The Break-Up Diet

Don’t Do This After a Breakup- Do This Instead ft. Lydia Mae

• Yasmin Misner and Ilma Shahrene • Season 1 • Episode 44

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Breakups hurt—there’s no way around it. But what if that pain is actually the catalyst for your biggest glow-up yet?

In this raw and eye-opening episode, co-hosts Yaz and Ilmz sit down with breakup coach Lydia Mae, who shares the kind of real, no-BS advice that flips everything you thought you knew about heartbreak on its head. When Yaz opens up about still struggling to move on, Lydia offers a powerful reframe: those messy, tear-filled moments? They’re not setbacks—they’re your healing in motion.

One of the most surprising takeaways? Lydia’s insight into how men experience heartbreak. Spoiler: it’s not the emotionless, move-on-quickly stereotype we’ve all been fed. With nearly half her clients being male, Lydia shines a compassionate light on the silent struggles many guys face post-breakup.

This conversation dives deep into practical tools for recovery—from creating a “relationship reality check” list to break the cycle of romanticizing, to the unexpected power of dancing alone as nervous system regulation. Lydia even opens up about her own breakthrough with Reiki healing, showing just how deeply our bodies store emotional pain.

Still checking their Instagram every five minutes? Lydia’s got you. Her take on blocking is one of the most freeing analogies we’ve ever heard: “It’s like peeling off the plaster every five minutes to see if the wound’s healed.”

Whether you're freshly heartbroken or still carrying ghosts of relationships past, this episode delivers comfort, clarity, and real tools to help you move forward.

As Lydia so perfectly puts it, “The hardest chapters, like a breakup, can often be followed by the most beautiful ones.”

Ready to turn the page?


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Ilmz:

Welcome back to another episode of the Breakup Diet. This is Yazan Ilms, and we've got an exciting guest on with us today Lydia May the breakup coach.

Lydia:

Hi guys, so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

Ilmz:

We're so excited to have you here. We need you. Like you're going through a breakup. I've been through one and I'm still like hung up on him, like help.

Lydia:

No, I feel like I've come at the right time then.

Yaz:

This hung up on him like help. No, I feel like I've come at the right time, then. This is perfect timing. Some would say it's honestly. You think that it wouldn't be that like hard to get over. I feel like I actually feel like well, I'm talking about me personally right now. I didn't think it'd be that hard, but I'm still like have days where I'm sad. Let's switch it up. We've been holding back way too much. Welcome to the breakup diet.

Lydia:

Yeah, and I think it's natural. I think I know people say this all the time and sometimes I'm a bit like oh, that phrase. But healing isn't linear and it's like reminding yourself of that and like having compassion for those days. I think a lot of people are like, oh, why do I feel so bad? It's been a couple of days I've been feeling good and then suddenly you might have a setback. Some people like to call it.

Lydia:

But actually it's like sometimes when you have those down days, they're actually the most powerful breakthroughs, because when you have those down days, that's when you you have to really feel to heal. So to have those like when you're getting to those points, when you're really holding on to those emotions and you're releasing them, you're letting them out, whether you're having a good cry or you are letting out for some frustration or anger, that's all a release of stuff that's stored in you, right? So it's always some form of breakthrough to have those negative emotions and obviously it's amazing to have those days where you feel really positive and upbeat. But also those down days. I often remind my clients that they're not always the worst thing. In fact, in many ways they can be the most powerful part so what do you do then?

Yaz:

I don't know, if you have, do you have male clients as well?

Ilmz:

I do, yeah, absolutely so so they're not all monsters? No, they're not.

Lydia:

No and actually when I was going, when I was going into this line of work, what was really interesting was obviously I knew that that the men went through breakups as well, but I just didn't think that men went through breakups quite how we did. In that sense, I was almost like because obviously from my perspective, I was like, oh you know they're, they're monsters, things like that, but it really isn't. It really isn't from my experience. When I have a bad experience, I'll be like that's it, I'm done. But actually men do go through breakups and actually, you know, obviously this is a sweeping statement, it's not always the case, but sometimes men don't really talk to each other as much, and so I actually find that a lot of people have been reaching out to me for support have been men. It's actually, I would say, an equal split split, sorry between men and women.

Yaz:

I asked that question because obviously you said with like the breakthroughs, like there's a lot of crying and it's like a lot of talking, and typically what I've seen like men don't seem to cry as much as they just follow a lot of girls on instagram they do.

