The Break-Up Diet

Divorce Isn’t Failure. It’s Your Reset Button with Arabella Paul.

• Yasmin Misner and Ilma Shahrene • Season 1 • Episode 50

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Think divorce = failure? Think again. 💔➡️✨ 

In this episode, we sit down with Divorce Survival Coach Arabella Paul, who proves that the end of a marriage isn’t the end of you—it’s the ultimate reset button.

Arabella knows this journey firsthand. After her own divorce in 2020, she ditched the shame spiral and turned her pain into purpose, helping women just like you navigate the messy, emotional rollercoaster of separation. Forget overpaying your solicitor to listen to your feelings—Arabella’s here with actual tools that work.

We get into:
💌 Journaling hacks to stop those 3AM thought spirals.
🖐 Stress-calming tricks (like tapping and PQ reps) you can do literally anywhere—even mid-mediation.
💔 How to tear down the “Great Wall of China” around your heart and start trusting again.
🔥 Why divorce isn’t baggage—it’s proof of your strength.

Whether you’re in the raw “can’t-get-out-of-bed” stage, months into rebuilding, or just curious about how women rise from heartbreak, this convo is your permission slip to reset, recharge, and glow the hell up.

So grab your headphones, pour the wine (or the herbal tea, no judgment), and let Arabella remind you: divorce doesn’t define you. It frees you. 🚀

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Email: thebreakupdietpodcast@gmail.com

Arabella:

Welcome to another episode of the Breakup Diet. This is Yaz and Ilms. Today, we are joined by Divorce Survival Coach Arabella Paul. Hi, hello, I want to ask where have you been when I needed you three years ago? How have I only found you?

Ilmz:

now so many people say that to me. So many people say, oh, I needed you like three, five years ago.

Yaz:

Well, now they're going to know.

Arabella:

Yeah we're putting it out there you have to go to Arabella yes, so how long have you been the divorce coach?

Ilmz:

for? Um. Well, I got made redundant at the beginning of last year and so I decided to retrain as a coach and niche in breakups and divorce, following my own divorce back in 2020. And also, actually, I wanted to be a coach for some time, but when I saw that you could actually do it in a certain area, I thought, well, what better I could help people going through really difficult times like I did?

Yaz:

let's switch it up. We've been holding back way too much.

Ilmz:

Welcome to the breakup diet and because I help people emotionally with all the emotions around divorce, but also I help people avoid common pitfalls, avoid making mistakes that might be costly. I'm also reducing the time you speak to your solicitor about your emotions because, quite frankly, they care but it's not relevant and they're not equipped to help you so they're there to get like the logistics of the divorce done not the actual emotional yeah, I've never thought about that.

Yaz:

That makes so much sense actually.

Ilmz:

Yeah, that would be hard because you want to ask them and you want to talk to them, but you, you like you can, but not really yeah, and you do, and I think you know, and and divorce solicitors are really empathetic and that's why they do a job like that, but they can't really help you and, as I say, it's not actually relevant to the case. Yeah, I mean, you can go on and on about your husband having an affair or whatever, and they're like I'm really sorry you're going through all this, but can you tell me about this, this and that?

Arabella:

because the affair is going to have no bearing on the final result exactly because now, with the whole no fault divorce, anything that's happened to you does not matter what's on no? Fault, no fault.

Ilmz:

Divorce is when you end a marriage on the basis that no one's to be blamed yes, because in the past you had to gather up evidence of adultery and abuse and everything but when, with adultery, you actually literally had to have a time and a place, not photographic evidence, but you needed to know exactly when it happened and where it happened.

Arabella:

Really, it's like a full concrete thing yeah.

Ilmz:

And if it wasn't an affair which so many times it isn't you had to basically say why you don't like the other partner, or why they're really annoying and why the marriage can never continue. It was irreconcilable differences, yeah, and that would often make an amicable divorce become quite nasty because you've had to stay. You know their worst habits, or oh god, that's horrible.

Arabella:

No, no fault is the best thing ever, because that, for me, was the quickest process.

Ilmz:

Yeah, like I was done in six months, so was I and for me it's like ripping off a plaster you just want to get on and do it genuinely like I don't care about what belongs to what, like no one's to be blamed.

