The Break-Up Diet

Carla Borges was in an OPEN Relationship for 3 Years and Still Got Dumped... No One's Safe!

• Yasmin Misner and Ilma Shahrene • Season 1 • Episode 20

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What happens when a monogamous relationship evolves into something more complex? Carla Borges, rising top model and dear friend, joins us to unpack her journey through the emotional landscape of open relationships and breakups. Carla's candid recount of her six-year relationship, marked by the transition from monogamy to openness, gives us a raw glimpse into her world. She opens up about how she navigated her partner's insecurities and her own path of self-discovery, including the embrace of her bisexuality. This episode offers a unique perspective on balancing personal growth with the emotional intricacies of love and loss.

Together, we tackle the nuanced dynamics of relationships, reflecting on the delicate dance between jealousy and territoriality, and how societal expectations shape our personal narratives. Our own experiences from high school relationships shed light on the challenges of polyamory and monogamy, especially during life-altering moments like university and lockdown. It's a thought-provoking conversation about the importance of setting boundaries and the fine line between connection and codependency. We share stories that illustrate how relationships can both test and nurture our personal evolution, underscoring the value of respecting ourselves and each other.

The journey doesn't end with a breakup; rather, it marks the beginning of profound self-reflection and healing. Carla and I share our experiences in processing breakups that lack definitive closure and how embracing vulnerability can lead to newfound strength. We discuss the liberation found in self-awareness and independence, and the courage required to wish for mutual growth following a breakup. This journey of personal transformation is filled with honest reflections, as we highlight the empowerment that comes from fully understanding and embracing our emotions, setting the stage for new beginnings and aspirations.

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Ilmz:

Hey everyone, welcome to the Breakup Diet. We've got an exciting new guest on the pod, Carla Borges. Show yourself. Hi, my name's Carla.

Carla:

Borges Top model. Oh, soon to be yeah.

Yaz:

So you guys know each other through modeling.

Ilmz:

Yeah, so we met at a shoot three years ago and we've just been friends ever since.

Carla:

Ever since, Ever since it clicked. It's the Scorpio Aries chemistry.

Ilmz:

Yeah, no, it's perfection, 100% of what. So you've seen me through my worst breakup. Oh, honestly, it's insane yeah, actually. Is that how?

Carla:

you bonded, it was, I think. We were already pretty good friends then. And then when you moved to Bo, that was the trenches. I think the trenches were really yeah, you were going through it first and then you threw your your divorce party and I literally it was literally a week like we broke up literally a week before your divorce party. So I was like damn, this could not come any better buckle up, bitches, it's gonna get bumpy.

Yaz:

This is the breakup diet.

Ilmz:

So half of your relationship was open, right? How was that?

Carla:

A lot of up and downs. I don't think it was ever really like that nice in general. Like there was always a like his feelings of insecurity and not really wanting to be in an open relationship with me, even though he never really said it until the end of the breakup. He was like, oh, I never wanted, I never really wanted to be in an open relationship with me, even though he never really said it until the end of the breakup. But he was like, oh, I never wanted, I never really wanted to be in an open relationship anyways, I only did it because I was afraid to lose you. I'm like well, no shit, sherlock, you could have at least told me you know. But like when? Like because it's like why would you extend this long to tell me that you never wanted to be in this type of relationship in the first place.

Ilmz:

How long were you guys open for?

Carla:

so we were. So we were together for almost six years and so we were together like close for like three and then open for the next three as well. I was the one that opened it up. So I was the one because at the time, I was going through just finding out a lot of things about myself that you know, any normal teenager is gonna go through and young adults gonna go through.

Carla:

So I found that, like I was bi and I wanted to explore that um, and then, just before he went for uni, like in 2020, because it was a lockdown, I was like do we want to open this up further?

Carla:

Because I'm not gonna we're not gonna get the opportunity to see each other as often because of lockdown, when all these like rules being set in place from the next time I'm gonna see you it's christmas, so do you want to like? I want you to have the freedom and the peace of mind that, if you do get to a point where you do see somebody and there is chemistry between two of you and you know that, like you would if I wasn't in the picture, you would do it I'd want you to have the peace of mind to like just go for it. I was like we're talking now we set up some boundaries. I had one boundary to his 10 or maybe 20, I don't even know anymore and like we kind of like moved on from there. As somebody who only had one boundary, he like almost broke that one boundary from like in the first three months of that like what was the boundary?