Lydia:

They do they do that for ego boost. Is that for ego boost? There's a lot? I think there's lots of things that go on. I think sometimes people act out of um. If they want to kind of ignore their emotions and not really deal with what's going on, they might maybe jump to a rebound relationship or jump to something new quite quickly or just completely ignore their emotions altogether and act like they're totally fine. I mean, mean, women obviously do that as well, but I think it's been really interesting, being a coach and having 50% male and female clients, to really hear male's perspectives and the fact that they actually often feel that they don't speak to that many people about it and that's why they seek help from maybe a therapist or a coach rather than, let's say, a friend.

Yaz:

I was very surprised at how many male male people were reaching out to me.

Lydia:

I have to ask you, are any of them hot? So I I really do have a very firm boundary with that, because it's like almost like being like a, like a coach. It's like, no, I'm here to help you that wasn't what my question was gonna be. I've never crossed that boundary.

Yaz:

She's over here horny like I was like over here ready to ask, like I don't know, a meaningful question. Now I've forgotten it because you're like are they hot?

Ilmz:

sorry, I don't know what it is but like okay, in a serious note, it is nice to be able to humanize men, because I'm on such a like man hate journey that I feel like they're mean. They dump you, then they move on really fast. They don't care about you, like once they're done with one body they move on to the next. I just feel like, do they like women?

Yaz:

I'm gonna add to that sorry I'm gonna add to it, because you feel like they break up. Even if you've had a nice relationship. They break up and then they're instantly, you know, out in the clubs or out in the bars or following those girls on instagram, and it makes you just feel like the nice person that you remember when you were with is just didn't even care, even if they were the more emotional one in the relationship, absolutely and that's why it's so confusing, like yeah why do they do that?

Lydia:

it can really be a coping mechanism. It really is. It's like almost like that suppression, like because you absolutely they go through the same process as women like they feel that void. It's naturally. Whether the breakup ending was right or not, you still form an emotional connection and attachment to someone, right? So even if it's the right thing that you part ways or, you know, maybe you want to like bargain and get back with them, it doesn't matter. Irrespective of that, you form that connection. So everyone has that process of detachment and our brain really craves what's familiar. So even when we break up with someone, we still might be seeking them and seeking that support. So people might go out and try and find it early on in other avenues. They might go out and maybe get with lots of people or they might just do more self-destructive behaviors and things like that to try and cope and fill that void and have that quick connection.

Ilmz:

I just couldn't think of anything worse to sleep with someone sleeping with someone like a whole new connection building that be vulnerable all over again. Let your guards down. Yeah, I'm two years on and I still don't know how to let my guards down yeah, and I think that's that's natural as well.

Lydia:

I think it's about I think when some people go through breakups, they want to move on quite quickly. I think that's like it is okay to date quite soon afterwards, absolutely like if you feel like you're ready to, but also like I think there's there's something really beautiful about taking your time after a breakup to really go back to the drawing board and be like, okay, who am I now without this person? Like, what are my values now? This is something I do with my clients a lot. We'll go right, sit down.

Lydia:

What is important to you because what might have been important to you if you, maybe, if you're in a six-year relationship, what might have been important to you at 22 might not be important to you at 28. Now, right, so it's about really helping to like rediscover who you are independent, outside that relationship. That really helps, and being single for a bit after a breakup is a really beautiful time to do that, because you learn to become your own support system as well, okay, but now I'm in this phase where I'm like, okay, I've discovered myself, I love who I am.

Ilmz:

The best I've ever like, looked, felt all amazing love that, but how do I like get back into the game about like sort of letting your guards down? Hang on, let's stop this for a sec.

Yaz:

Subscribe and follow the Breakup Diet. You don't want to miss another episode.

Lydia:

Ask yourself those questions Okay, what is it that I am nervous about? And almost like writing it, journaling it and saying, okay, I would like to go on a date with someone. What am I? What's like the worst case scenario, what am I really scared that's going happen? Write it out like for yourself, so you're almost like putting it instead of letting it just kind of like bubble up there. You're really getting it out in the open and being like okay, this is what this is what my fears are recently all these connections that I'm seeing around me.

Lydia:

They just seem so temporary, like I feel, like I'll never be able to put my guard down because by the time I do, he'll have left me one key thing I would say is like having boundaries and like not being afraid to set them and just knowing, okay, well, I'm gonna start dating again, but I'm gonna, let's say, be really transparent with the guy who I'm gonna date with, like not, I mean, not the first time, the second you meet them, I'm gonna say like, I guess like. I'm not having sex with you two.