Arabella:

I don't want to be with you, fine, yeah yeah, god.

Yaz:

So. So if somebody going through like a divorce right now, what are some steps that they could take to like start the healing process and actually like let it go?

Ilmz:

journaling is really good, getting all your thoughts down on paper. It just frees up some mental space. I have some specific ones that apply to me, but actually I do use them in my coaching. Music is so empowering. Listening to great song that makes you feel good or dancing around that can really help exercise.

Yaz:

I play tennis, but people can do anything just getting out into the nature, going for a walk and for me, my friends, having a community around you, people who you make you feel better about yourself yeah, because I feel like a lot of the time like, even with like a breakup, like a long distance or not a long distance, a long term breakup that's something that people really struggle with is feeling lonely because it's like, yeah, you go from having someone and then to like being alone at night or whatever yeah to not having your person anymore.

Arabella:

It's such a big adjustment and, like you're right, having friends honestly is what saved me personally yeah, that's brilliant, yeah, having a good friendship network.

Ilmz:

But also I talk about a support team and that will be like if you're going through a divorce I also deal with breakups, not just divorce. But if you're going through a divorce, you need the solicitor or mediator if it's going down that route, financial advisor, divorce coach, maybe even a therapist if you've got some deep-seated past trauma you need to deal with, and friends, family and exercise buddy.

Yaz:

Hang on, let's stop this for a sec Subscribe and follow the Breakup Diet you don't want to miss another episode. I don't understand how anyone goes to work.

Arabella:

It was really really tough and I don't know why I felt like I couldn't ask for help, even though my boss kept on checking in. I just felt the need to be this like strong person and not get weak, if that makes sense. I didn't want to show anyone that I was actually struggling. Instead, I was to my boss hey, I want to take on more deals for my portfolio.

Arabella:

Like, I think, my identity and this is going on to the next question I've always been such a like strong, resilient girl, like growing up and even throughout my marriage, that that was like the one thing I did not want to have taken away. Like he can take away my house, my marriage, that that was like the one thing I did not want to have taken away. Like he can take away my house, my bags, everything, but he is not going to take away my identity. And I think, like for a lot of people who've gone through like a traumatic breakup or a divorce, how do they either hold on to their identity or I guess, rebuild it, I think, starting off really with rediscovering and redefining your values for a start, remembering who you were before the relationship.

Ilmz:

Also, if, within a marriage particularly, lots of decisions have been taken out of your hand or you made decisions together, then it's getting more confident in yourself to make decisions on your own, and it could be to start with the simplest things like deciding what to have for dinner. But the more you do it, the more you practice, the better you get at it and the more you feel confident in it. Setting small goals as well, just each day, and nothing too big, nothing too unmanageable, so that when you look back you've actually taken a giant leap. That's really helpful as well.

Ilmz:

What are some mistakes that people make, like straight away when they're going through a divorce and, you know, in this process, well, I think one of the main ones is flying off the handle and talking to their solicitor and acting very quickly, and I think to it's better to be in an emotionally regulated state when you're talking to a solicitor about your divorce, because you need. These decisions are going to be for the rest of your life, perhaps if you have children, as you've got to really be in the right place mentally to talk to your sister about what's going to happen. Let's say, someone's had an affair, they want to leave a marriage and they feel so guilty. They say well, you know, my ex can have everything. Well, that doesn't really work, but they're just acting in the moment. So you've really got to make sure you're in the right place.

Arabella:

How do you like get yourself to be more grounded in such a high stress environment, such as a divorce?

Yaz:

Even in a breakup.

Ilmz:

Yeah Well, lots of self-care, looking after yourself, eating well, sleeping well, exercise. I actually know and pass on lots of tips and techniques to regulate your emotions, nlp techniques, something called PQ reps. So a PQ rep, for example, is rubbing your fingertips together and really concentrating on the sensation of your fingers together, feeling all the ridges of your fingers, feeling the heat of your fingers, and that sort of takes you away. It changes your focus and grounds you and brings you back to the present and that's really helpful. Also in a scenario where maybe you're in a meeting or um in the courtroom or you're in a solicitor's meeting as a mediation and you're feeling, like you know, anxious to do something like that. It's really subtle, no one knows you're doing it and that's really helpful.