Carla:

my only boundary was that, as long as I'm still your emotional and romantic priority, like as long as you still see me as your future wife, mother of your kids, I don't care who you get with, especially like throughout this kind of like phase. Like you said, we like we got together so young and at that point we were like 20 and 19. So I was like, listen, let's explore, like, let's give ourselves like like the freedom to explore these things before we actually settle down at some point. Why didn't you just break up at that point? So I did do a first breakup first and I remember feeling really, really guilty the first time we broke up like I remember like crying on my bed, my best friend's bed. Like we broke up literally in a park and I went, like he went home and I went to my best friend's house and I literally like cried my eyes out like the whole whole evening you felt guilty because you were like that.

Yaz:

You had his feelings.

Carla:

Yeah, I felt really guilty because I knew I had his feelings and through our whole relationship it was always like, uh, me worrying so much about how he feels that, like I wouldn't, I would prioritize his feelings over mine. And that's always how he always went, especially throughout the whole. Like the first time that we broke up I felt like crap about myself. I was like, oh my god, he's like he must be so upset, but it's like I never really allowed myself the grace to also feel it to. Also, actually, it's a two-way street.

Carla:

You also broke up with somebody that you really like. I'd rather myself be the one that gets her over him even remotely getting a scratch on himself. I was always like so worried about him because I knew that like I was more emotionally strong, like I had the much stable core foundation of my like, of my confidence, than he did, so you broke up in the park and then you go back and then we eventually go back together, like so we then go back together because you know, young love gosh, you feel like your world is falling apart, you can't live with apart with each other.

Carla:

Just because it was like the first, like two, three years of our relationship, so we were still kind of like honeymoon phase and then we kind of go back together. We were weren't like necessarily like open, open up until like he was going off a year later he was going off to uni and then I was like, do you want to just like be open? Open just to avoid like feeling like, oh my God, I don't want to like to you or my partner kind of things, which is ironic because your partner doesn't care. I don't care, like I never cared, I gave him from the get go. I gave him from the get-go, I gave him my full trust and my full loyalty. That like, as long as you're choosing me, making me your priority, I don't care who you have sex with. To me, sex is just, can just be purely physical and like, and so I was more than okay with him like being with other people, like but the ideal woman for a man, the ideal woman for a man honestly men like slide in

Carla:

honestly, when we broke up and I was telling y'all like we have a joint friend, a friendship group, and they were like oh, like, oh, saying how, like it's really weird that, like he essentially had what every man dreams of a partner who is hot, successful and allows you to literally do whatever you want. He wanted to know if I had an interest on anybody, if I was seeing anybody, if I was talking to anybody, if I'm meeting anybody, where we're meeting, if I'm kissing, if I kissed anybody, if I had sex with anybody. Like he wanted to know all, whereas, like in my case, I was okay with him, like if you go with somebody, I was okay with not knowing. Like, if you wanted to tell me, by all means, let me know if it was good, if it was enjoyable, like if you had fun. I'm glad that you had fun, I'm like, I'm genuinely happy that you had fun.

Carla:

Would that not make you jealous? No, really, I am not, I'm not. Would that make you jealous? Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm not a jealous person. I'm territorial, because jealousy is wanting what you can't have or you don't have I'm territorial.

Carla:

Territorial is I'm marking what's mine. I know that's mine. So it's like, why wouldn't I make like, why wouldn't I mark it? But it's like if a girl came up to him it was like, oh my god, I think, like in my presence, and was like I think you're really like cute and stuff. I'd be like, oh my god, hell yeah, I appreciate my partner. He is cute. I'd kill him, no, I'd kill him.

Yaz:

That's stupid. I'd be like. I'd be like you think what say it?