Lydia:

I might well you say that I, you know, like I am dating with the intention to meet someone.

Lydia:

I'm not saying it has to be you, but I'm just saying like that is my intention of dating right now.

Lydia:

And I think what I'm finding, certainly with a lot of my friends, is that like people are going out and they're dating and people seem to be being a little bit more transparent I know my friends certainly are about okay, I know we're going on a date and not to like scare you off, like maybe a couple of dates in, but be like, by the way, I am dating with the intention to eventually have a partner. Or I am dating sometimes, if you want to be transparent, if you're dating just to sleep with someone, again like okay, like that's also fine, but it's like being transparent about like your boundaries and like what you are expecting on your intentions for dating. And then I guess that other person has the option to say we're not aligned in that way, like I'm not looking for that. And I think a lot of my certainly a lot of my friends I've spoken to have had conversations recently where they've saved themselves a lot of time because they've realized that they weren't aligned with their dating goals as the person they're going on a date with.

Yaz:

So they've like kind of said, okay, called it quits do you think you have to go on a few dates to actually know you fit?

Lydia:

I think it can be arranged, because I I've known people to go on a first date and like, have that instant. I think the spark thing is what can cloud everything? It's like, okay, I didn't feel that complete full body, like crazy spark. That means that we're not compatible and I think there are some people that can be slower burn. It's like you have people that are in really good friendships and then it grows into a really beautiful relationship. People often say best foundation for a relationship is to have a good friendship as well. So they're kind of more slow burn, which would be a couple of days, let's say. But sometimes you do have that instant spark. For myself to be less fixated on that like crazy instant spark and just like for me it's like being really aligned in values and having that like feeling like I'm connected and I feel safe with them.

Yaz:

I feel safe and secure and feel like I can be my most authentic self with somebody that, like, knows that their breakup wasn't right but is still struggling to let go of them. What would you say to do?

Lydia:

I would say for this one to write a list and have it. You can have it on your notes app, you can have it in your journal, but like a list of the reasons why you broke up and it doesn't even have to be that you made that decision, it could be that they did but write about almost like not to be negative, but like write about all the things that were really challenging in the relationship. And like also, you can write on the other side like your values and what's important to you and like maybe write about ways that they didn't align. And it's not to kind of point the finger and blame someone and say what you're doing, how they behaved was wrong and I was in the right all the time, but it's more to be like okay, like yes, I might miss them, but we're not right for each other. For these reasons and having that, it's like helping you take those rose-tinted glasses off and to stop romanticizing the relationship yeah, because that's what happens when you go through a breakup.

Yaz:

It's so weird. You just remember.

Ilmz:

It's all about the what ifs and the good stuff and all these fantasies and not the actual reality yeah, yeah.

Yaz:

And then you're like oh my god, like why? And then you're like actually I wasn't happy.

Lydia:

Yeah, exactly, but you have to. It takes a lot of reminding like you have to just go. Okay, well, I'm feeling like I'm really missing them, which again is okay, but then being like okay, these are the reasons you go through those phases of breakups. There's often like shock and denial, um, and then there's kind of like a bit like maybe anger and frustration. Then there's that bargaining phase, right where it's like people want to start going exactly it's when the reality is kind of here and it's like sinking.

Lydia:

And then our brain obviously, as you mentioned, craves what's familiar, so it starts like trying to claw back and get everything back to that familiar, normal state which was being in a relationship with them.

Ilmz:

That's the toughest that is for sure the toughest. Yeah, I agree that came pretty fast for me and then it was like pretty long.

Yaz:

Finally not in it now, but I was for a long time what helped you get out of that bargaining stage?

Yaz:

I think time, knowing that it's not language sucks. And also I actually looked back on my notes so this is really bad. And this wasn't to like be mean, and I didn't do it every time, but when I felt quite bad in our relationship about something, just the way that I it made me feel I had dotted it down in my notes app and I like saw it and I like read them okay and it's like it's just.

Lydia:

It's just about having like a really raw, authentic moment with yourself going okay, they might not have known that what they did hurt you in certain situations, but being like and also they could probably have a list about you as well, yeah, doubt it.