Arabella:

That's one thing yeah, that's really good. This is great because I'm like doing it right now and I needed this today because I'm having such a stressful day.

Yaz:

Yeah I feel like you, um didn't you? When we first started this? I feel like you did something like oh yes yes, yes, yes what was that? Again, it was like you tap your forehead, or something.

Arabella:

Yeah, you like tap here, then you tap the, is that?

Yaz:

the same thing.

Ilmz:

It has the same effect and, yes, it's a different way. But you're accessing certain nerves to regulate yourself emotionally in that instance.

Arabella:

And it calms you down completely, Like when my mom is stressing me out. I like tap myself to oblivion.

Ilmz:

Yeah, and actually when this isn't around breakup or divorce. But one of my great friends died before covid and I had to stand and give a talk at her memorial and I was terrified that I was going to cry and I'd spent quite a lot of time because I was at school with her quite a lot of time writing it, so I wanted it. I wanted everyone to hear it lots of old stories and so I spent the entire time tapping at the same time as talking and it really helped.

Yaz:

I didn't cry yeah, because I'm so sorry. Personally, I know it's heartbreaking, but when you it it is like that, when you can write it down or you can say it in your head and you don't cry, the moment the words leave your mouth out loud. You often do cry, even if you have said it thousands of times in your head written down. It's so weird that that actually just saying it out loud just triggers something in yeah, yeah.

Ilmz:

Another thing I find really useful is starting a new project or doing something that's completely taking your mind off it. Yeah, I was really, really sad that day and I couldn't stop crying and I was thinking, oh my god, my life couldn't get any better. But I was practicing my techniques for myself and I had a shower basket to build and hang in my shower anyway. So I just had the instructions out and went through it all and suddenly I hadn't even thought about it for like half an hour. It was brilliant.

Arabella:

There are often at times we're being so harsh on ourselves with our healing and recovery. What are some examples you think shows that we're actually on the right path of healing, that we don't realize so?

Ilmz:

I think any setback we ought not to worry about. That's perfectly normal, and sitting with an emotion is also a good thing, because otherwise it will become something that you stuffed and it will come back to haunt you later. But I think things like not thinking of your ex for maybe over 50% of your day how they live in my mind rent free.

Arabella:

They're in my head right now writing things you are grateful for.

Ilmz:

Writing a list of all the bad things associated with your ex. Writing a bucket list of things you would do in the future and perhaps things your ex would not want to have done, and things that you actually would have done but didn't do it.

Ilmz:

Oh, my ex would not have wanted me to start a podcast like I had it with my ex, but I bet he doesn't want it now, but he's like god damn it but also, we're not stalking your ex, because some people you know keep looking online, maybe thinking about contacting them, and I think if you're doing that or thinking about it, at least less and less, yeah, anything, just small steps.

Yaz:

But it's really hard to do like, but also I feel like you have to be ready. I feel like people put a lot of pressure on you know being fine quite fast after, and if you have been fine quite fast after on a different relationship, you kind of expect to be similar a lot of the time on another. Yeah, like I feel like every single relationship is so different and your like post break breakup is so different too no, I agree.

Ilmz:

And also a divorce and being married doesn't mean that you're going to feel stronger emotions than from a breakup. That really meant a lot to you, because you perhaps thought you were going to be with that person forever anyway, whether you were married or not. So it's still pretty painful and you're redefining your future and imagining a future without them and that's, you know, the unknown, and that's quite scary hard letting go of something that you thought was that's what.

Yaz:

Yeah absolutely do you think that's something that people struggle with the most?

Ilmz:

yeah, definitely yeah and then probably like, as you said, rebuilding and yeah figuring it out it's what we don't necessarily know, but it's the second most traumatic event, a life event, after the death of a loved one going through a divorce, separation yeah, you're basically mourning someone who's still alive.

Arabella:

Yeah, I've still got a life and they've chosen to live that life without you. Yeah, it is such a kick in the stomach like sometimes I'm like I wish they were dead no, no, cutting that, that is a normal. That is a normal reaction, like I just I don't want to know what they're up to. I don't want to know if they've moved on that kind of thing.