Carla:

again. I dare you and I'd be like, yeah, hell, yeah, like I'm sorry. Like you know that meme with Will Smith where it's like Jada Smith standing, he's like that, yeah, that's literally me as a partner. It's like I like I always like want like around me to feel like they are just as great, like they're, like I want people to know how, like, if I'm friends with somebody or if I hold someone there, it's because I definitely think you're all that, you're that bitch or you are that guy and you're like successful and stuff, and it's like I want the rest of the world to know like I'm not, I don't gatekeep. I was so happy to show him off. He was very more, more than happy to gatekeep me, like that's.

Yaz:

That's essentially what it is. I think that's the thing with men. Do that, though. I've heard that.

Carla:

I've heard that from friends like you. They don't want freedom, the whole, like if something, like if you really love something and if it's really yours, set it free and they'll come back. Yeah, that did not apply in this case. He was like I don't want, I don't even want to give you a chance to fly back and then come back. There's not, there's not doing that. It was like you're staying in this cage that I'm building and he always knew that like I was way out of his league since high school I raised his high school status. That boy, his high school stated picked. He picked in high school.

Carla:

I would say honestly, so obviously, the first year that we started dating I was in year 12. So I was like, oh, that's a little weird. So we're not gonna be acting lovey-dovey like in school. But like his friends knew, my friends knew like who I was like dating and like when we'd be walking to like lessons together. You know how, like every year group has like the cool kind of like rowdy, like cool crowd boys. They will spot him. They'll be like hey, they like be like, we see you, we see you and I'll just be like oh boy, let me just go to my science lesson like he, when I tell you I raised his status like he, like we'd pass by like year sevens and be like, oh, that's the guy who's dating like the really cute six former.

Carla:

This man peaked like I was, like you're confident, came from me, you're like your whole, like your whole personality, me like I, I I raised you, I like nurtured this, which again, like even using words like this just make me realize just how again, how codependent we became really quickly, like and I thought like at the end of the day, I was helping him through his mommy issues, but I was just like adding I was just encouraging even more.

Yaz:

Can I ask a really dumb question? It might be really dumb. Go on what is poly.

Carla:

It's the opposite of being monogamous. So monogamy is obviously just the traditional sense that a man and a woman will get together and they'll be like in a closed-off relationship. Polyamory means that you're somebody who can have multiple partners like in being multiple relationships at the same time okay, thank you for clearing that up.

Ilmz:

Yeah, well, that's like yeah, the natural definition of it so the breakup, before you open things up, what was that like? What was that breakup?

Carla:

I feel like it was just such a like teenager like my how many days? I think we maybe lasted two or three months actually, before we actually go back together that's pretty solid. Yeah, no, that actually is pretty solid, but like it was actually just like teenagers, teenagers yeah, yeah, yeah.

Carla:

We tried really hard. Like I think it was like two months ish. What did you do in that time? Like I was too worried. I had, I had a levels to sit, I was crying between taking test papers. That first breakup was when we really started getting like super codependent.

Ilmz:

And then, yeah, we went to uni, like he went to uni so how did you navigate the rest of the open relationship, the remaining three years?

Carla:

so after kind of like lockdown was over and obviously we were, we're out outside, it was hot girl summer and all that stuff it was like I that was like the first time I started going to like being on dating apps and he's like again I tried to really hold his boundaries up. You know the whole who I had an interest with. Also like one of his boundaries was that like I was in this like as long as there's not anybody that we knew was kind of fine, which that is fair enough. That is fair, like that's honestly fair enough. And that's kind of like the only thing that I know I did wrong because I'm already very antisocial, so the only time I have to be social is with people that I play frisbee with.

Ilmz:

So you homie hopped in the open relationship no.

Carla:

I didn't homie hop I never go with any of his friends. Jesus Christ no, I got morals. Gosh no, it's really like. But that's what I'm saying. It was never any person that we knew that were directly associated within our group like a friendship group. It friendship group. It's like people that we play frisbee with. I never hid it, I never hid it away because he wanted to know who I had an interest with. I'm like, oh, it's kind of cute and oh my god, you could feel the shift the the air would get tense, it would get heavy, like you could feel it so quickly that he just get up, he would just get upset over it.