Lydia:

Are you sure we're perfect? Nah, I don't think they'd be making lists. But like, yeah, it's one of those things where it's like no one is perfect and like I reflect. I've done a lot of reflecting on my last relationship and I like I look at it now. At the beginning I was like, oh, I was really angry and I was thinking about all the things that they'd done to wrong me.

Lydia:

But it's not again. It's like it's really not about a blame thing. It's about framing it as like, okay, how can I grow from this? Like, how can? What my boundaries are in a relationship, what is important to me? But then also, okay, what did I do? How did I act in a way that maybe I want to do differently next time? So, again, like looking at it from a very self-compassionate lens and not like blaming yourself for anything you've done, but just looking at it as an incredible growth opportunity. How many breakups have you had? Three, three or three like proper boyfriends, but situationships I mean, I don't know how. I couldn't count. The last breakup was after a four year relationship, so that was like my longest term breakup. So that was kind of the one that's been, I guess, was the biggest experience of going through all the motions, all the stages and took me the longest to get over that was my next question.

Yaz:

I was gonna say do they get easier?

Lydia:

it really varies. I think every relationship is totally different and like like I guess it's the circumstances. Is it something that you wanted? Is it a mutual decision? Was there still a lot of love there or did you really drift apart at the end? Like it really like how there's a lot of varying factors. I'd say for me the last breakup was the hardest because of the length of time that we were together, but then also we lived together, had a dog together, Like you, know, know all those like kind of things which made it more, even more, of like that was my normal, and then to have it pulled away was really difficult.

Lydia:

How did you rebuild your life after I moved to london for a little bit and I think, being with like friends who also, funnily enough, going through breakups as well I think that was really good to have that connection of people that were at a similar stage. Don't get me wrong at the beginning, I didn't do the things that I would advise doing right, so I think it's almost like the reason why I'm become a coach and I like to give advice about what not to do is because I did the things that you don't do right. So, like I think, throughout that process, I started to, like you know, think, okay, I'm going down this spiral. Now what, like I was at a crossroads. Do I like keep going there and like ignoring how I'm feeling, or do I have a really honest look at like where I'm at and throw everything I can at like my healing and really like working through this? And so, luckily, I went the other way, which was good and that led me here to becoming a breakup coach.

Yaz:

So life throws curveballs, breakups and curveballs so when you say you threw everything at, like the healing, what does that mean?

Lydia:

I got to a point where I had lost like all hope and I wasn't actually a very spiritual person at all when I was going through my breakup. But I had a friend who traveled india and she'd gone to goa and she'd had reiki, which is like an energy form of energy healing. And she said to me, just try reiki. Like it's really helped me through my challenging times of life. And I was like not really on board with Reiki, like don't really get it a bit weird, like don't understand it. But she was like what have you got to lose?

Lydia:

I think sometimes when you go through a breakup, you can feel this sense of hopelessness that you're almost like willing to be like I'll try anything, like I'll try anything that I think will help me.

Lydia:

So I'd start doing Reiki. It like my first session just completely changed my life, like something 180'd in me and I had like a really big release throughout the session. And from that, from then, I remember going home to my mum and her being like something, like you've like something shifted in you. I've gotten goosebumps. It was crazy. Like it was a really incredible experience. And I'm not saying that every time someone has Reiki, like they have, like they might have this like really intense, like release and things like that, but what I am saying is like it's powerful, helps you release blockages in your body and obviously I had a lot of blockages around my heart area with a heart chakra. Then, on top of that, lots of journaling, lots of exercise, things like that to just like pouring into your own cup and doing things also build you up and bring you joy is really important so when you say release, do you mean like, how does it manifest?

Lydia:

Do you cry it out? For me at the time, like I, I cried so much, like I went in and I was really like tense and jittery, but then throughout the process I was very much like crying, releasing, felt like kind of tingles and warmth in my body and cool as well, and again like not everyone will have sensational experiences like that. But yeah, it was. This is somebody doing it to you, right? Have you wow okay.

Yaz:

So I had a panic attack when I was sorry this is off topic of breakouts, but you just remind me because I was trying to work out whether I had like something else. But I definitely have had it, because I remember lying on the bed and he was like I'm gonna clear something. I had my eyes shut and he was like I could hear him like moving his hands or whatever, but I my eyes were shut and whatever. Anyway, I remember it felt like a hairbrush with the bristles were being like pushed onto my head, like this, like face, so the bristles going into my head, and I looked up and his hands were like up here, and so that must've been that. Yeah, maybe.