Yaz:

Yeah I was with somebody like quite recently that heard about one of their exes like actually moving on and she's been totally fine, nothing like the whole time, as in like obviously she went through the whole processes and everything being sacked but like she's been pretty good, you know, and fine. And then she heard about it and she burst out crying straight away and see, like I just don't want a reminder of their existence.

Ilmz:

I think one of the best things to do is obviously come off social media contact with them and perhaps friends associated with them too, because also you could read into something.

Yaz:

You could see that there's a picture of them with somebody else, but actually it's not what you think it is, it's just probably just a cousin yeah, and also I find I with that point, though it is actually quite hard to let go of ties that you've made through your partner.

Arabella:

Oh my god, yeah like losing the friends, losing their girlfriends.

Yaz:

That was the hardest, for sure yeah, because then it's just like another element of like you feel even more lonely, possibly you know, yeah, you've not just lost your partner, you've also then feel like you've lost your community a bit yeah, yeah, I agree.

Ilmz:

And um, and also your family.

Ilmz:

Sometimes if you've gotten really well with their family and then suddenly you know you're not supposed to be talking to them or having a relationship with them anymore, that's hard, you're losing everybody and it's hard also when you're you know you spend so much time with their family and you really put in the effort but actually I think if you look at it from the family's point of view, and if they really liked you and they're actually quite upset, the relationship's broken, they can't do anything about it and it's really hard for them to like, adapt and then all people smiles for their son or daughter and welcome the new relationship, because as a parent, that's really what you've got to do.

Yaz:

But you're still thinking I really like the last one. Yeah, they will be thinking that, yeah, no, I'm joking.

Arabella:

So boundaries, self-respect, what role do they play, especially if the divorce or the breakup was toxic or traumatic?

Ilmz:

Boundaries are huge. Also the power of no. I'm one of those people that says yes to everything it's saying.

Arabella:

I'm such a yes man for what Like, I'm such a people pleaser, but I feel like people aren't pleased. Yet I feel like I'm pleasing people, yes.

Ilmz:

I'm putting them over me, absolutely. I'm trying to, like you know, make their life easier at the detriment of my life. Yeah, and I think, why am I doing this? So I'm getting better myself. It's like saying no or no, not on that day. Can we do it another day, and actually more often than not? That's absolutely fine.

Arabella:

How do you like not feel anxious, especially when you're like introducing someone new to your life? You obviously like want to be accommodating.

Yaz:

You want to be the cool girl, yeah, so easygoing yes, I want to be the chill girlfriend also, if you like them, you do accommodate more because you're like, you want to see them, even if it's at your detriment.

Arabella:

Yes, you know how do we not do that, how do we not do that?

Ilmz:

I don't want to do that anymore. I know how do we not do that. Rather than like flipping to being really difficult and no, I don't want to do this and you know being the complete opposite, I think maybe it's like picking your battles or thinking about what really is important to you, so like, I don't know, you don't want to be a difficult person. In terms of that's how we had to single forever.

Ilmz:

I was like no, you're not going out, you're not seeing your friends, you don't want to be a difficult person in terms of you know you're not going out, you're not seeing your friends, you're not doing this, you're not doing that, but perhaps it's better to be, you know, more upfront about what matters to you, and then at least they know their sort of goalposts, I suppose, and so they can work with that.

Arabella:

Will we still be able to find people with those boundaries?

Ilmz:

Of course, yes, because they're not walls, they're not, like you know, keeping people out, they're like just sort of guidelines.

Yaz:

I think it's so important, especially at the start, to make those clear actually with, like, what you want and what you expect. I think if you don't have that at the start and then you try to enforce them after, it's almost like a lost case. Yeah, and then you try to enforce them after, it's almost like a lost case, like, yeah, you know what I mean.

Ilmz:

like, if you want something at the start, you have to almost go I would say, harsh the other way, because then if people like slack a bit, it's still meeting your like yeah, and I also think when we were talking about boundaries and being open about, um, how it makes you feel or why you'd like someone to behave like that, because if we don't communicate that with them, we think, oh, they'll just know. But that's what's going on through our heads. They don't just know, their mind might operate in a different way. But so you're actually helping them by giving these guidelines. I think we can rewrite boundaries to guidelines I like that.