Yaz:

And I'm like you, you wanted to know which one out of the two breakups was harder for you?

Carla:

the second one it was definitely the second one. Yeah, the, I feel like because there was just so much more history built up at that point and it was like we were together for six years and people would literally joke about how like, oh, you're practically married now and you know, it's the whole like flex of like being high school sweethearts and like having found the one at the early age, definitely paid a lot into like wanting to hold on to it, like I always did feel societal pressure yeah exactly, and it was like I always felt like this is the one person arguably in the world that knows me the most.

Carla:

I didn't want to start over, I didn't want to have to like find somebody else, especially if I was still going through all those things and opening up. Opening up is really hard for me, like I struggle to to like open up. I'm very overly independent, bottle up until you explode, kind of girl. So I knew that, like wanting to find somebody, like having to find somebody else, that I would have to like tell my sub story again and where I come from and the things and the hardships that made who I am today, it was like that's too much effort. It's like, nah, no, thank you.

Yaz:

During your relationship, did you ever have doubts whether he was the one, or or what? Did you think that he was your person?

Carla:

I always thought like he was my person or that we could definitely like make it work because we are pretty compatible in terms of like personality and the hardships that we kind of like went through and stuff. A year ago, january, that's when I kind of like started thinking more about like okay, now is like really the time to think. Is the person that I'm with like what I like, and it's just I started realizing and noticing things about him and his personality and things that he was doing or not doing. That was like this is actually would be a deal breaker. There was just a lot of like times where he would trigger my trauma and like start shaming me, like in the relationship, especially after I saw like went on a date with other guys and like I didn't tell him that. Oh, you didn't tell me that like you said you've got to have sex with these people, but you did, and I'm like well, that's the whole point of like our open relationship anyway, that we have the freedom to just do it. Well, you want me to like get off a guy's like lap and be like sorry, let me just call my boyfriend real quick and ask for permission to have sex with you.

Carla:

Like that's like his boundaries were borderline, pretty controlling, but because he was my person and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable and I want to uphold his boundaries like I would still do it and I would always feel so bad whenever I'd break those boundaries because even though they're abusive, because you set them and they are your boundaries I felt like compelled that I needed to like fulfill them like I remember asking.

Carla:

I was like do you think I'm a bad person? Because we essentially broke up on the, on the status that he felt like he was being cheated on for me not telling him that I go with like that I like I saw two other guys and didn't tell him and it was really hard for me to trying to like hold my ground and be like but actually we weren't in a relationship anyway. I don't have to tell you who I see and who I don't see. Like at some point he like called me filthy, like I think you're filthy right now, from after like him from a date, and I was like like why do you think that's okay for you to like disrespect me and then expect 100% from me? In the beginning, when we actually did break up, I didn't feel like I thought I was going through the stages, but I actually wasn't going through the stages. I thought I was like really like compartmentalizing also because, like, I had a lot of things going on in my life where I had like to give focus to that.

Carla:

So so was it like career new job, a lot of work going on for modeling as well so you broke up and you weren't straight busy, basically, yeah, exactly like.

Carla:

And it wasn't until, like a friend mentioned how like my emotion had been very like, incredibly volatile that it made me realize that actually I wasn't going through the process at all. I hadn't moved on. It wasn't until, like, we were at the pub and it was, like, made a comparison, it was like the carla you a year ago and the carla you now. You are so much quicker to anger and to like explode than you were a year ago. Like we know, you're passionate, but now you're like destructive. Now you're destructive like, and that's really what made me realize that, oh my god, I wasn't going through.

Carla:

I didn't go through it like I literally just bolted it all up and it was like that's when, like the full, like process of actually going through like a breakup started to happen. I was a little bit, I was more quiet, crying more often, and like what I wanted to have like a closure conversation, because I felt like a lot of I didn't get to say a lot of things on that breakup because, again, I just I was at the push where I was like I was allowing his feelings to take priority over mine. When was the closure conversation then. So we went non-contact from September to December so broken up on september september, when no contact.

Carla:

We were supposed to meet up in december to like decide if we wanted to talk again and maybe make like steps to being friends or amicable. What?