Lydia:

Yeah, it was for a panic attack and I've never had one since. So what I do with my coaching is like by no stretch is it like pressure Cause some people like aren't up for Reiki, and that's absolutely fine, but for me I offer it and to tune into their body as well and be like, hey, I'm like, if you think about the breakup right now, where are you feeling that in your body? And they might be like my chest or my, my stomach, my solar plexus area, which is here. I think that's what's really powerful about it is you help people release things that are holding them back, release those, those obstacles that are going on in their body, and that's, I think, the best way to get over breakups is like nervous system regulation, like like making your body feel safe. It's so big One of my biggest tips for going through a breakup and whenever I tell people this they laugh, but it genuinely is the, I think, one of the main things that moved the needle with my healing journey apart from Reiki, of course, which I just didn't talk about 20 minutes, but dancing, what I would say is like putting on.

Lydia:

This is what I genuinely tell my clients to do put on your like a really a song that just makes you really happy. Bonus points if it's something that made you happy as a child. It's like tapping into your inner child as well. Um, but putting your headphones on, you can go into your room, lock the door, go to the bathroom and literally just dance.

Lydia:

Like don't overthink how you're being, you're just dancing for yourself. You're dancing to like shake any stagnant energy off your body. It really is powerful because you are. You're just dancing for yourself. You're dancing to like shake any stagnant energy off your body. It really is powerful because you are. You're releasing blockages. As you're doing that, you're also regulating your nervous system. So you're letting your body know that you're safe. And the more that you let, after a breakup, your body know that it's safe, the more it actually helps the process of like. I guess like shake as well. Like like people, like animals shake, like it's a really big thing, like if you just like have a full body, shake like they call it like somatic shakes.

Lydia:

So we just shake out all the stress every morning I'll wake up and it's like kicking my legs, they're shaking and I was like a lot. And then I have this moment where I'm like god, I've changed so much like past few years, like so I'd get all my friends to do as well. And they're like at the beginning everyone's and finds it kind of funny. And then they're like actually I did that dancing thing and it's like the best thing ever. I'm like, yes, exactly this. This stuff works. Oh, I'm so excited to try this.

Yaz:

So am I okay? So what's something that you tell someone to change their mindset? So when they come into you and they're really struggling with their breakup, is there anything that you can tell them that like helps them initially have a mindset?

Lydia:

reset. Granted, this can be hard to do at the beginning, like it's not always easy to just like view it like this because you have to have time to like grieve the relationship and just be pissed off, basically. But as we've taken time to heal and process, instead of looking at it as like okay, I'm such a victim of this situation being like okay, how can I grow from so we're saying earlier, how can I grow from this? How can I learn from this? And actually, I think people often come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime right, and sometimes, when people come in for a reason or a season, sometimes the people that we end up with are mirrors to us and they can actually trigger us in a lot of ways. But that's like highlighting wounds that we might want to like dig up and and deal with. So there's like always a growth opportunity there. Like what is it teaching me?

Yaz:

what would you do for somebody that's like can't stop stalking and looking at their stuff because it's actually really bloody hard not to? We always say don't stalk, we stalk. I'm an FBI agent, Like I am. Someone should hire me because I will work out stuff that I shouldn't know and it's kind of fun and that I think is a massive problem. Like why is it kind of fun to like be like? Oh, I was right.

Ilmz:

It's like a heroin hit. I hate it. I feel dirty afterwards.

Lydia:

That's what makes you feel dirty after, firstly, having again compassion, like okay, that was, that was something that is very common to one right, because you're craving again what's familiar. You're like trying to have like that, trying to have that emotional connection with them, even if it's just through like social media and things like that. I would always advise in the early stages about like blocking and muting, because I really do think at the beginning it's really powerful and like if you, I guess people mute sometimes, but then they'll just like, go on, set, like or block them and then go on a fake account. Muting doesn't work for most people. It's going to be like a block. But also I want to like reiterate that it's like what reinforce sorry that it's like it's not petty, like people sometimes like it's blocking petty. It's like it's not petty, it's actually self-care and it's like really like protecting your energy in that way and like ask yourself, okay, how I did this last time, how did I feel after I did it? Did I feel amazing or did I feel a bit bad?