Yaz:

I like that because it makes it less stressful to it. It's more like not like forgiving. It sounds a bit more like you know, working in progress. Yeah, five, you know what I mean. Instead of it being like if you cross it, it's like done yeah, your boundary seems quite like all or nothing?

Ilmz:

yeah, it does, isn't it sometimes? Yeah, it shouldn't be like that, but it does sound a bit boundaries. I mean, in the old days, boundaries were keeping like people out yeah, your boundary, your home, so it does sound like that.

Yaz:

How would you stop somebody like that is? You know they're trying to set boundaries, but they can't stop themselves comparing their current partner to their ex. This is an example. They've had a guy that cheats that would do the phone thing, not answer them for hours. How do you get somebody to a place where they aren't like instantly thinking the worst?

Ilmz:

it's really hard, it takes time. I really think it takes time, and then you have to like learn to trust again. But what I do think is with actions and words, I always think actions speak louder than words for sure words, yeah, nothing without action exactly, so they can say they will do this or they will do that, but not following through.

Arabella:

They say everything except they won't act.

Ilmz:

The talk, it's boring exactly yeah, so yeah, look at, are they acting the way you want them to?

Yaz:

that's more important if aren't they saying the things you want them to do you think there should be like a strikeout rule, almost like if they do it set amount of times, like oh, you know what I mean, because I feel like I definitely let that happen with actions like yeah, now thinking about it, yeah, yeah, no, and I agree, and I'm the same.

Ilmz:

And also you think, oh, you know, like you know, I'm easy going, I'll let that go, and you know I always give the benefit of the doubt.

Arabella:

But maybe internally, you know, we can think okay, once twice no, I'm gonna get a bit personal and a bit vulnerable, but this is like such a yeah, this is such a me question how do I begin to build trust again with someone else? I feel very kind of. I know we talk about boundaries, but I've got like the great wall of china on top of me, like I'm really scared to be vulnerable and I'm really scared to even open up, like for dating. Like I rarely date, I, yeah, how do I like know that they're safe, that they're not going to hurt me, that they're not going to like do what my exes have done?

Ilmz:

Yeah, going to hurt me that they're not going to like do what my exes have done, yeah, well, um, first of all, you can't guarantee that that's not going to happen. I think it's more about learning from the past and taking the lessons you've learned and moving them forward into new relationships and dating. I think it's about open communication Also, making yourself little promises and keeping to them. That really helps with building self-confidence as well. But I do think to really feel love, you have to let yourself go and be open to feel love. But also that can come with pain.

Arabella:

That's's the thing I feel like, because there's no guarantee of a forever, I feel like what is the point of, like putting all these boundaries down after I've worked so hard to be, you know, strong, confident, resilient and unbreakable? Like what's the point?

Yaz:

I feel like when you put the boundaries, if you, if you set them at the start, I'm you. Correct me if I'm wrong. But I feel like when you put the boundaries, if you set them at the start, you've correct me if I'm wrong. But I feel like if you set the boundaries at the start, when you're first dating and somebody's already you know that they're not going to meet it, then they haven't really got to know you either. So if you know that might help you trust the right person sooner, because at least there's a little bit more like cut out, you know.

Ilmz:

And also, if you talk with someone new about your values and share, yeah, his or her values together, um, then you know you can make sure you're aligned in that way and that's really helpful. Like you could probably say certain things why you find it hard to trust certain things that have triggered you or certain things that have happened in your past. If you want to be open, I believe in monogamy.

Yaz:

No one is monogamous and it's so easy to get away actually with cheating yeah so that's why it's hard like, and that's why I think it's hard to trust people, because it's like a lot of people do it and they I don't know it's so easy to even have like a small interaction with like people can have parasocial relationships with someone online without actually having the intention of like having sex or even to meet.

Ilmz:

They just like liking each other's stuff yes, yeah, but actually even on the dating apps, um, people would have a conversation, would be talking, talking, talking and then suddenly they disappear and actually I think they probably were in a relationship and they were just getting their kicks out of messaging someone random so bizarre because they would delete the app. They wouldn't just disappear, you were unconnected, because they had deleted the app. It's like that's a bit bonkers. And then they'd come back two weeks later on the app. Oh my God, it's so scary. I've had that with one guy twice talking to him twice. You've had that. Why did I bloody talk to him a second time, god knows? But both times two hours of like intense chatting and then suddenly he's deleted the app. I didn't say anything wrong.