Ilmz:

were you seeking for like with the closure?

Carla:

like I said, there were things that I really wanted to talk about, but I realized that he told me that, and regardless of whether we have this conversation or not, that it wouldn't change any any feelings that he had or any like. So he was done. So he like it seemed like, like from the conversation. It made me feel like he was like fully done, he was. He accepted the decision, he accepted that there wasn't gonna be like us anymore. After he told me that I was like you know what we don't have to have. We don't need to have that conversation anymore. Well done, don't like I'm gonna save myself the ego, but I want you to unfollow me. I want you to like not contact me ever again. Don't send me memes like we're gonna go fully non-contact, because I realized that I haven't moved on yet and if I'm gonna move on, I don't want I can't have any reminder in my life that you exist. No, like genuinely out of sight, out of sight.

Ilmz:

No, literally out of sight, out of freaking mind took you about like six months for you to be like oh, fuck this yeah, yeah, well, it was really fast.

Carla:

It was like the whole like. It was like crying and being like sad and then fully accepting that like okay, this is the end, but trying to like do one final bargaining, and then it was the full like go fuck yourself.

Yaz:

Like era where I was.

Carla:

Like you know, I'm gonna get hot, I'm gonna mind my own business, I'm gonna focus on the things that I want to focus on and I'm just gonna like go back to the person that I was before I even met you, because, at the end of the day, a part of that girl has been lost because she kept fucking making space for your feelings on her life. I think that's what made me even more angry was when I realized that, like you may blame me for like how the relationship ended and saying how, like, I'm a bad person, but it's like, at the end of the day, I was 17, and then I was 18, and then I was 19, I was 20, I was 21, I was 32 and not at any point was I given the grace to be those ages. Oh, I hate crying in front of cameras. That's disgusting and it was very much like I was a child that needed to be protected just as much as you needed to be protected like, and it always felt like it was on my shoulder to always be the adult, to always be like.

Carla:

Okay, this is how we're gonna move on from this, but it's like I was a child too. I deserve the grace of like making mistakes like a 17 year old, would on like my old journals, like the person writing those journals always felt so guilty and always felt like I couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable because it would like give it, would show a message that this person that's like oh it's shit together, super smart, knows how to answer every problem in life, like, actually it's not that person kind of thing. So the girl that was writing those things is a very different girl from the girl who's like sat here right now and obviously I don't know the story that he told his parents.

Carla:

His older brother actually hates me, like he never really liked me from when he first met me sorry, so I don't know the story that you told your parents, that you you told your brother, that you told Dude men always exaggerate the breakup.

Ilmz:

They make the woman sound like the worst fucking person.

Carla:

Yeah the friends that you know we used to have together, like you can keep them because you all think the same thing. It's like I've grown and I've always been the grown up among us, I've always been the oldest, anyways, in our friendship group, and it's like, whatever you decide to tell those people, I really, I really don't care. Did you lose your friends and your all those friends? No, I did like, if anything those friends, I cut them off. It's like I cut off people the moment they disrespect me. I'm like bye, bye, you can take it, but obviously they're still all like, we will still like community.

Carla:

Yeah, exactly so obviously, and we all do play the same freaking sport, so they, like I was like you know you can keep the friends. It was never like I never. I was never upset about like thinking, oh, like is it gonna be awkward if you hang out?

Carla:

because I actually at that point I was already cutting off people individually in, regardless of him and I know, and I know that I'm never gonna hold whatever opinion those people have of me, because they were never in a relationship with you for six years, all the like he has always been known for like being really good friends with girls and it's true you've always been pretty good friends, like he's always been respectful.

Carla:

But, like those friends don't know the the amounts of like slut shaming that you did to me. They don't know all the things that you've said to me that were very like hurtful. They don't know that side of you, like the person that I know you were to me like and I know you never would do that to any of your female friends, but you've done it to me like I don't know you never would do that to any of your female friends, but you've done it to me on your like, your girlfriend, your significant other. You would like, literally like the moment like people would say something about me that you think it was maybe true. You will literally condemn me like condemn me on the spot and just like be really disrespectful and really like also trigger my trauma in the process and and like once I like really started to deepen those things. That's when I was really like I hate you. I do hate you okay.