Yaz:

I've actually made massive steps. I have not stalked him in literally like two weeks well done, yeah, whereas before I would. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I know I'm very impressed with myself and I also have a website. So if anyone wants to know, I have a website to see who they recently followed. So I was deep in the deep in the. Deep in the stalking Deep in the hole of that, but I haven't used that, I haven't looked at the stuff and I'm thriving Well done.

Yaz:

How do you feel about, like, how do you feel towards yourself now that you've done that For me, that in my head that I'm not wanting to do that, I'm like, wow, I'm actually.

Lydia:

I'm actually maybe grieved enough and I don't want any more like pain. But you've sent a really clear message to yourself that you can go without it, you don't need it. Like you can still function day to day without having to check it. Like you're sending a really clear message to yourself and to to the, the universe as well. They, like you, know you don't need it.

Lydia:

I think that's what stalking socials can be. It's like having a wound and like a plaster and like peeling it off every five minutes to see if it's healed. I'd always say to people do like, set yourself, set yourself a 30-day countdown and like have it on your phone and be like okay, at 30 days, if I want to, I can. It usually is it gets to the point where someone will get to those 30 days and be like. They'll be like oh, I've come so far, like I don't want to give in now, like I've done so long. So it's often like takes the weight, but also it makes it feel less scary, like whatever. It is like celebrate those small like week, like weekly wins of, like not checking or doing no contact I didn't even say that as an achievement.

Yaz:

I just forgot to do it and then I was like that's even better.

Lydia:

That means that it's like not even playing on your mind. It's like it's becoming less of like a conscious decision to be like I'm not going to and just more of a like I'm great without it.

Yaz:

I'm quite manic. I might not show that I'm not chill on the inside right, and then I do it so much that once I just don't care.

Ilmz:

Know what I mean, yeah, you get it out of your system and then you feel like I don't need to do that again. No, yeah, like I'm not curious anymore.

Yaz:

Yeah, it's the same thing. I've seen so many girls being bullied.

Lydia:

So it's like I don't check.

Yaz:

I didn't check the grid, I checked, oh no no, no, nothing about nothing about his grid, it was all on who he's following.

Lydia:

Right, and we all do it, but not letting it get out of hand Like part of your morning ritual. You wake up, check their socials, which I think a lot of people.

Yaz:

Yeah, it does. But yeah, what would you do with somebody if they, like, have just found out that their ex has moved on and they've, you know, done all this progress felt really good?

Ilmz:

And then, like, whenever it happens, it's like a kick to the stomach.

Lydia:

You're like, oh wait, yeah, they moved on so quickly, yeah, and I think when people see that their ex is moving quickly, I think it can obviously be really painful because it like stirs up a lot of like okay, was I not enough? And I'm feeling all this pain and I'm not nowhere near at that point. How can they be at that point and I'm not? And it makes you feel like, okay, what was this thing wrong with me? And you can be kind of really personalized experience. I think it kind of not all the time, but I think sometimes it's actually can be.

Lydia:

A lot of my clients, like during the process of us doing this breakup coaching so they'll come to me at the beginning and then that might happen throughout the process is I like say use this right now as a way to choose yourself more fiercely. So I was like right now, it's not about them anymore. It's almost like gives you I feel like it gives you a layer of closure, even though it can be really painful, it can be a massive sting. I think it really does help you shut the door even more and like yes, it can be painful to have a bit of hope ripped away, like, okay, they've moved on with someone else. But I actually think long term it does the world of good because it stops making you play on the what ifs. It's more of a like okay, well, they're actually moving on now going back to this, beginning with men and women.

Yaz:

So do men tend to feel?

Lydia:

it later. I have absolutely, absolutely heard what you've said, that people sometimes it'll be like a sort of male thing that they might jump into something quicker. But I guess, like I've also known a lot of females, girls, to do the same and like jump into rebounds, I guess it really just depends on where people are at in themselves and whether they're ready to, I guess, face those painful parts and like face their emotions in that way rather than, you know, I guess, like filling a void in many ways yeah, like I had a rebound immediately after my divorce and when that ended, that's when I came to terms with the fact that, oh, like I'm divorced, you know, like the husband's gone, everything's gone.

Ilmz:

I'm by myself like shit. Where do I like start? Now yeah, like I genuinely felt like my life started two years ago when I was completely single, actually just had no choice but to focus on myself and like heal.