Yaz:

So there must have been like a girlfriend or someone who walked into the room. Yeah, and I reckon you made the excuse, you made up an excuse.

Ilmz:

The first time around I was like, oh, you know what happened to him, or we both pressed a button by accident.

Yaz:

Yeah, yeah, it is that, though you make excuses.

Ilmz:

I do. I'm always making excuses for other people and their behaviour.

Yaz:

I feel like that's everybody.

Ilmz:

No longer.

Arabella:

Yeah, no longer. We're not doing that anymore, no excuses.

Ilmz:

No, I must be more cynical. But I also am so cynical to the point like I just can't. I'm the opposite, I'm more trusting, Too trusting perhaps.

Arabella:

I'm trusting with like female friends, yeah, but with men I'm just like. You need a password. Oh, the password doesn't work. I'm never going to get the password I mean if you know the password, it don't work.

Ilmz:

Yeah, but also I think if you have a gut feel about someone, then right at the beginning as well, then go with your guts. If your instincts are telling you that this isn't quite right, even though you might be like, oh, but this is the reason why I think you've got to go with your gut.

Yaz:

So it's actually so true that the reasons that you might not like them at the start are normally or like think that is a problem at the start are normally the ones that break you up at the end.

Arabella:

Yes.

Yaz:

Because I think that point is really hard for somebody that's been single for a long time, because then you start to compromise and you start to be like, oh, maybe I'm like the problem and I'm being too picky and I'm you know what I mean. So then you like, yeah, let go of that yeah, I agree let's ask you some common divorced myths.

Arabella:

I've handwritten them because they're all like my internal monologue. So the first one it's impossible to find love again after going through something traumatic.

Ilmz:

I don't think it's impossible when? Are they at I have. Well, they could be anywhere you know online or at your workplace or my workplace.

Arabella:

I work with Yaz.

Ilmz:

And that's it. But I think actually from the lessons you learned from past relationships, that actually sets you up to find a deeper, better love in the future I hope so.

Yaz:

Another myth that a divorce is like a failure and that you're a failure for having a divorce. I feel like that's complete myth.

Ilmz:

In fact, I think that someone who is divorced is often makes them stronger and they've showed great resilience, whether they're the one that has been left or has done the leaving. It's a complete myth. It's not a failure at all, in fact. If I meet someone who's divorced, I see strength.

Arabella:

Oh, that's really sweet, you're strong.

Ilmz:

And sisterhood.

Arabella:

Yes, sisterhood for sure. So another myth no man wants a divorced woman.

Ilmz:

I think that a man who knows his own self, he will know that a divorced woman is a better woman because she's also would have gone through her own healing, done those at discovery, been on a journey and coming out to be perhaps a better version of themselves through all that?

Arabella:

Do you think these men would ever be intimidated by my strength?

Ilmz:

Yeah, possibly, Absolutely, that could be. But the man that's right for you will see that as a blessing, not be intimidated and will want to grow with you.

Arabella:

Okay, no Try not to cry Okay.

Yaz:

I hope, I find that, I'd like to find that you you will. It's. It's so scary but even with like normal breakups in general, like you go to the low but then you learn so many things and you go better and anybody that's going to be a little bitch about it doesn't want you because you've gone through a divorce or whatever, like sorry, but you're just not good enough you're not smart, yeah, goodbye. Yeah, like you wait, you're just not good enough.

Arabella:

You're not smart enough. Yeah, goodbye, yeah.

Yaz:

Goodbye. Like you wait, You're probably going to go through something. You know what I mean. Like most people go through, not like a breakup, you know, in their whole life.

Ilmz:

Yeah, you've got to, I think. Also open your mind to dating, not the obvious choice for you.

Arabella:

So don't I put my raya age gap to like 55 plus. How much more open-minded can I be plus older?

Ilmz:

older? Oh, no way, I don't even do that. I'm gonna be 50 this year and I think my um, my highest age, would be 53 or something, 55, no, thank you. What's the youngest um? I'd probably go as low as 27, my brother's age, because that would feel weird. My brother's 43.