Ilmz:

So I feel like your breakup.

Carla:

You've been through every single emotion in the cycle like the anger I feel like I also went twice through them like it wasn't just it was multiple cycles up until I was like okay, okay, I accept this.

Ilmz:

So, with everything that you've been through, what would be like your best advice?

Yaz:

Like one thing you did, maybe like did you journal Did you run?

Carla:

I think the biggest thing that I've been that helped me, like, go back to who I was, is that I understood what my flaw was, that was keeping me from moving on anyways, and I knew that, like that was me unable to kind of like process my emotion and compartmentalizing a lot. And it's something that I'm trying to do even more, which is I feel my emotions as they come, which was, I think, the biggest thing for me because, like I said, I thought I was going through them but actually I was literally having big outbursts of anger and realizing that actually you actually haven't gone through it and I think a lot of people feel like they have to move on or bounce back so quickly, and it's like that's you need to. You need to sit down with yourself. And I remember I feel like I remember telling you this in bow, where you literally just need to sit with yourself and feel it. I cried it out and I realized just like how much of the person I want to become I already am.

Carla:

I remember sitting on the floor and just being like, oh my god, I never want to be like a bitter person or resentment person or someone who, like, is so quick to anger someone who like doesn't feel like they can be themselves, kind of thing, and I just like realized, like all the amazing things that I have, the the traits that I am, and then, at the end, the feelings that are gonna be left with me are just feelings of peace.

Carla:

You're still a good person at the end of it and you do deserve to like go get the shit that you want, like allow yourself to like feel it out, like, oh my god, I feel like helpless, I feel horrible. And then, once you cry all of those out, you will feel like such a sense of peace because everything is just like let out, like there's nothing bottled up anymore. You just kind of like become a empty vessel who's actually ready to be filled in with the things that you want to fill it in with. And that's like how I kind of like went back to being the bad bitch I am that's.

Carla:

Carla, In general, like when people break up, there's typically a clear, a clear reason. Like someone did something, someone cheated, someone got upset, someone got hurt. That's why we broke up. But, like because our situation was so murky and it wasn't necessarily things that were like it wasn't black and white.

Carla:

Like that's to say like it wasn't and why it was so gray in so many areas. I think that's what it makes it harder to move on, because it's like if one of us had like cheated and be like you're a horrible person, we move on like if you had cheated, or if you had like done something, even like concrete, then I could be like, yeah, fuck yourself. And I probably wouldn't have gone through that for some odd reason. On the future, if we end up like crossing paths again, I know that I would hate to still be the same person I am today in about five years, and I knew that I never wanted that.

Carla:

I wanted to like, if we met and we sat down in a coffee shop, I want him to be a different person. If anything, I don't even wish I don't wish him any ill or anything at all. I literally like the last message to him was that I hope you can become somebody you are proud to say you are, because that's always what I wanted for you and that's always because that's always what I wanted for you and that's always because that's always what I wanted for myself. So I was like I hope that that's like in five years, if we ever cross paths. I hope me and you are two different people Like I just hope we actually did the growth that this needed, cause I would feel really bad if, like in five years, I was like successful CEO when you're still the same bomb.

Yaz:

I'd be like oh, thank you so much for coming on today.

Ilmz:

I feel like you were so vulnerable, so raw about the breakup diet, the fucking raw diet, basically with you. Seriously, it means the world that you opened up this much yeah, thank you so much. That's really brave, no worries yeah, we love you so much. You've always been the superstar the entire time I've known you to be seriously so grind here always honestly it's.

Carla:

It's such a weight off your chest actually, and I didn't realize how much that relationship was actually a big weight on me. Like the moment we broke up, I just felt like and it's one thing that I didn't want to accept it was like there was a weight off my child like my, my, my mental health. You know it was. It was lighter.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Ilma Shahrene

Co-host
Head Shot

Yasmin Misner

Co-host
Head Shot

Carla Borges

Guest