Lydia:

Yeah, you kind of get forced, like almost get forced into it, like yeah, but you've learned now, probably through having a bit of time being single, that like you are okay by yourself and having that knowledge and going through life knowing that, no matter what happens, I'm actually sweet, oh my God, myself, like I'm okay, it's the best. It takes time to learn, for sure, and that's why I think a lot of people are very nervous about dating people that have just come out relationships. They're like hang on, have you, have you healed and moved on from that partner, or is that going to rear its head again and you're going to start processing that breakup delayed when we're together going out? It's a really hard thing to navigate, but I think, trying to realize that maybe the narrative that we run with isn't always correct, I feel like words can only mean so much when their actions don't follow those words.

Ilmz:

It's basically manipulation. You were getting manipulated, sorry.

Yaz:

End off. Yeah, yeah absolutely yeah. It's hard also. I just feel like with the breakup people deal with stuff. So differently.

Lydia:

People do act in different ways. You're right, with breakups have a. Some people want to go right straight away, like I'm gonna really like some people isolate, completely right, so you might think I don't want to speak to anyone. Some people will just start trying to do some healing work and real do some soul searching. Other people might just run to someone else. It really is, but I think it's. What's difficult is when people aren't acting. Your ex-partner isn't acting the same way you are. Yeah, we were together in the relationship. Why are you acting a way that I can't even fathom doing right now?

Yaz:

you know, yeah, it's like some people also go out drinking and want to do this. I'm not like that.

Lydia:

I'm the officer I like, like to get home I think one of the things I do say to my clients is I don't like trying to isolate yourself. Like you need help, like reach out to people, reach out to me or reach out to family friends. I think some people don't want to be a burden to their friends in many ways, like I don't want to keep boring them with my me going through my breakup. I'm like no, no, like how would you feel if your friend was struggling? They were looking at you and like saying, oh, I don't want to bother them. How would you feel? And they'd be like I'll be really annoyed. I want to support them. I'm like it's the same way with you. Like lean on your support system when you're going through it.

Yaz:

Our breakup, I think, was actually for the best and like for both of us, but it still hurts so much. I think my reason is because of the communication being so different. What are some other people's like?

Lydia:

Things that people struggle with. Self-esteem After a breakup. I think it can really like knock people's self-esteem so that's a big one people want to work on. And loneliness, A lot like knock people's self-esteem, so that's a big one people want to work on. And loneliness a lot of people feel quite lonely. Yeah, I think that's definitely like loneliness and self-confidence are the biggest challenges. Alongside how do I? Sometimes people come to me when they found out that their ex has moved on because that will kind of knock them quite a bit and be like right, I really I'm gonna choose me now. I'm gonna try and get help and try and work through this and in the healthiest way possible.

Ilmz:

I do want to end the episode in a positive note, of course.

Yaz:

What's been?

Ilmz:

like the best success story you've had with your clients.

Lydia:

So this might sound really cliche, but genuinely every single client to me like they are a success story in their own right to themselves, right, it's their success, like they have done all the work. So for me, I would say and this again makes me emotional when I think about some of my clients that have come to me and filled out their forms of like, their consultations, and the way that they've spoken about themselves in the first few, first few calls that we've had has been like obviously like lots of self-deprecation and negative talk. And then to hear them a couple of sessions on, having really moved the healing and needle in their healing journey and being like speaking like I am worthy, I do deserve more and I am, I am good enough, and like hearing people say that when they were once saying the complete opposite, genuinely gives me chills. And that's what.

Lydia:

That's why I do what I do, because it lights me up so much to see people go from a place where they really are talking to themselves so badly to like having the most beautiful narrative in their head about themselves. And also they have their goals in the consultation form they fill out when they're, when they're when they're like getting a discovery call with me and they'll be like my goal is to be hopeful about the future, let's say, and then to see them actually be that and be like look, this is what you put, you know, although, like maybe a couple of months ago, like now, you're like look, oh, look, what you're saying today about how excited you are to move here or do this, and it's like the most beautiful thing to witness someone go through that and be like breakups are really not the end. They are a new beginning in their own right. So, yeah, I think it can be a really beautiful journey.

Ilmz:

That was so beautifully said and I feel like, okay, my life's not over, because I'm like this divorced old hag. You're not old and you're not a hag. And I say the hardest chapters, like a breakup, can often be followed by the most beautiful chapters. Thank you so much, lydia this has been amazing, yeah like so insightful. Thank you guys.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Ilma Shahrene

Co-host
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Yasmin Misner

Co-host
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Lydia Mae

Guest