Ilmz:

So oh, you can go younger, you can get away with it maybe 40 then but but not only 40, because I think people might go oh, because she's gonna be 50 this year. Oh, you can do 30, baby you can do 30, baby, you can do 30. 30? Maybe, who knows, it's summer. Yeah, we'll see. I'm not on the dating apps at the moment, but let's create one for you.

Arabella:

Okay, another myth. Yes, you'll be broke and struggling forever after a divorce.

Ilmz:

Well, that, I think, is a complete myth. Yes, it's really expensive. It can be really expensive to get divorced, but in the short term, yes, you might be struggling, but I think often women come out more empowered and ready to rebuild their lives and actually actually can be financially better off in the future, that oh my god, 100, because now my money is my money.

Ilmz:

Yeah, like I don't owe anyone anything exactly and also there are things you can do like take a look at your lifestyle when you go through a divorce and work out other things you can do in terms of budgeting and shopping elsewhere, and do you really need some of the things you know? And you can just sort of do a bit of a clear out and then, when you've got more money, then maybe take those things back on again. But it's quite, it's like spring cleaning spring cleaning, spring cleaning.

Yaz:

We did a spring cleaning shoot and that kind of started like the breakup yeah, I'm really my own breakup through the spring cleaning shoots spring clean your mind. Spring clean your apartment, spring clean your relationship in my relationship I love them.

Ilmz:

When I go through a breakup, um, I go through a spring cleaning mind house of life moment because that just helps me. If I'm organizing my head and my house, I just feel sort of in a better place to cope with it oh yeah, that's a great way to declutter everything yeah okay, the last myth all men cheat and you just have to put up with if you want to stay married.

Ilmz:

So, yeah, I have been through an ex having an affair, but I've also gone through many boyfriends who've never done that, and there are so many good men out there who really value love and monogamy and treating someone as they should be treated. So, no, that's a complete myth. It's finding the right one, but there are a lot of right ones, though it's not just one, I mean, you know, and also I don't believe. The thing is, I think we've often got this idea of a fairy tale and unconditional love and also, in a marriage, staying with someone, even if it's not right because of this unconditional love. But I think we need to be more realistic, um, about what love is, and it's more give and take, and it's not right because of this unconditional love. But I think we need to be more realistic about what love is, and it's more give and take and it's sharing values and respecting each other and growing together.

Arabella:

I do want to ask like one last thing UK divorce statistics. How is it? Is it getting worse? Does love exist? What are you seeing that's trending with, like your clients? Yeah, we can discuss.

Ilmz:

So what we are seeing I think it's two thirds of divorces are mainly instigated by women because, yeah, they are. They're fed up with taking most of the load the family loads. That often happens, so it's an imbalance there. They're often lacking emotional connection and often have got a career where they don't actually rely on the husband, um, to provide for them, and so they will move on and be happy on their own, and actually women are more likely to. In fact, women do thrive beyond divorce more than men do.

Yaz:

Oh men, get your act together. Yes, yes yes. It's dropped, dropped.

Ilmz:

But I think the divorce rate at the moment is about 42%, which is still quite high. It has come down slightly from COVID where, just after COVID, it was reaching an all-time high.

Arabella:

So basically one in two marriage ends in a divorce.

Ilmz:

Yeah, almost, but less people are getting married these days as well, actually.

Yaz:

Okay.

Ilmz:

Yeah.

Yaz:

There was somebody that said on a podcast that I listened to that it was like there's like our generation there'll be the least amount of marriages but the least amount of divorces, because there's like no marriages to divorce from no.

Ilmz:

Also, the when they actually do like they're really solid and like it's just stuck, yeah, yeah yeah, and I've got a few friendships, my friends, who are married to really good, decent and fun men, and I look at their relationships and they've been married 20 years, they've got two or three children and I know that it exists that is really really important and good to know.

Arabella:

Arabella Divorce Survival Coach. We feel so lucky to have had you on. I feel lucky.

Yaz:

Thank you, no, thank you so much.

Arabella:

We've learned so much and I feel like I've gotten like a little bit of hope sparked back in me, so I really appreciate it, my pleasure.

People on this episode

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Ilma Shahrene

Co-host
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Yasmin Misner

Co-host