've been like kind of sheltered since no one's seen my crusty musties. So if it was like you and I, if I was at your, if we started dating no, what are we?

Ilmz:

no, as I'm like no, we are actually in a business partnership contract. No say at, like saint tropez. Um, if I was to say yours again and I needed the washing machine, surely I'd be like hey, yeah, hey, would you not grab them off me and put into the washing machine?

Yaz:

it's a polite thing to do. I wouldn't grab them off of you. If I saw your crusty musties, I would just let you put them in. I'd be like thanks, um, I'll show you the washing machine and let you do your bits, sort yourself out fair. So I think just reading boundaries yeah should have added a label there label what to do when girl comes with that label?

Ilmz:

do I give him my undies, do I not?

Yaz:

with um so say, okay, so you never entered a label with this guy, do you now? Did you now find it easier to just like get over him and let him go and, you know, have a breakup as such, because he wasn't, you know, an official label no, if anything, it just made me think about him way more.

Ilmz:

I'm sorry, I don't know what.

Yaz:

I'm laughing it's because you're still I just enlightened you to the situation that the reason he didn't want you as a label is because you gave him your dirty underwear. That's why it's just one of the phases of the breakup diet.

Ilmz:

It's called acceptance genuinely no, but I think because there was no label, I just thought about him way more and I would think about oh, like, what could I've done for us to like?

Yaz:

yeah, how am I going to get back in there? I think with a breakup it's actually easier. If you do have a label, it's not easier, like it's obviously still really hard, but it's easier to wrap your head around okay, it's done, this was something. It's done, whereas, like if you don't, you feel like it's not something, so you shouldn't be sad about it. But then you feel more like hurt.

Ilmz:

You just think about it so often Like I would not. I think, genuinely, the first two months of coming back he was like on my mind, living rank free. I've gotten better now, cause I literally have to get a lobotomy to get him off my mind. Even two years ago I had this another five day summer fling. What is it with me in five days?

Yaz:

Maybe you need to like make it less days or make it more days.

Ilmz:

So you know genuinely. So I had like another five day summer fling. He was on my mind for like six months. It was so strange and I tell my best friend because I met him through my best friend Like look like I think I'm in love with this fella and my best friend's like you're not, you're just single.

Yaz:

For the first time in ages you romanticize it also because if you're going away or you're seeing someone and you're traveling, you're like out of your territory. So then you know, you romanticize like the movie, it's like the holiday yeah.

Ilmz:

So like that summer fling, I was the one hosting all my friends and I met him through there and he'd end up staying at ours. And because he was in my world, it made me romanticize him more because, oh, I can see how he fits into, you know my world, yeah, and also you were doing more fun things.

Ilmz:

So then you were like, oh my god, this is so great, la, la, la, when reality showing him the magic of london, and you're just in that high and then when it's gone, you just you want that and you fantasize that so do you think the breakup of that was?

Yaz:

you're breaking up with the idea of him, and it could have actually been, in theory, anybody.

Ilmz:

It's just that he was the person that came in at that time he was the lucky man, right place, right time, and there was no exchange of crusty underwear well done, ilma wow the standards for me right now you're keeping it real.

Yaz:

Do you think it is a red flag if your partner doesn't want to define a relationship?

Ilmz:

yeah, I'd be like are you blind?

Yaz:

like I can get 10 of you right now what if he's like all right, go do it then well, I'm gone, I'm sprinting out but then you're like, please call me then I'd be like wait, why did he just accept his defeat so quickly like that?

Ilmz:

Did he not like me enough For?

Yaz:

what he calls you up and he's actually like imagine you hear from him again. Ilma, you forgot something.

Ilmz:

What did he forget, Yas?

Yaz:

What Stop? I can't stop laughing. I'm going to cry, I'm gonna cry, I'm crying Okay.

Ilmz:

No, let me answer your question.

Yaz:

I can't.

Ilmz:

Sorry, yaz has just left the building. Wait, are you checking if you've got crusties? Sorry, yas has just left the building. Wait, are you checking if you've got crusties? I think it's a hundred percent a red flag if the guy that you've been seeing, especially for a long time, does not want to put in a label, because to me it just makes me think okay, you want access to my body, you want access to everyone else's body.

Yaz:

That's how I'm gonna see it, bluntly, but yeah so you would say that my boyfriend is a red flag, your boyfriend's a red flag? Yeah, because we took six months. It's quite a long time no, no, it's not that.

Ilmz:

It's say you were to have that conversation in that six months and he said no it's still six months.

Yaz:

Think about that time frame. You probably would think he was if that never came up.

Ilmz:

Yeah, no, I think I would get a bit like you haven't had the conversation.

Yaz:

Would you then be I don't know looking elsewhere?

Ilmz:

oh, the apps never get deleted on me apps will never get deleted raya is kind of like a game too.

Yaz:

It's kind of fun. You go like click click yes, click click, yes, no, yes, no. It's kind of fun. You know it becomes a habit. One of my most frequent apps that come up you know where the suri is. I like remember I was driving somewhere and it goes on my phone and goes type in something dating app right at the top awkward.

Ilmz:

Did he say anything? Of course stop. What did he say?

Yaz:

well, he's obviously like why the hell is raya one of your frequent apps? And I'm like, haha, that's not what that means.

Ilmz:

Raya is like a food app, babe.

Yaz:

It's like another delivery we met on raya he knows it's not a food delivery app. You know, to be honest, I wasn't even like I was never talking to somebody else or anything like that for the moment. I met him, but still awkward conversation oh, you handled it well yeah, then I deleted the app, so you're not on it. Well, obviously, not now.

Ilmz:

This is like at the beginning. Yeah, my bad.

Yaz:

you know, this is before we even had a label, maybe like a month in, oh fair. You know, because you don't know where you stand. So like I wasn't deleting it, because even though I really liked him, everything I was like well, no fair.

Ilmz:

I completely respect that.

Yaz:

Give me the breakup diet for this situation, shit.

Ilmz:

Personally for me, I think I would cry the first three days because it is awkward. But you're feeling sad. It's okay to just let out that emotion. After them, it's just oh, who the fuck am I and who is he? That is the key ingredient for the breakup diet Confidence.

Yaz:

The do's I have for the breakup, diet, confidence. The dues I have for the breakup diet, so do the breakup diet for the situation. Shit would be do cry, do talk about it with your friends, but maybe not so much because they might be like, where do you care? Do tell your parents or your mom whatever, because they can listen to you a lot of my culture babes do get back out there straight out.

Yaz:

Find another situation. Shit, get fucked over again. Do go to the gym, get a body glow up, you know. Do post a thirst trap. It's petty but might make you feel good. Get some other people in there. Do self-care and do not drink the first week oh, that's mad.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Ilma Shahrene

Co-host
Head Shot

Yasmin Misner

Co-host